Sitting around my best friend’s kitchen table, eating the spaghetti bolognese his mum had lovingly made us for dinner, we developed a game plan.
If they’re not on the list, they’re not coming in.
In hindsight, we probably should’ve had an ‘alcohol’ game plan as well as a ‘gatecrasher’ one. But more on that soon.
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It was 6pm on a Saturday night. And, spurred by a combination of the goodness in our hearts and the promise of free beer (as payment), my best friend Hugh and I had agreed to do ‘security’ for his little brother’s 16th birthday party.
I use the term ‘security’ loosely because we’re both small, possess no formal qualification, and struggle noticeably when it comes to confrontation.
In terms of dealing with gatecrashers and drunk teenagers, we’re not exactly the dream team. Especially when you consider we’re only 19 ourselves. But the stakes were fairly high.
Hugh’s little brother had managed to convince his parents to have the party at their house.
Because the only thing more stressful than being responsible for a consortium of drunken adolescents, is if that same consortium are smashing your glassware. And spewing up Vodka cruiser on your couch.
My face when Hugh’s Mum asked if it was a good idea having the party at their house. via GIPHY.
With that in mind, Hugh and I roped in two more friends – Zak (the-easy-going-surfer) and Anna (the-no-bullsh*t-cynic) – to help keep things under control.
If only we’d done more.
18:30 – One hour ’til party. Empty ice into tubs. Also non-alcoholic drinks. Pasito and Coca-Cola. Spread tubs ’round living room and outdoor courtyard, along with plastic bottles of water.
18:50 – Inspect guest list. 78 names. Strike line through birthday boy and three mates, already inside. Upstairs. Probably drinking. Team Security (us) presented with case of beer as forward payment from Hugh’s Mum. Find Sharpie. Scrawl ‘PROPERTY OF TEAM SECURITY’. Refrigerate.
19:12 – DJ arrives. Drives suspiciously nice car, despite being on his Ps, and also DJ. Deliberate kind of money DJ earns. Conclude ‘probably more than a case of beer split four ways’.
19:21 – Sip consolation beers.