Please know that this post is most definitely Not Safe For Work. If we could seal a section of the internet as if it’s a magazine, we’d seal this. We’d seal it good and proper.
If you prefer a romanticised sex-life, or one where you don’t ever say words like ‘sweaty balls’ then best you click away now. You have been warned…
I’m just going to come right out and say it:
Giving head is the worst.
It’s okay – you’re reading this in your mind right now so nobody has to know that you agree.
I understand, as unjust as it is, that most ladies (and I suspect a lot of guys) feel like they can’t admit to having unpleasant feelings about sausage-shaped chunks of rigid flesh being shoved repeatedly into their mouths.
There seems to be a general feeling that one must pretend to enjoy performing oral sex or risk a life of loneliness, listening to Taylor Swift while getting into twitter fights with people about Jennifer Aniston’s love-life.
I get it. There’s pressure to conform. But this is a safe place, and I think we all just need to admit that eating penis isn’t enjoyable.
Don’t get me wrong – I totally accept that giving lady-head would be just as unpleasant an experience. I can’t imagine having to swim through my pube garden would be easy by any means. But it’s all about doing something nice for someone else and taking one for the team. So while I understand that enjoyment can come from doing something that your partner enjoys, that doesn’t mean you have to enjoy the sweaty balled, sperm-inducing act itself.
I mean, let’s break it down, shall we?
It usually begins with a make-out session that is rudely interrupted by the not-so-subtle pushing down of the head. That is the penis-owner’s code for: “I would like an orgasm that requires no physical exertion on my part. Thanks in advance.”