THIS IS IT. A LUCKY LADY CALLED SAM FROST FINALLY GETS TO CONTROL THE PEEN.
But first we need to be reminded of a) her recent humiliation and b) that one time Channel Ten had enough money to go to South Africa #NeverForget
Cut to Sam getting dumped and a montage of news headlines about her embarrassment with the words MEDIA SCRUTINY and LOVE RAT said multiple times. Although, all they really have to do is show those lame ads that Bachie Blake went on to film and highlight the fact he’s currently on that sad Celeb Apprentice show with that scary old dude who collects young American girls. BULLET DODGED, FROSTY.
We get lots of heartbroken beach thinking. Heartbroken horizon-looking thinking. Heartbroken turtleneck thinking. This girl was screwed over, and is clearly sad and embarrassed that her time on a reality dating show shockingly didn’t work out.
Then she basically sums up what every person feels when they put their heart on the line and she cries and it’s just so sweet and she is officially the most loveable woman in the country: “When you show someone who you are and they don’t want you… You don’t feel good enough.”
ARRGGHH GIRL I’VE BEEN THERE AND IT’S THE FUCKING WORST AND NOW I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME AND YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I JUST WANT YOU TO GET ALL THE PEEN AND WOW DID CHANNEL TEN ACE THE CASTING BY PUTTING YOU ON THIS SHOW. #perfection
Okay. We get it. Heartbreak etc. Hangs out with her family blah blah blah. Talks about being sad etc.
But now…. The music changes! Hope! Love! She’s over Blake! Girl is moving on! She puts on some make-up, does her hair, chucks on a red dress and emerges as…
NOW LET’S MEET SOME BOYS!
Bachie Queen gets some very important words of advice from Oshie’s Glorious Hair, then it’s time to greet all the dudes before sending them to be locked in her Peen Palace.
Serious contenders (the ones who get the romantic music):
Dave the plumber. He is a plumber called Dave.
Richie. Can do more than one chin-up in a row at the beach:
The charming English guy and OMG HE BRINGS HER SECRET FLATS SO SHE CAN TAKE HER HEELS OFF HE IS A DREAM MAN.
The Professional Football Player whose name I don’t remember because I got distracted by his mildly erotic shower scene:
Sasha. Okay Sasha will probably win this whole damn thing. Bachie Queen loses her shit around him. She is definitely having tingly feelings in her special button. She wants to keep talking to him and he makes her laugh and OMG HER CLIT JUST EXPLODED AND HE HAS CLEARLY WON. HE IS THE WINNER:
Obvious stunt casting (the ones who get the goofy music):
Davey. Not sure why he’s on the ‘Lol No’ pile just yet, but he’s the first one to get the music that sounds like Homer Simpson blowing into a bottle, so… One episode. Two, tops.
DAVID THE INTERNATIONAL MODEL. Oh my glob I hate him so much that I love him. He says he’s not ‘conflicutous’ and they immediately start playing the goofy music and I actually cannot believe they found this gem. He clearly has no IDEA that he’s been put in the ‘Lol No’ pile.