Okay, before we do anything else, I need to acknowledge that last night, I did not mention that a Russian who carries around a Babushka took a bite of her rose at the rose ceremony. While I didn’t consider it on par with Kevin Rudd eating that gunk he picked out of his ear that one time, it was bizarre and random and probably did deserve a mention. I will not allow such an egregious oversight again. I am truly, deeply, sorry.
If you missed Rosie’s first recap of The Bachelor, click here.
And we are straight down to business tonight. Lots of dates means Oshie’s Hair has lots of pained smiling to do, and he needs to be back in the dungeon before midnight or that perfect chocolatey brown mane will begin sprouting bursts of grey.
We open on the Lady Prisoners in the Lady Prison casually hanging around in the kitchen being totally casual. They’re playing cards, which I’m sure is meant to look whimsy, but is really just a sad sign that their imprisonment allows them zero access to television and technology. Yay female empowerment! They’re talking about Dickie Bach and how they’re all already in love with Dickie Bach and I can’t help but think that if I was there my only contribution to the conversation would be this:
Quirky Eliza mentions that Dickie Bach called her ‘adorable’ after she sang that budget T-Swift song she wrote, and she thinks this means they’re meant to be together. Oh babe. The amount of times I’ve been called ‘adorable’ by dudes I liked. It’s code for, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings but you lack the general demeanour and sexiness that porn has taught me I deserve. So, no thanks.” You aint gonna be around long, Quirky Eliza.
Then, GEEZ WE GET IT CHANNEL TEN - you want us to know that Keira is the Sexy Villain this year. That vampy music you play whenever she comes onscreen has basically been taken from the life soundtrack of Cruella de Vil. Keira drops a predictably arrogant and perfect soundbite (she truly is a producer’s dream) about definitely being the one who is going to get the first date.
She does not get the first date. (Can she please just start chanting ‘BED’ again? I want her to do that every time she doesn’t get her way. In fact. I might just start doing it in life every time something annoys me. Like when my TV forces me to click on ‘Continue Watching’. What am I? YOUR SLAVE?)
Oshie drops off the first Date Card. His hair is obviously heavenly, but it will never reach the glorious level of Sun-In perfection that it was on Australian Idol:
Some Lady Prisoner who I swear to Oprah was not at the cocktail party last night opens the date card:
Let's add her to the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ pile.
Much squealing/who’s it going to be/the producers are making us stretch this 20 second moment into 5 minutes so we need to ask some more obvious questions…
Annnnnd its Nicki. I think she's Blonde Lady #6 or something.
Of course we get lots of shots of Keira looking unimpressed, because Keira is quickly shaping up to be the only interesting person on this show. Keira doesn’t like it.