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Rosie Recaps: The Bachelor Ep 8. Poor Bachie Wood. He took a girl to the sex couch, and only got a pash.

Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here.

And we open with Bachie Wood tonight… Patting a horse? He’s taking it very seriously, so it must have something to do with showing his thoughtful, sensitive side. There is absolutely zero explanation as to why he is doing his thinking on a random farm with a horsey friend, although it probs has something to do with Oshie’s hair budget getting out of control and this being some leftover footage from yesterday’s farm date. I like it though. ‘Serious Horse Thinking’ is definitely a Bachie thinking that we haven’t seen before.

#SERIOUSHORSETHINKING

Cut to the Girl Prison, where the girls are just casually hanging out in the kitchen being totally casual and talking about how sad they are that their boyfriend dumped one of his other girlfriends last night. It really takes the romance out of a relationship when one of your sister wives gets kicked to the curve, amiright? But never fear! Oshie’s Hair arrives to lift their spirits with the group date card.

He leaves as gloriously as he came, then, because clearly not a lot is going to happen in this episode and the producers are panicking about filling time, we are forced to listen as each girl’s name is read out, then we hear what each of those girls think about their name being read out, as well as what they think about the other names that have been read out. Then we hear the date clue, and we hear what each girl thinks about the clue, then we hear what each girl thinks about what each other girl thinks about the clue. Jesus. Tonight’s going to be painful, isn’t it? Excuse while I get some wine… … …

Ok, I’m back.

The clue on the card is: ‘The race in on’. Which clearly means this is going to be another humiliating segment in which the girls bring pride on their families by competing for some alone time with a man in a gimmicky, often violent, sporting activity. Can’t wait!

GROUP DATE TIME.

Wow. Okay. Y’all know what I’m going to say. Say it with me:

NISSAN.

The two hottest arses on The Bachelor. NISSAN ARSES.

They are NISSAN driving to NISSAN this date in a NISSAN. And oh my gosh it’s parking on its own the future is now so much technology and while still being stylish etc NISSAN etc! NISSAN NISSAN NISSAN NISSAN. (Can I have a Nissan now?)

The date is Go-Karting, which means dodgem car-style crashes are absolutely being prayed for by the producers. And can I just say, Oshie’s Helmet Hair is ON FLEEK this evening. Bachie Wood looks totes jelly:

Bachie Wood: Major Hair Envy. AND RIGHTFULLY FUCKING SO.

Ugh. Okay, so the producers are really, really pushing this whole ‘contest between Nina and Emily’ thing. Apparently we’re meant to get very excited about the fact that there is tension between them, thus building suspense for us at home. Waaaah okay fine. I’ll do my part. Deep breath…

Nina thinks that she is like, totally the best driver of all the girls and will defs win this race but Emily is all like ‘No way, I hate Nina, she’s like, a massive biatch and I really want to beat her and her biatch face’ and then Nina is all ‘lol cars’ and Emily is all *bitchy look* and now we know that they are like, total MORTAL ENEMIES.

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This race will definitely come down to the two of them.

OM FUCKING G STOP EVERYTHING. Oshie is the flag girl at the starting line and seeing him kick off the race like is officially all my dreams coming true.

I just want Oshie to wave that flag to kick off all my sexual encounters. And knowing my luck with the peenfolk, he’ll be waving the finish-line flag 49 seconds later.

Okay so they race. And they race. And they race and they race and they race. Ermergerd. Do we really have to watch all 15 laps o this thing? Are you really that desperate to fill time tonight, Channel Ten? We get it – they’re bashing into each other and playing dirty and they all want to win cos girlz be bitchy desperadoes. Let’s just cut to the end, shall we?

Emily wins, and in a gloriously embarrassing turn of events, Nina thinks that she has won and does an incredibly loud victory lap. It’s brilliant, and Emily makes it even more brilliant by being the most ungracious winner in history. She gets her precious alone time with Bachie Wood, and it’s obvious within about 30 seconds that he actually just hates her so much.

BACHIE WOOD NO COMPUTE. BRAIN NOT SEEING WHAT PEEN IS SEEING. PLS SEND HELP.

He keeps looking at her like she’s got some kind of putrid cluster of warts on her face. It just seems like he wants to get the fuck out of there. Then he tells the camera that he doesn’t think they have anything in common and she is definitely going home and his brain has finally started to take over his peen.

Back at the Girl Prison, Nina walks into the backyard where the girls are just casually hanging out being totally casual. she has the single date card and – oh my glob – they really are desperate to fill time in this episode. They talk about who could possibly be on the date card. They all get nervous about whose name will be on the date card. They talk about how much they want to know whose name is on the date card, completely forgetting that they do, in fact, have access to the date card. Finally someone realises that the date card is right on front of them, and they open it.

“HOLD UP YOU GUYS. We don’t have to keep guessing – I’m holding the date card!”

But that was what? Two solid minutes filled? Well done, editors, well done. Oh wait – there’s more.

