So we open on the Girl Prisoners and not our Muscles With A Head, obviously because we need to debrief on what will forever be known as the EPIC PEASANT COCKTAIL PARTY BREAKDOWN.
It’s the morning after, and The Originals are talking to The Intruders and everyone is smiling and pretending to be lovely when really they are wishing nothing on the other side but crusty, oozing bumhole herpes.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I HATE YOU."
"Oh my gosh you’re so sweet! I curse the day you were conceived!"
"LOL isn't it great how I definitely don't want to hurt you?!?"
"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL."
Oshie’s Hair drops off the single date card, which goes to Olena (refresher: Ukranian make-up artist who has literally only said three sentences the entire show. Dickie Bach always looks at her body while saying how much he likes her ‘Quiet Confidence’.)
Noni The Bacon Girl and Super Villain Keira de Vil are devo because they’ve never been picked for a single date, and now they’re being lapped by someone who’s already been on one. They’re being Single Date Lapped. If that’s not a sign you’re getting booted soon, I don’t know what is.
Single Date Time!
OH HOLY OPRAH FINALLY WE HAVE A PRIVATE JET! REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE. A PRIVATE JET HAS ARRIVED.
Has Queen Sandra Sully answered my prayers and stepped in to fix the budget problems?!? Did someone get busted for spending all the initial money on that stupid crane date and some magic beans?!?
I don’t know how this came about; all I can say is the money better damn well last, and the trip at the end of the season had better be overseas and not just to a national park 20 minutes out of Sydney.
And the fancy private jet flies them to… um, Mudgee.
Well, we’ll always have the private jet.
Dickie Bach is getting confused because Olena isn’t talking a lot. Dickie Bach does not compute. Normally he just tells the Girl Prisoners they look amazing and they say thanks and and then he gives them a rose and he doesn’t have to do much work because they just pash. Conversations be hard, you know?
Although, just when I think she’s making him talk because she’s taking control of the game, he finally asks her a question about herself and she giggles and says she doesn’t know how to answer that very simple question about herself. Ah. So she’s either a confident queen who is playing the game she wants, or she’s just not very good at conversations either. Either way, Dickie Bach really, really likes her ‘quiet confidence’.
Olena: "I am not going to say words at this time." Dickie Bach: "I REALLY LIKE YOUR QUIET CONFIDENCE."
Wow. Dickie Bach trying to ‘solve the mystery’ that is Olena is kind of painful to watch. He just keeps telling her how pretty she is. Then he asks her a regular human question and she can’t figure out an answer, so he just tells her how pretty she is again. We’ve really hit rock bottom when he tells her she’s ‘the prettiest flower in this garden’ and then they both kind of just stand there for a while. “Are you ready to answer that question from before?” he asks. “Um….”
MAKE IT STOP.
Despite the fact they’ve barely spoken full sentences to each other the whole day, Dickie Bach just can’t get enough of Olena’s quiet confidence. He says he’s really connected with her quiet confidence, and would like to uncover the mystery that is Olena by spending more time with her quiet confidence.