So we open on some very grand, sweeping aerial shots of the
‘Spectacular Tuscan Villa’ Girl Prison, which I guess is Channel Ten’s way of trying to convince us that they definitely didn’t spend all their money on that stupid helicopter/crane date. It feels like Oshie is going to walk out at any moment, nervously look into the camera and tell us that they definitely haven’t resorted to recycling dresses and there’s DEFINITELY MONEY LEFT YOU GUYS. DEFINITELY. (*cue producer in his earpiece threatening to cut off his food and/or hairspray supply*)
MONEY. SEE. WE DEFINITELY STILL HAVE MONEY.
Oshie arrives and Alex gets the single date, but we quickly cut away from her squealing and to another WE HAVE MONEY shot of the Girl Prison, followed by a completely random and unnecessary shot of that new Dyson hairdryer that was invented for rich ladies and looks like a doughnut-shaped sex toy.
Yup, look: NOBODY PANIC THERE IS MONEY.
LOOK. THIS THING COSTS LIKE 700 BUCKS BECAUSE WE HAVE MONEY.
More Alex talking DYSON cut with DYSON shots of her DYSON drying her DYSON hair with the Dyson.
Did we DYSON mention this DYSON is the new Dyson?
Can I have a free Dyson now?
As has become the ritual of this totally normal relationship, all the Girl Prisoners cheer and wave goodbye as their shared boyfriend takes one of his girlfriends out for a date.
THIS IS SO NORMAL.
Wowsers. Okay. I think the money has officially run out, as we have now reached our second major product placement portion of the evening. Richie takes CAMILLA Alex to CAMILLA to CAMILLA try on clothes CAMILLA and then CAMILLA pick something CAMILLA from CAMILLA. I’m pretty sure Channel Ten is going to make advertisers pay for this whole date.
I think maybe they’re at Camilla.
Love. Brought to you by Dyson and Camilla.
OH MY GOD AND NOW THEY’RE ACTUALLY SITTING ON A MAGIC SEX COUCH IN THE CAMILLA STORE. Not only did the producers score sponsorship for this date, they’re now using the shop itself as a date venue:
THE MONEY HAS OFFICIALLY RUN OUT. BUDGET BACHIE IS BACK. (Side note: any boys looking to romance me; if you could get our date sponsored by Doughnut Time that would be much apreesh kthxbye.)
Poor Queen Sandra Sully. She released the funds, made it rain dolla dolla bills, and the idiots blew it all on a helicopter ride and a date on a crane. They might as well have used the cash to buy magic beans.
We then INTERCONTINENTAL move on to the next INTERCONTINENTAL sponsored portion of the date, at INTERCONTINENTAL the Intercontinental.