Parmigiana gets the single date. The girls talk for a while about how Parmigiana got the single date. Then Parmigiana talks for a while about how Parmigiana got the single date. Then everybody talks about what she’ll wear on the single date. Holy fucking Oprah can we please just cut to the Channel Ten dungeon and just spend the next 1/2 hour watching Oshie cry over Channel V reruns while he brushes his hair? (#SaveOsher)

SINGLE DATE TIME!

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Bachie Wood gis coming to pick up Parmigiana on a tiny little speedboat, and…. Does anyone else feel like the budget this season has been way lower than other seasons? Like, for realsies, didn’t Bachie Wiggum just live his Bachie life full on Bronwyn Bishop-style last year? He would literally take a helicopter to do a shit. He would charter a seaplane just to get from one end of a beach to the other. This season has not been like that. I mean, come the fuck on:

That boat is so small the captain can actually keep it connected to the wharf with ONE HAND. I’m surprised it even has an engine, tbh. The way this budget series has been going, I’m surprised Bachie Wood isn’t getting Parmigiana to this date by pulling her along behind him in a red wagon.

Next up, he takes her to ‘Little Italy’ which is basically just tables plonked on some grass with some Italian food on them. Oh, and there’s also a not-at-all conspicuous SEX COUCH off to the side:

PEEN. This is for PEEN.

Presumptuous much, Bachie Wood? Parmigiana ‘can’t believe all the trouble Bachie Wood went to’ blah blah blah. They make a pizza together, and Parmigiana says it’s the best fun she’s EVER had making a pizza. You’d wanna hope she’s never made a pizza with her li’l daughter Chicken, who’s probably sitting at home right now, a single tear rolling down her cheek while thinking “THANKS A FUCKING LOT, BITCH”

Talk talk true love talk feelings emotions Italian food etc etc etc.

Yay! We cut to the Girl Prison, where more time is being filled by Nina ‘accidentally’ telling everyone that Parmigiana and Bachie Wood kissed at the farm dance date yesterday. And by ‘accidentally’, I mean a producer told her that nothing is fucking happening in this episode so she had better go in there and tell everyone that Parmigiana and Bachie Wood kissed at the barn dance.

“This is my ‘the producers told me to pretend I totally didn’t mean to tell you that’ face.”

I think they were hoping that Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather would strip off her clothes, shed her skin and reveal herself to be a psycho reptile that lives off the strength of Bachie Wood pubes. Unfortunately though, she reacts like a person who understands that this is a television show and on that show her boyfriend is dating multiple other women and she just laughs.

Ahhhh, now I see why this episode has been one massive pointless time-filler – they had allocated at least 15 minutes to the psycho meltdown they were hoping Heather would have, but then the bitch didn’t have it, so they were screwed. And now we’re the ones who are punished! We’re the ones who have to pay with 15-minute bloody conversations about who is going to be on a date card they they are holding the date card IN THEIR FUCKING HANDS. Be more prepared next time, Channel Ten!

Back on the single date, and literally nothing interesting is happening except a conversation about how Parmigiana is a single mum to a daughter called Chicken blah blah blah are you willing to be a step dad blah blah blah. Of course he’s going to say he is! Do you really think he’s going to say ‘fuck no!’ on national TV, throw a drink in your face and sprint towards that tiny boat? Gah. Pointless conversation. NEXT.

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Oh, he takes her to the sex couch. Gives her a Star Wars dessert and a rose. Then they make out. EVERY GIRL’S DREAM.

Sexy sex couch sexing.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

More boring filler stuff because Heather let everybody down by not shedding her skin in a jealous rage. Nina’s still worried that she told everyone about the kiss blah blah nobody cares just send Emily home and let’s get on with this.

Time filler time filler time filler time filler blah blah blah. Bachie Wood talks to Heather. Nina tells Parmigiana that she told everyone about the kiss and – GASP! – Parmigiana is a reasonable human being and doesn’t give a shit. Man, these ladies are really letting the producers down this week by not being crazy as shit.

Special metion: Emily thinking that ‘disingenuine’ is a word. Stay in school, kids.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Okay we all know that Emily’s going because she makes his peen feel tingles but he’s disgusted by her personali – Um… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HE GIVES EMILY A ROSE. BRAIN MELTDOWN. BLEEP BLOOP BLEEP BLEEP. PEEN HAS WON. PEEN HAS OFFICIALLY WON.

Okay, well… Fuck. I almost always predict this shit. I’m confused and frightened. Well, if it’s not Emily, who he clearly hates, it’ll have to be that blonde girl that isn’t Sarah, because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know that she exists.

It’s the blonde girl that isn’t Sarah, because he doesn’t know that she exists.

Oshie’s Hair come and kicks her out.

Bachie tries to look sad, but has no fucking clue who she is. It’s a good effort though:

Please don’t ask if I know your name, girl who looks like Sarah.

Next week: INTRUDERS WOOP WOOP. We might get that table flip after all…

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s coming out soon. Pre-order it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

 

Listen to the No Filter podcast that everybody’s been talking about – An interview with Rosie Waterland by Mia Freedman:

Missed a recap? Catch up here.

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1

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