Okay, so all week Channel Ten has been really excited about this whole “BACHIE WOOD WALKS OUT DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY ERMERGERD’ thing, and it better be freaking good because I’m sick of being promised massive twists that never come. DO NOT PROMISE TABLE-FLIPPING-LEVEL DRAMA IF YOU CAN’T DELIVER. It’s just cruel.
We open tonight on a very serious Girl Prison where things are very serious because this is going to be a very serious episode that ends in very serious DRAMAAAH. Lots of serious faces/serious music etc etc etc.
The girls act sufficiently surprised when Oshie’s Hair arrives with a date card, and it almost seems like they definitely weren’t told they were about to film a scene where Oshie’s Hair arrives with a date card:
Oshie gives a long speech about the date card and then all the girls talk about the date card which means this is going to be one of those episodes where all the DRAMAAAH happens in the last five minutes and the rest is just time-filler. Hooray!
“What’s on the date card?/I wonder what the clue on the date card means?/Who’s going on the date?/We have to keep talking about this until enough time has been filled!” etc etc etc.
Time has been filled. Let’s move on.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Awww, look at Bachie Wood just totally being casual in sports gear definitely not flexing his muscles at all:
The date is teaching sports to little kids, because Bachie Wood’s business is all about teaching sport to little kids. Ah. So this is the date where the Bachelor’s business gets a plug on national TV because every Bachelor absolutely comes on this show to find love and not to give their business a massive plug on national TV.
And this date is a double whammy, because every season of The Bachelor has an episode involving kids so the girls can prove their womanhood by showing how maternal they are. Two birds. One stone. Boom.
See Mia Freedman speaking at Rosie Waterland’s book launch on Monday night (Post continues after video):
Boring boring lots of shots of the girls trying to wrangle the little kids/aren’t little kids naughty shit heads/that girl is way more maternal than that girl/whoops that girl just yelled at one of the kids clearly her ovaries are just black shrivelled sultanas with zero chance of ever giving the gift of life etc.
Obligatory ‘look at how good Bachie Wood is with kids’ shot:
Date over. Special mention to Sarah who said that ‘balls in general are not really my thing’. Sing it, sister. Especially hairy ones in your face.
The sun goes down over the Girl Prison with Nina saying that she deserves to go on tomorrow’s single date over Lana, which means she definitely will not go on tomorrow’s single over Lana.
Lana gets the single date (adoy).
Nina is like, totes mad you guys. Check it:
It’s just like, totes unfair that an intruder gets the single date. Like, how can an intruder have the audacity to take her man? Obviously it’s okay to share your boyfriend with 19 other girls, but when an extra two girls come in? Well, that’s just crossing the line.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Bachie Wood takes Lana parasailing. Tells her she has beautiful eyes. More parasailing. More beautiful eye comments. More parasailing. More beautiful eye comments. She can’t even deal. She honestly seems pretty close to just scooping them out of her head and giving them to him.
Back at the Girl Prison, more serious music tells us that there’s more SERIOUS DRAMAAAH happening. Nina is still mad that she’s an Original and an Intruder took her boyfriend on a date. It’s not fair/The Intruders are different/They’re not the same as us/We shouldn’t have let them in/They shouldn’t have the same rights as us/Why can’t they just go back to where they came from and stop taking our opportunities/Stay tuned for my joint press conference with Tony Abbott.
On the single date, there’s a private concert for the two of them being performed by some musician I’ve never heard of who is probably dying inside:
They dance, and Bachie Wood says that Lana has knocked his Bachie Peen sideways and talks about falling in love really fast and says something about ‘reassessing where his heart is at’ and oh holy Oprah this chick has won this whole damn thing. HOW COULD YOU FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HEATHER THAT FAST? YOU LOVE HEATHER NOT LANA THIS ISN’T RIGHT. WAIT WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT A MAN DATING SEVERAL WOMEN AT ONCE COULD CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT WHICH ONE HE LOVES ON A DAILY BASIS?
