Looking for a career change? Love sort-of helping people AND making shitloads money? Become a health guru! Just follow my 20 easy steps:
1. Have some kind of minor health problem, like feeling a bit tired sometimes.
2. Go to doctor for advice. Decide doctor is idiot. Ignore advice.
3. Google your symptoms and find a blog post on Page 7 of search results, written by someone who is an expert in ‘health’.
4. Start living the ‘lifestyle’ the blog post suggested. Feel slightly better. Decide that all conventional medicine is clearly a misguided and dangerous conspiracy.
5. Start posting photos on your Instagram of you living your new lifestyle. Change your Instagram name to something with the word ‘FRESH’ in it.
6. Begin collecting followers because of all the affirmation memes/food porn photos you’re posting.
7. Be sad for everyone around you who doesn’t know your secret. Decide it’s your moral obligation to do something about the health of the nation, possibly the world.
8. Pay $179 to an online college called ‘Green Living’ or ‘Holistic Industries’ and get certified in ‘health’ by answering some online questions.
9. Insist that your ‘first hand experience’ makes you just as qualified as a medical doctor. Probably more qualified, because you’ve LIVED it.
10. Start a blog. Describe it as a destination for people who want advice from an expert on how to live their healthiest, poison-free life.
11. Google ‘healthy recipes’ and post the most photogenic ones you find to your blog.
12. Realise that the great meal ideas you find on the internet mean you are not only a certified health expert, but also a food and nutrition expert.