So we open on the Girl Prisoners and not our Muscles With A Head, obviously because we need to debrief on what will forever be known as the EPIC PEASANT COCKTAIL PARTY BREAKDOWN.
It’s the morning after, and The Originals are talking to The Intruders and everyone is smiling and pretending to be lovely when really they are wishing nothing on the other side but crusty, oozing bumhole herpes.
Oshie’s Hair drops off the single date card, which goes to Olena (refresher: Ukranian make-up artist who has literally only said three sentences the entire show. Dickie Bach always looks at her body while saying how much he likes her ‘Quiet Confidence’.)
Noni The Bacon Girl and Super Villain Keira de Vil are devo because they’ve never been picked for a single date, and now they’re being lapped by someone who’s already been on one. They’re being Single Date Lapped. If that’s not a sign you’re getting booted soon, I don’t know what is.
Single Date Time!
OH HOLY OPRAH FINALLY WE HAVE A PRIVATE JET! REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE. A PRIVATE JET HAS ARRIVED.
Has Queen Sandra Sully answered my prayers and stepped in to fix the budget problems?!? Did someone get busted for spending all the initial money on that stupid crane date and some magic beans?!?
I don’t know how this came about; all I can say is the money better damn well last, and the trip at the end of the season had better be overseas and not just to a national park 20 minutes out of Sydney.
And the fancy private jet flies them to… um, Mudgee.
Well, we’ll always have the private jet.
Dickie Bach is getting confused because Olena isn’t talking a lot. Dickie Bach does not compute. Normally he just tells the Girl Prisoners they look amazing and they say thanks and and then he gives them a rose and he doesn’t have to do much work because they just pash. Conversations be hard, you know?
Although, just when I think she’s making him talk because she’s taking control of the game, he finally asks her a question about herself and she giggles and says she doesn’t know how to answer that very simple question about herself. Ah. So she’s either a confident queen who is playing the game she wants, or she’s just not very good at conversations either. Either way, Dickie Bach really, really likes her ‘quiet confidence’.
Wow. Dickie Bach trying to ‘solve the mystery’ that is Olena is kind of painful to watch. He just keeps telling her how pretty she is. Then he asks her a regular human question and she can’t figure out an answer, so he just tells her how pretty she is again. We’ve really hit rock bottom when he tells her she’s ‘the prettiest flower in this garden’ and then they both kind of just stand there for a while. “Are you ready to answer that question from before?” he asks. “Um….”
MAKE IT STOP.
Despite the fact they’ve barely spoken full sentences to each other the whole day, Dickie Bach just can’t get enough of Olena’s quiet confidence. He says he’s really connected with her quiet confidence, and would like to uncover the mystery that is Olena by spending more time with her quiet confidence.
They kiss. She gets a rose. End date.
Group Date Time!
Oh YAY. It’s a cooking challenge designed to measure the wifey skills of each Girl Prisoner! This, along with the Robot Baby Challenge designed to measure maternal skills, really will reveal to us the Ultimate Woman. Whoever scores highest gets gold-plated overies!
It’s basically just all the Girl Prisoners cooking seafood while Dickie Bach observes:
I would only ever cook while a man stands by and watches if… Actually you know, I don’t even have a punchline here, because I would never cook while a man stands by and watches. I wouldn’t even know how tbh. I don’t deserve my own vagina.
Dickie Bach then tastes all the dishes to check who the Ultimate Wifey Women are. Rachel and Bacon Girl Noni win, and their prize is some alone time with Dickie’s Peen. The only thing exciting to happen is Bacon Girl Noni tries an oyster, spits it out (obviously because oysters taste like a dirty tampon has liquified into a golly in your mouth), and Dickie Bach cannot handle a lady spitting food out into her napkin:
I would have, and have, reacted like that when trying an oyster, so I feel you Bacon Girl. I feel you, but you have failed the ‘Ladylike’ test, and if you fail that one, not even Mother and Wifey skills can save you.
