fitness

Rosie's Top 20... Ways to become a health guru.

Looking for a career change? Love sort-of helping people AND making shitloads money? Become a health guru! Just follow my 20 easy steps:

1. Have some kind of minor health problem, like feeling a bit tired sometimes.

2. Go to doctor for advice. Decide doctor is idiot. Ignore advice.

3. Google your symptoms and find a blog post on Page 7 of search results, written by someone who is an expert in ‘health’.

4. Start living the ‘lifestyle’ the blog post suggested. Feel slightly better. Decide that all conventional medicine is clearly a misguided and dangerous conspiracy.

5. Start posting photos on your Instagram of you living your new lifestyle. Change your Instagram name to something with the word ‘FRESH’ in it.

6. Begin collecting followers because of all the affirmation memes/food porn photos you’re posting.

7. Be sad for everyone around you who doesn’t know your secret. Decide it’s your moral obligation to do something about the health of the nation, possibly the world.

8. Pay $179 to an online college called ‘Green Living’ or ‘Holistic Industries’ and get certified in ‘health’ by answering some online questions.

9. Insist that your ‘first hand experience’ makes you just as qualified as a medical doctor. Probably more qualified, because you’ve LIVED it.

10. Start a blog. Describe it as a destination for people who want advice from an expert on how to live their healthiest, poison-free life.

11. Google ‘healthy recipes’ and post the most photogenic ones you find to your blog.

12. Realise that the great meal ideas you find on the internet mean you are not only a certified health expert, but also a food and nutrition expert.

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13. Design a 6 week program in which people eat the exact foods you tell them to, while you email them a motivational meme every day. Charge hundreds of dollars for that program.

14. When scientists gets wind of your program and begin to publicly question its efficacy, declare war on science. Talk about the doctors who could never help you. Also, decide that vaccinations are an evil conspiracy.

15. Find a wikipedia page about a tribe of people that lived healthy, holistic lives before the invention of modern, ‘commercial’ science. Ignore the fact the life expectancy of those people was 27. Link your program to that time and use it as evidence in all scientific debate.

16. Insist that people who aren’t seeing results from your program are simply failing at the program. Charge those people extra for your ‘Program EXTRA’. Send those people two memes a day instead of one.

17. Publish a book that tells your heroic story, all the way from feeling tired sometimes to being a selfless wellness warrior. Fill the book with lots of photos of you standing in gardens and on beaches.

18. Publish an accompanying book ‘supplement’ for an extra cost, which details the exact diet one needs to follow in order to adhere to your lifestyle. Make the diet impossible to stick to, so you can always sell extra products to help people succeed.

19. Do a TED talk about living a poison-free life. Shock people with statistics you found on reddit. Sell more books and program subscriptions.

20. You’ve made it. Kick back, relax, and spend the rest of your life living off the money of people who think if they “just do the program one more time…”

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s coming out soon. Pre-order it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

 

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