He takes her to the Magic Sex Couch, and OH MY FUCKING GLOB. Check that face. He’s mesmerised by her. He cannot even deal with his Bachie Peen tingles right now. He can’t even remember Heather’s name at this point. Heather is dead to him. He wants Lana to engulf his peen forever and ever:
He’s basically planning their wedding already and she knows it. Check her face right now:
She gets a rose, obviously. And then she pulls his heart from his chest and casually throws it in her bag because she owns it now. Soz, Heather. You played a solid game, my friend. Hats off to you.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Lana walks in with her rose and, it cannot be denied, the moment is glorious:
I still don’t understand why the girls are pissed that an Intruder got a rose, and not pissed that they ALL SHARE A BOYFRIEND WHO IS MAKING THEM COMPETE FOR HIS ATTENTION. No, Rosie, YOU DON’T GET IT. The Intruder is clearly the problem here.
Meanwhile, I’m starting to think the only reason that other random intruder was allowed in is because her entire personality is just making captivating faces like this:
Oh my glob. This cocktail party is a glorious cesspool of dysfunction. The girls are just sitting in a room, and Bachie Wood comes in to request a few minutes with each of them. That is literally what the party is – waiting quietly for your shared boyfriend to grace you with his presence. I actually can’t take this. RUN GIRLS RUN. THAT IS NOT A PARTY THAT IS A POLYGAMY WAITING ROOM.
None of them run. They all patiently wait their turns in their prettiest ball gowns. Stay tuned for the details of Feminism’s memorial. There will be cake.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Oshie talks for a really, really long time about how stressed Bachie Wood is, which is all building up to the SERIOUS DRAAAMAAAAH that Channel Ten has been promising all week re: him walking out.
And sure enough, Bachie Wood has so much thinking to do that he starts to get the thinking sweats. Then he gets the emotional sweats. And we know that it’s serious because the editors are showing us lots of shots of him freaking out cut with very serious piano music:
He walks out. He needs to do some more sweat-thinking. Sarah, Nina and Rachel and left hanging without roses, knowing that they don’t matter enough to their shared boyfriend for him to be sure of what he wants.
OMG HE’S LOOKING FOR HIS SOUL SISTA OSHIE TO TALK ABOUT THE GLASS CASE OF EMOTION HE CAN’T GET OUT OF.
Quick, someone unchain Oshie, put some product in his hair and get him the fuck out there! BACHIE WOOD NEEDS TO WORKSHOP HIS FEELINGS THIS IS SERIOUS.
Write it down: Wednesday, September 2, 2015. The day the most glorious piece of television in history graced our screens:
I just died. I am dead.
Holy fucking Oprah. Please let him be sending all three girls home. If he isn’t sure which way he wants to vote, then he’s JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. (AND YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE WITH A GUY WHO ‘VOTES’ FOR YOU ANYWAY.)
Oshie’s helpful advice acquired, Bachie Wood heads back to the rose ceremony. Man, they have built this up so hard, if it’s lame I am going to CUT A BITCH. I have been waiting ALL FREAKING WEEK for this climax. IT BETTER BE GOOD.
It’s not good.
He couldn’t decide which girl to send home so… He gives every girl a rose! Nobody is going home tonight! Can you believe it?!? What an exciting and unexpected TWIST!
SERIOUSLY? You have one freaking job, Bachie Wood. Enjoy a bunch of girls humiliating themselves in degrading challenges to win your heart, but then you can only have ONE GIRL in the end. YOU DO NOT GET TO KEEP THEM ALL BACHIE WOOD THAT’S NOT HOW THIS GAME WORKS. All but one must go, I’m afraid. Sandra Sully, the glorious queen of Channel Ten, says so. Be a man. Make a decision. Grow some of those balls Sarah said she didn’t like.
All the girls cry out of sheer joy. Instead of being mad that they were just humiliated while Bachie Wood decided if he wanted to keep them around or not, they’re thrilled that they’re all sharing a boyfriend who’s just so sensitive and lovely that he wants to keep them all.
TRUE LOVE (x 6).
Listen to the No Filter podcast that everybody’s been talking about – An interview with Rosie Waterland by Mia Freedman:
Missed a recap? Catch up here.