KEIRA’S SINGLE DATE TIME YAAAAASSSSSS.
So, a second Single Date Card arrived, and it went to Super Villain Keira de Vil, and it feels obvious to everyone from the second she gets it, that it’s some kind of Sudden Death Single Date Card. I just have a feeling that she will not survive this date. Dickie Bach keeps saying shit about wanting to see ‘the real Keira’ and I DO NOT LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING MAYBE IF WE ALL PRAY TO OPRAH TOGETHER SHE’LL MAKE IT.
They drive to some retreat to do Yoga. Okaaaaay. Everything seems fine. But… Uh oh.
Now she’s taking over the yoga lesson and not letting the instructor talk, which is hilarious, but Dickie Bach is bothered by how ‘bossy’ she is. And then she commits the ultimate sin: SHE TELLS HIM HE SUCKS AT YOGA.
You never, ever tell the Bachie he’s bad at something. Doesn’t she know that’s just like, the basic rules of getting a guy to think you’re a lady worth dating? A DOY!
Dickie Bach starts to visibly get the shits. Oh holy Oprah. Keira is about to get bounced. Annnnnd it’s made practically official when eerie, suspenseful music is played on their date, and not romantic orchestra music. Nooooooo! They’re setting up her loser’s soundtrack! Then they play lots of footage of her saying how her and Dickie Bach are clearly attracted to each other and she’s definitely getting a rose, which means he's definitely not attracted to her and she’s definitely not getting a rose. In fact, based on the ‘Keira’s Ultimate Downfall’ soundtrack they’re playing right now, I don’t think she’s going to survive the next ten minutes.
She doesn’t.
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY UNIVERSE WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY? I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS.
Dickie Bach can’t wait to boot her, although he looks terrified:
He says some crap about her being too blunt, and that she should have pretended to have fun when he forced her to wrestle with another woman while wearing an inflatable kangaroo suit.
She actually seems a little thrown at first, because I doubt someone with her crazy levels of self-confidence is used to accepting rejection:
But, of course, she bounces back within about three seconds with the greatest quality a confident person can have: a Trump-level capability to be in denial about any kind of defeat.
She immediately says that they’re on the same page, and that she wasn’t really feeling it either anyway. Then Dickie Bach plonks her into the back of a car to be taken away, and she spends the whole time saying she’s glad to be leaving because she was too good for this shit anyway. And then she chucks in a "I do not give a fuck about those bitches," comment, just as a hilarious, final, entertaining gift for us all.
What an epic fucking post-dumping bounce-back. Like I’ve been saying this whole time, what I wouldn’t give for that level of self-confidence, combined with that complete lack of self-awareness. I want to travel the world with her and push in line at theme parks.
Ugh. This show is nothing now. I’m depressed. Oh wait, we have a whole cocktail party/rose ceremony to get through, but seriously - as if anything exciting is going to happen now.
Cocktail Party Time *sobs uncontrollably*
Oshie’s Hair tells everyone that my heart is broken and Super Villain Keira de Vil did not survive her Date of Sudden Death. I won’t show you the Girl Prisoners’ reactions, but let’s just say the looks of satisfaction on their faces are the same as mine when I receive an orgasm and I don’t have to give one back in return. They are thrilled.
There’s also some of the usual DRAMAAAH with Single Mum Alex losing her mind when anybody else getting within walking distance of Dickie Bach. Same old shit.
Rose Ceremony Time *still sobbing*
Oh. Dickie Bach has decided that sacrificing Keira was enough, so there won't be a Rose Ceremony tonight. Which is lucky for Bacon Girl Noni, because she defs would have been booted for spitting out that oyster and proving she isn't a proper lady. Who cares. I miss Keira.
I wish you well, Super Villain Keira de Vil, and here’s what I have to say about your elimination:
I don't like it.
Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.
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