WARNING: This post is surprisingly NSFW. Unless you work at a gym.
Other women’s bums are putting me off the gym at the moment.
Not those belonging to other women working out. They are fine, unthreatening bums of varying shapes and sizes, all wrapped up in workout-appropriate lycra, going about their business on the treadmills.
It’s the bums on the giant TV screens positioned around the gyms that I’m talking about. There are eight of these screens facing the cardio machines where I work out, and what they show is video after video of this:
1. Women’s bums.
2. Women’s bums in little black bikinis.
3. Women’s bum’s in little black bikinis, jiggling around in jungles and on yachts in time to lyrics like this: “BIG, BIG BOOTY. WHAT? YOU GOT A BIG BOOTY.”
Two of the many screens in my gym.
There I am on a Tuesday afternoon, plodding along red-faced on my cross-trainer, gingerly trying to improve my cardio fitness. Sometimes I’m in my oversized t-shirt. Perhaps I’ve forgotten my socks and am hoping my personal trainer won’t wander by and outfit-shame me. I’m almost certainly wearing my $23 Target sneakers and I’m certainly about as far from sexy as I’ve ever been.
My bum is present during this workout, but it’s present in the the same kind of totally unerotic, just-getting-some-exercise way that say, my calves or biceps are.
Grace, ready for the gym.
But then I accidentally find myself running on the treadmill to lyrics that go like this: “BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY! BOOTY EVERYWHERE!”
And then I realise with a start that at least four giant screens directly facing me are projecting videos that look like this:
All of a sudden my workout has gone from a casual, calorie-burning exercise to a four-minute bottom-appreciation party, loudly narrated by lyrical artists intent on inviting viewers to examine women’s bums. Like this:
“LOOK AT HER BOOTY! STOP! STARE!”
Then, once that photo video is over, it’ll be replaced by another bum-song like this:
“MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HUN!”
“OH MY GOSH, LOOK AT HER BUTT. OH MY GOSH, LOOK AT HER BUTT.”
Then, when that finishes (exhausted yet?) they usually play this one.