Last week on my Facebook feed I saw a photo of a heavily pregnant mum hugging her toddler in an emotional embrace just before baby number two arrived.
It had gone viral, not only because it was a gorgeous image, but also because I imagine so many women could relate to that poignant last hug. A moment shared with your precious first born who will soon have to share your love and attention with someone new.
I pictured myself in a few weeks time hugging my first baby goodbye as I head to the hospital.
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Thanks so much for sharing your story, it's just what I needed to read right now. My daughter has just turned six, and there is no sibling on the way, even though I have desperately wanted one. (Beyoncé's pregnancy announcement made me feel quite sad.)
In our case, there are no health issues, no miscarriages, no trouble conceiving. It's purely financial. And that really hurts.
My husband and I were in debt when I accidentally fell pregnant with my daughter - debts due to a previous divorce and a job loss in the middle of the GFC. At the time we thought - we'll be okay, we'll make it work. We felt so blessed to have her.
But ... we couldn't make it work, at least financially. We couldn't make ends meet with me out of work on maternity leave, and then with full-time childcare fees. We sunk further into debt. Eventually moved in with my mum. So until we could pay off our debts and move out, we couldn't try for another child. We've worked bloody hard, sacrificed holidays and new clothes and Christmas presents and hair cuts, chased after promotions and changed jobs, talked to a financial adviser, sorted out budgets and bank accounts - we've done all that we can.
It's taken all this time to finally get into the black and move into our own rental place again, but until we have a small buffer of savings, I wouldn't dare try for another child and risk ending up in the same situation all over again.
I've really struggled with feelings of guilt and failure. How could I ever contemplate having another child when I can't keep a roof over my family's head? How come everyone else can manage it and we couldn't? I've scrutinised every financial decision I've ever made and stressed myself to tears over buying lunch at work when I've forgotten to bring it with me - that pasta is reducing the chance for my daughter to have a sibling.
At the same time, I've had that same mind game of wondering whether one child is fine after all - we certainly have a wonderful family dynamic. And I try to count my blessings, given how many people desperately wish they could have any child at all.
Meanwhile, I don't know any other families with only one child by the age of six.
All I can say is that whatever you decide to do, it will work out for the best. Having a baby is rarely a financial no-brainer, it will never make financial sense, there will always be other expenses. Saying that, there is a boundary between ''we will have sacrifices'' and ''we cannot eat'', so I'd urge you - if you both genuinely want another baby, to decide a time, maybe in 6 months or so, to sit down and coldly decide if it's feasible in your circumstances. It's not possible to predict future financial problems, so try not to let simple fear stop you. Likewise, being sensible and thinking about realistic costs and expenses is a good thing too.
Other people aren't as responsible as you, they haven't had the set backs you have had... yet... ditch the guilt. You're doing well and have a responsible attitude... which will serve you very well as a grounded parent!
Thanks for sharing your story. While I'm yet to have kids, that's also my biggest fear. I dont understand how parents afford to have one kid let alone more!
Be proud of yourself for all your hard work to get yourself out of debt. That's a huge accomplishment. And if you do get to have another kid, it will all be worth it! :)
You should be so proud of all your hard work and getting yourself out of debt, that is amazing! I have a gap of 7 years between my brother and I and I think the gap has worked out really well and made us closer. We have never been competitive. If you do have a second child one day - don't stress about the gap - there are definitely positives to it!
I too have a gap of six (almost seven) years betweenness my kids, and although it was not what we wanted or planned, it has worked out well for us. Our 6 year old said it was the happiest day of her life when we told her I was pregnant. I hope it goes as well for you!