Royal Baby Watch: We bring you proof that the world has officially lost its sh*t.






So, um, not sure if you’ve heard but the royal baby is officially about to exit Kate Middleton’s body.


We’ll just give you a moment to clean up the chunks of hair you have no doubt just ripped out of your head in a royal birthing frenzy. Calmed down?

Good. Now. We’re assuming you’ve organised to take leave from work until this whole thing is over. You’ll definitely need uninterrupted access to 11 different news channels – each with an expert panel of royal experts who have the ability to expertly talk for hours about the same footage of a hospital gate.

This weekend is the expected due date by most media outlets, all of which obviously have intimate knowledge of Kate’s womb activity. But maybe take Monday off just to be safe.

Not feeling it? Couldn’t care less? Think the world has gone a bit bat-sh*t cray? Well, allow us to change your mind with these completely sensible examples of people not doing anything remotely crazy in preparation for the royal bub.

1. The Royal Baby Blog:

Need solid information on what the royal baby will look like as a teenager? Desperate to know what the royal baby’s schedule is for 2014? Um, who isn’t? This is the blog for you.


It’s pretty much been live since the exact moment of royal conception. There’s even a tab that says Royal Baby #2 so… look forward to many years of exclusive, absolutely YOUR RIGHT TO KNOW private royal information.

2. The ‘Merchandise’

All. The. Merchandise.

3. Completely sensible gifts that the Royal couple will almost definitely use:

For example, the company that makes this product.

Had jeweller Theo Fennell make the Duchess this:

Yeah, that’s a $15 000 18ct white gold jewel-encrusted charm bracelet with a secret compartment for nappy cream. OBVIOUSLY. (Jam think this just might be the greatest thing she’s ever seen in her life).

4. Social Media sites are SELLING early access to trend information.

Okay – this one is a little complex (and bizarre), so bear with us: Social media companies (Facebook etc) have been calling media outlets and offering up the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to find out what hashtags are trending when the royal baby is born. (We knows its true because they CALLED THE MAMAMIA OFFICES and offered us an early opportunity to get our paws on the good stuff…).


Because, you know, it’s a great mystery and definitely won’t be the obvious #ROYALBABY or anything.

Nice try, Zuckerberg.

5. Somebody has taken the time to link the Royal Baby to Beyonce:

Little Blue Ivy will soon have a 23rd cousin (twice removed, obvs), because THE ROYAL BABY IS RELATED TO BEYONCE. Repeat:

THE ROYAL BABY IS RELATED TO BEYONCE. Maybe that’s why she posted this pic of baby Blue last week?

Blue Ivy – ready to meet her new cuz.

We read it on the internet so it must be true. Also, a geneology website who definitely don’t want to cash in on anything and really just wanted to do the royal bub favour were the ones who did the study.

6. Royal Feotus Cookies are a thing:


7. This happened:

This. Actually. Happened:


Fever pitch has officially been reached.