So we open on some very grand, sweeping aerial shots of the
‘Spectacular Tuscan Villa’ Girl Prison, which I guess is Channel Ten’s way of trying to convince us that they definitely didn’t spend all their money on that stupid helicopter/crane date. It feels like Oshie is going to walk out at any moment, nervously look into the camera and tell us that they definitely haven’t resorted to recycling dresses and there’s DEFINITELY MONEY LEFT YOU GUYS. DEFINITELY. (*cue producer in his earpiece threatening to cut off his food and/or hairspray supply*)
MONEY. SEE. WE DEFINITELY STILL HAVE MONEY.
Oshie arrives and Alex gets the single date, but we quickly cut away from her squealing and to another WE HAVE MONEY shot of the Girl Prison, followed by a completely random and unnecessary shot of that new Dyson hairdryer that was invented for rich ladies and looks like a doughnut-shaped sex toy.
Yup, look: NOBODY PANIC THERE IS MONEY.
LOOK. THIS THING COSTS LIKE 700 BUCKS BECAUSE WE HAVE MONEY.
More Alex talking DYSON cut with DYSON shots of her DYSON drying her DYSON hair with the Dyson.
Did we DYSON mention this DYSON is the new Dyson?
Can I have a free Dyson now?
As has become the ritual of this totally normal relationship, all the Girl Prisoners cheer and wave goodbye as their shared boyfriend takes one of his girlfriends out for a date.
THIS IS SO NORMAL.
Wowsers. Okay. I think the money has officially run out, as we have now reached our second major product placement portion of the evening. Richie takes CAMILLA Alex to CAMILLA to CAMILLA try on clothes CAMILLA and then CAMILLA pick something CAMILLA from CAMILLA. I’m pretty sure Channel Ten is going to make advertisers pay for this whole date.
I think maybe they’re at Camilla.
Love. Brought to you by Dyson and Camilla.
OH MY GOD AND NOW THEY’RE ACTUALLY SITTING ON A MAGIC SEX COUCH IN THE CAMILLA STORE. Not only did the producers score sponsorship for this date, they’re now using the shop itself as a date venue:
THE MONEY HAS OFFICIALLY RUN OUT. BUDGET BACHIE IS BACK. (Side note: any boys looking to romance me; if you could get our date sponsored by Doughnut Time that would be much apreesh kthxbye.)
Poor Queen Sandra Sully. She released the funds, made it rain dolla dolla bills, and the idiots blew it all on a helicopter ride and a date on a crane. They might as well have used the cash to buy magic beans.
We then INTERCONTINENTAL move on to the next INTERCONTINENTAL sponsored portion of the date, at INTERCONTINENTAL the Intercontinental.
HILTO - I mean, INTERCONTINENTAL.
There is some more sitting on a Magic Sex Couch at the Intercontinental. A conversation is had about the human Alex pushed out of her vagina. It pretty much sounds like this:
Dickie Bach: “Yeah. Responsibility.”
Alex. Totally. "Responsibility.”
Dickie Bach: "Big time. Responsibility."
Alex: "Have you thought about the responsibility?"
Dickie Bach: "I think I need to think about the responsibility. Intercontinental."
They head up to some rooftop, to the exact same date we’ve seen the last three seasons, where they dance while some sad musician I’ve never heard of sings while regretting his life decisions.
They kiss. And by kiss I mean she attempts to swallow his face.
Dickie Bach takes the wine glass out of her hand, which would be a deal breaker for me tbh.
End of date. Thanks to our sponsors Dyson, Camilla and Intercontinental. And to the producers: next time you see Queen Sandra Sully to ask for money YOU’VE GOT SOME FUCKING EXPLAINING TO DO.
Group date time!
Oh YAY. It’s the annual “Time to prove how worthy you are as a woman by testing your maternal skills” date. What an important step forward for women in television.
The randoms who got picked for the group date each have to look after a robot baby, to prove that their ovaries are operating normally and are therefore eligible to win this contest. Dickie Bach comes in with a robot baby attached to his chest, and of course that leads the Girl Prisoners to declare that he would be a brilliant dad, because everybody knows that when a man picks up a baby without dropping it, he is automatically Father Of The Year.
Shhhhh - stop talking and concentrate on how good this baby looks next to my bicep.
Also, in a brave and progressive move by Channel Ten that deserves to be applauded, some babies of colour have been thrown into the mix, because it’s 2016 and diversity on prime time tv is so important, you guys.
ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR CHANNEL TEN. #progressive
Okay, so basically it looks like this date is going to be lots of giggling/squealing/testing if the girls have the maternal skills that give them inherent worth as women. It appears that Dickie Bach is impressed by those who don’t put their robot babies down, ever, which is definitely an expectation I would want a romantic interest to have of me.
Although, kind of loving that not all the Girl Prisoners are putting up with this bullshit, especially Megan, who basically treats her robot baby like a backpack. A diverse, annoying backpack. She’s my hero.
STOP EVERYTHING. THERE IS A ROBOT BABY CALLED ROSIE AND IT HAD BETTER BE THE ONE THAT SHITS ITSELF THE MOST.
Robot Baby Rosie. Shitting on the set of The Bachelor like I’ve always dreamed.
Of course, the Girl Prisoners have been secretly tested all day, and of course, Nikki wins, the one who didn’t put her robot baby down for a second, which is what Dickie Bach expects from someone with a vagina. Nikki officially has the best ovaries of them all. Everyone else will end up shrivelled and barren, destined to be alone while their junk goes bad.
Nikki’s prize for being The Best At Being A Woman is some alone time with Dickie Bach’s peen at his Dickie Bach Pad. They kiss. Dickie Bach tells her that he’s been thinking about kissing her all day. So, you know, BIG SOZ to those five other girls on the date, whose names at this point don’t seem to matter.
Blonde: Check. From Perth: Check. Good lady parts/mum skills: Check. THE ULTIMATE WOMAN.
Ugh. Nikki is heartbreakingly sweet and pretty clearly going to win and this is boring and I just want to cut back to Megan who is probably using Robot Baby Rosie as a pillow right now.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Tonight’s manufactured DRAMAAH:
Nikki is asked if she kissed Dickie Bach. She says that she kissed Dickie Bach. Alex suddenly realises that she’s on a dating show and her boyfriend has lots of other girlfriends. This is the face of someone who suddenly realises their boyfriend has lots of other girlfriends:
I WILL REIGN VICTORIOUS. HIS PEEN WILL BE MINE.
Cue lots of dramatic violin/how dare Nikki tell us she kissed Dickie Bach when we asked her if she kissed Dickie Bach/more shots of Alex looking like she’s fantasising about ripping out Nikki’s pubes and sewing them on her face like a beard while she’s sleeping.
In order to neutralise this DRAMAAAH, we cut to Eliza sitting with Dickie Bach, who is clearly confused about how she’s still even here.
"MAKE IT STOP."
Just so we remember that she’s been cast as this year’s dorky little sister who will never win (so, you know, my childhood relived), whenever Eliza comes on screen it sounds like someone is following her playing the tuba. Like the music they play when a clown comes on stage at the circus. They might as well have someone playing a kazoo whenever she says something. Channel Ten don't just know how to edit the villains - they are pro at doing the dweebs as well.
She gives Dickie Bach a random present and thanks him for putting up with her weirdness. His face indicates that he is absolutely not putting up with her weirdness. I hope you make it through tonight’s Sparkly Hunger Games of Death, Eliza. Godspeed.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Oshie comes to tell us which brunettes will be going home this week. And I don’t know what’s going on, but his hair has been attacked on the sides with a razor - I’m assuming as punishment for wasting the budget on some magic beans he bought off a Bondi Hipster.
Oh and - GASP! - after doing the complicated maths, Oshie tells us that only one brunette will be going home this week! We’re getting to the serious end now, you guys. THE BRUNETTES ARE RUNNING OUT. It won’t be long until Super Villain Keira de Vil is booted and we’re forced to find something else to watch.
Okay, Eliza is definitely going because they just crammed in one final blow to her dignity - a moment where she says she’s sure there’s a mutual attraction between her and Dickie Bach. Anyone who says that in a Rose Ceremony is in danger. RUN ELIZA RUN. MAYDAY. PRETEND LIKE YOU NEVER LIKED HIM ANYWAY. GET OUT NOW.
It’s Eliza. AND IT’S HEARTBREAKING OH GOD NO PLEASE NO POOR ELIZA IT’S AWFUL. It’s like this but WORSE:
Her poor, weird, glorious heart is broken. Oshie tells her that she is tonight’s unlovable loser, and she is shoved in the back of a car and taken away in tears:
OH HOLY OPRAH MY HEART, MY HEAAAAARRRRRT. #YouDoYouEliza
Tomorrow night: After being rested for an episode, SUPER VILLAIN KEAIRA DE VIL IS BACK. Yes.
Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.
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