Please know that this post is most definitely Not Safe For Work. If we could seal a section of the internet as if it’s a magazine, we’d seal this. We’d seal it good and proper.
If you prefer a romanticised sex-life, or one where you don’t ever say words like ‘sweaty balls’ then best you click away now. You have been warned…
I’m just going to come right out and say it:
Giving head is the worst.
It’s okay – you’re reading this in your mind right now so nobody has to know that you agree.
I understand, as unjust as it is, that most ladies (and I suspect a lot of guys) feel like they can’t admit to having unpleasant feelings about sausage-shaped chunks of rigid flesh being shoved repeatedly into their mouths.
There seems to be a general feeling that one must pretend to enjoy performing oral sex or risk a life of loneliness, listening to Taylor Swift while getting into twitter fights with people about Jennifer Aniston’s love-life.
I get it. There’s pressure to conform. But this is a safe place, and I think we all just need to admit that eating penis isn’t enjoyable.
Don’t get me wrong – I totally accept that giving lady-head would be just as unpleasant an experience. I can’t imagine having to swim through my pube garden would be easy by any means. But it’s all about doing something nice for someone else and taking one for the team. So while I understand that enjoyment can come from doing something that your partner enjoys, that doesn’t mean you have to enjoy the sweaty balled, sperm-inducing act itself.
I mean, let’s break it down, shall we?
It usually begins with a make-out session that is rudely interrupted by the not-so-subtle pushing down of the head. That is the penis-owner’s code for: “I would like an orgasm that requires no physical exertion on my part. Thanks in advance.”
If you accept your fate and agree to be a selfless blow-job hero, you then have to pull off the dude’s undies and untangle his sweaty bulge from his hairy balls (one of which always needs to be peeled off the inside of his leg) and unfurl them like one of those wrinkly puppies stretching out in the sun.
All the sweat that has been collecting in between his pubes from hours locked inside his penis-oven now glistens on your hands, which you try to politely wipe on the bed/carpet/your own pants without him seeing. Because romance/magic etc.
After some obligatory kissing of the general area, you eventually realise that you’ve put off the inevitable long enough – you must take the actual penis into your mouth. You can only cup sweaty balls and kiss the safe zone between the belly button and the pubes for so long. You must get down to business.
(Also, let’s take a brief moment here to acknowledge that just the concept of putting something in your mouth that was probably shooting out urine just minutes ago is straight up gross.)
It’s important you try to get comfortable now, as there will be some sustained physical effort on your part. The key word being ‘try’, as comfort for a person giving a head job is generally regarded as an urban myth. You’ll either get a dead leg from being on your knees, or an aching arm from lying on your side and trying to hold up the top half of your body with one elbow.
Highest possible comfort level attained (not very), you must then must ‘ease’ into proceedings, as just shoving the whole thing into your mouth and letting it sit there like a docked boat until it explodes is, unfortunately, considered poor form.
You must try to coat the whole shaft in your (sexy, make sure it’s sexy) saliva to ensure adequate lubrication for your hands (usually still covered in glistening ball sweat), which will shoulder some of the workload while you avoid the inevitable for as long as possible: the attempted deep throat.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a penis must be in want of an individual to deep throat it. And no matter how many times he has tried and failed, he will grab the back of your head mid blow-job and try to push it as far forward as he can.
Men tend to forget the concept of head ownership during sexy-times; they assume that if their penis is currently attached to someone’s head, it indicates ownership of that head. IT DOES NOT INDICATE OWNERSHIP OF THAT HEAD. The person who owns the head knows how far it can go in, okay?
It’s at this point you are usually expected to begin ‘sexy moaning’. This involves ignoring the fact you currently have a penis trying to poke the top of your left lung, so that you may concentrate on making the relevant human sounds that indicate sexual pleasure.
We interrupt this awkwardness to give you an equally awkward video of parents explaining ‘loud sex’ to their children (post continues after video).
It is also, though not always, expected that you make sexy eye contact with very sexual sexy eyes. It should also be noted here that looking sexy with your gaping mouth stretched around a penis is impossible – no amount of sexy eyes is going to fix that.
It’s been said that a very rare and select group of women look attractive while crying – I suspect those are the only women who look attractive with a dick in their mouths. And probably also at the dentist.
Okay. Here’s where things start to speed up. At this point you are basically like one of those perpetual motion chicken toys that drinks the coloured water, except on steroids. All pretence of hand involvement is forgotten. This part is basically about you trying not to gag as your head moves back and forth at an exponential rate. You must resist the urge to switch whatever leg/elbow/hand/toe you are leaning on, or the rhythm will be interrupted and you may end up having to go even longer.
The lips you have wrapped around your teeth to protect his precious manhood are starting to feel the pressure. All you can think about is how much easier this would be if you were fitter. You desperately need a glass of water.
He finishes. (Which is just a nice way of saying that he explodes 1 billion little wriggly sperm into your mouth, which immediately begin gasping for air, racing towards an egg they’ll never find).
Grouped together, they have the consistency of warm snot and the taste of broken dreams. And it doesn’t matter whether you spit or swallow; some of them will definitely end up wedged in sad little sperm graveyards between your teeth.
So, that’s it. Not unbearable, but certainly not pleasant. I’m not saying that I never do it. I’m just saying that I hate it. And I know, I know, I’m not the only one.
Because giving head is the worst.
Now please excuse me while I go and watch any chance I have to find a man slowly fade away.
For more hilarity from Rosie, be sure to check out out Rosie Recaps from this years season of The Bachelor: