We open on the Girl Prisoners just casually hanging out in the kitchen being totally casual, like they absolutely didn’t shoot this scene eleven times. Oshie arrives and informs the ladies that Dickie Bach wants them all to know that he “is really enjoying getting to know them so far.”
And I have to say that at this point, I’m not surprised that Oshie is now just outright speaking for our Muscles With A Head. I feel like the only talking Dickie Bach has done so far is to compliment his dates on looking stunning and inform us that “girls like shopping.” If he doesn’t start saying complete sentences soon, Oshie is gonna have to start actually going on these dates to fill in the blanks. And then I would obviously die a thousand deaths of television viewing pleasure.
Oshie’s Hair leaves two Date Cards on the table (GASP! OMG! TWO?!? THERE’S TWO! LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS FOR AS LONG AS WE CAN SO THE EDITORS CAN FILL TIME!), and as usual, nobody has anything interesting to say except Super Villain Keira de Vil, and she drops this glorious, humble grenade almost immediately:
"I just think if I was Richie I would be taking me on a date right now because if doesn’t he’s gonna miss the boat so… He better hurry up.”
I would buy that girl’s confidence in a bottle. Then I’d drink it and hope that it stopped me from caring that one of my boobs hangs way lower than the other, and ends up wedged under my arm while I sleep. I feel like Keira would just be like, “Other girls WISH they had my uneven boobs. Now are you going to tell me that I’m beautiful or do I need to find someone more interesting to talk to?”
Yes. That is how I need to live my life.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Huzzah. It’s yet another Humiliating Physical Challenge, in which the Girl Prisoners must bring pride on their families by bashing each other in various costumes, with the winner getting access to Dickie Bach's Peen. Last night it was maternal skills, tonight it’s hot pants in giant inflatable balls! Yay women!
Apparently the whole thing is ‘Olympic’ themed, but it's obvious they couldn't afford to buy the rights to use the word 'Olympics', so it's called the 'Bachelor Games'. #BudgetBachie
Ugh, boring. There’s some archery boards plonked in the middle of some field, and we are subjected to about 75 ‘Cupid’s Arrow’ gags. The entertaining part of this is apparently that some of the Girl Prisoners are good at shooting arrows and some are bad. So, you know, gripping television.
They have races inside the giant inflatable balls, then we listen to them talk about how they had races in giant inflatable balls. Every explanation is basically this: “And then she was running in the ball, and she was running and running and then it looked like she was running too fast and she almost fell and we thought maybe she wouldn’t fall but then she didn’t fall!”
Dickie Bach, who has given up on trying to form sentences entirely, gives his version of events as follows:
Ladies and Gentlemen; the most eligible Bachelor in Australia.
Oshie then informs the ladies that for their
Olympic Games Bachelor Games final, they’ll be doing wrestling. He then adds, “But because this is The Bachelor, there’s a TWIST!” Which is code for: “But because this is The Bachelor, we are going to pour one final dose of indignity onto this shitheap of a contest for a man’s attention (ps I hate myself #saveosher).”
Kangaroo Suits!!! Because HAHAHAHAHAHA YOUSE GUYZ ARE GONNA LOOK SO STOOPID!
While everyone else squeals and acts excited to be wrestling in a Kangaroo Suit in order to win a man’s love, Super Villain Keira de Vil’s face is the human equivalent of a tumbleweed:
SHE DOESN’T LIKE IT.
And fair fucking enough, imo. I’d wrestle in a kangaroo suit, but never for a man. Unless it was a man holding vodka and Lindt Balls, obviously. She tells Dickie Bach that this whole thing is shit and she doesn’t want to do it. And not surprisingly, the other Girl Prisoners struggle to comprehend how Keira could have the audacity to complain, which she does to Dickie Bach’s ACTUAL FACE. Tell the man she isn’t happy?!? ONE MUST NEVER DO THAT.
Then, and I'm being serious, someone actually says, “At least pretend to like it! The guy you like is right there!” and I think my vagina just started crying ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS.
You know how I would respond to someone who tells me to pretend to like something that I don't like in order to impress a guy?
