We open on the Girl Prisoners just casually hanging out in the kitchen being totally casual, like they absolutely didn’t shoot this scene eleven times. Oshie arrives and informs the ladies that Dickie Bach wants them all to know that he “is really enjoying getting to know them so far.”
And I have to say that at this point, I’m not surprised that Oshie is now just outright speaking for our Muscles With A Head. I feel like the only talking Dickie Bach has done so far is to compliment his dates on looking stunning and inform us that “girls like shopping.” If he doesn’t start saying complete sentences soon, Oshie is gonna have to start actually going on these dates to fill in the blanks. And then I would obviously die a thousand deaths of television viewing pleasure.
Oshie’s Hair leaves two Date Cards on the table (GASP! OMG! TWO?!? THERE’S TWO! LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS FOR AS LONG AS WE CAN SO THE EDITORS CAN FILL TIME!), and as usual, nobody has anything interesting to say except Super Villain Keira de Vil, and she drops this glorious, humble grenade almost immediately:
"I just think if I was Richie I would be taking me on a date right now because if doesn’t he’s gonna miss the boat so… He better hurry up.”
I would buy that girl’s confidence in a bottle. Then I’d drink it and hope that it stopped me from caring that one of my boobs hangs way lower than the other, and ends up wedged under my arm while I sleep. I feel like Keira would just be like, “Other girls WISH they had my uneven boobs. Now are you going to tell me that I’m beautiful or do I need to find someone more interesting to talk to?”
Yes. That is how I need to live my life.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Huzzah. It’s yet another Humiliating Physical Challenge, in which the Girl Prisoners must bring pride on their families by bashing each other in various costumes, with the winner getting access to Dickie Bach's Peen. Last night it was maternal skills, tonight it’s hot pants in giant inflatable balls! Yay women!
Apparently the whole thing is ‘Olympic’ themed, but it's obvious they couldn't afford to buy the rights to use the word 'Olympics', so it's called the 'Bachelor Games'. #BudgetBachie
Ugh, boring. There’s some archery boards plonked in the middle of some field, and we are subjected to about 75 ‘Cupid’s Arrow’ gags. The entertaining part of this is apparently that some of the Girl Prisoners are good at shooting arrows and some are bad. So, you know, gripping television.
They have races inside the giant inflatable balls, then we listen to them talk about how they had races in giant inflatable balls. Every explanation is basically this: “And then she was running in the ball, and she was running and running and then it looked like she was running too fast and she almost fell and we thought maybe she wouldn’t fall but then she didn’t fall!”
Dickie Bach, who has given up on trying to form sentences entirely, gives his version of events as follows:
Ladies and Gentlemen; the most eligible Bachelor in Australia.
Oshie then informs the ladies that for their
Olympic Games Bachelor Games final, they’ll be doing wrestling. He then adds, “But because this is The Bachelor, there’s a TWIST!” Which is code for: “But because this is The Bachelor, we are going to pour one final dose of indignity onto this shitheap of a contest for a man’s attention (ps I hate myself #saveosher).”