AND LIKE THIS:
AND LIKE THIS:
And if someone asked me to wrestle with another woman in a Kangaroo Suit to win half an hour of alone time with a man, MY FACE WOULD ALSO LOOK LIKE THIS:
More wrestling. More squealing. More crop tops. The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ girl whose name I can never remember wins. End group date.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯'s alone time is literally just a Magic Sex Couch plonked in the middle of the playing field they were just wrestling on. We can’t watch them for long because, you know, Oshie’s not there to do the talking. They kiss. A rose is bestowed. End of alone time.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
So, this date is with some random called Kiki, who I also don’t think I’ve seen before, but she’s not fully blonde so we already know she has no chance. Dickie Bach doesn’t know her very well either, but tells us the one thing he does remember: She used to be a model and she looked really pretty on the photoshoot date. So he’s sure they have a lot in common.
Okay, so… He’s taking her for a ride in a helicopter, which I totally get is Channel Ten’s desperate attempt to convince their boss Queen Sandra Sully that they haven’t wasted the whole budget yet, BUT.
This isn’t a helicopter ride as a means of transportation. This is just a helicopter ride for the sake of a helicopter ride. And everybody knows that helicopter rides are only awesome if you’re using them instead of a car. This proves nothing about the budget. IF YOUR HELICOPTER LANDS IN THE SAME PLACE IT TOOK OFF FROM THEN IT IS NOT A SWEET-AS SYMBOL OF DOLLA DOLLA BILLS. WE KNOW YOU PROBS TOOK THE BUS HOME.
If it aint just there to fly you to dinner, it aint a money chopper.
They have dinner in what looks like a driveway decorated with fairy lights. Dickie Bach says privately that he thinks random Kiki has some ‘attractive qualities’, which is the subtle way of saying 'NO THANKS'. There isn’t even a Magic Sex Couch on this date, so she’s clearly not a serious contender. End date.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Tonight’s Sparkly Hunger Games of Death is filled with so much manufactured DRAMAAAH it's hard to keep up. It starts off with the Girl Prisoners discussing the immense impact the possible first female US presidency will have on feminism. LOL JKS. They talk about what colour suit they think Dickie Bach will wear to the party tonight.
We then cut to Dickie Bach spending some time chatting to Super Villain Keira de Vil, cut with shots of the other Girl Prisoners watching and saying things like, “How could he end up with THAT?” Lovely.
Juuuust chattin' about the weather.
When it comes time for Dickie Bach and Keira to actually talk, the conversation basically consists of him saying something and her saying "That’s cute." Their inability to have a conversation is fascinating to watch. Then he tells her that he thinks she had “Un-fun” at the Bachie Olympics. Un-fun. I’m dying. I’m dead. She jokes about wanting to kiss him to make the other girls jealous. He awkwardly declines. They dance for a bit on the grass. One of the Girl Prisoners by the pool says watching them together makes her physically sick. Lovely.
Next up, Dickie Bach asks future winner Nikki to have a private chat, which sends Single Mum Alex into a total emotional meltdown, as she’s finally, actually, really understanding that she is not the only girl currently dating Dickie Bach.
She watches them talk, while secretly planning how to get Dickie Bach into the back of her unmarked white van hidden in the bushes out the front:
She just doesn’t get it, you guys. It’s so unfair. How could there be other girls? Why didn’t anybody say that would be a possibility? HOW IS SHE NOT THE ONLY ONE?
And then it sinks in. She is not the only girlfriend.
"I know there's like, wars and stuff, but realising the guy you're dating on a reality dating contest has 11 other girlfriends is totes hard, you guys. I mean, WHY ME?"
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Oshie’s Hair explains that one brunette will be going home. Single Mum Alex is freaking out that it’s her, because she just realised that this is a reality dating competition.
She stays though. So does Super Villain Keira de Vil. PRAISE BE TO OPRAH, because they are the most entertaining women on this show.
The Russian who ate her rose that one time is booted, and when Dickie Bach says goodbye to her, she just says, “Okay, seeya!” Then she chills in the back of the limo like “Whatevs bitchez, I was just here for the free rose meals anyway byeeeee.”
Oh Russian Rose Eater. What an enigma you were. You won’t be missed, because we only saw you twice.
Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.
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* Video via TenPlay