And we’re off to a promising start this evening, ladies and gentleman, with the girls in the Girl Prison trying to explain how a successful polygamous relationship works. “Her Sam isn’t my Sam and my Sam isn’t her Sam,” Parmigiana informs us. “Weird, but that’s the only way it can work.” Is it weird though, Parmie – the fact that your brain is desperately trying to rationalise the fact that you’re on a National Polygamy Contest? Is it really that weird?
Oshie’s glorious hair is on night leave from the bowels of Channel Ten, and he stops by the Girl Prison to give the single date card to Nina, a person whose name I just learned. She squeals with all the dignity you would expect from someone who was just chosen by her boyfriend to go on a date over his 13 other girlfriends.
SINGLE DATE TIME.
Bachie Wood takes a moment to show us his very impressive ‘leather-wearing’ skills, which I’m assuming makes up about 63% of his yet-to-be-discovered personality.
He thanks Nina for being so ‘patient’, since he’s technically been dating her for over a month and in that time he’s taken several of his other girlfriends out of the Girl Prison for dates. But he’s going to make it up to her, apparently, by making her haul arse to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge on a windy day.
A windy day that, HORRIFYINGLY, has managed to compromise the complex physics that keep Oshie’s Hair in place. THIS IS CODE RED, PEOPLE. CODE FUCKING RED:
THE HAIR HAS BEEN COMPROMISED. Save him, Queen Sully, SAVE HIM!
But look at that, like the trooper hero that he is, Oshie continues on with the task at hand. Repairs will need to made to the hairspray machine later. For now, he must break the important news:
Bachie Wood and Nina are going to try and break the world record of the longest onscreen television kiss. There’s a legit Guinness Book of Records person there and everything, so it must be hard to do.
Except it’s not. It’s only 3 minutes and 47 seconds. I was expecting Oshie to say like half an hour or something. Is anyone else disappointed? In fact, just to prove how much of a non-record this is, me and my best friend Antonio climbed the bridge last night and attempted it. I am truly a gifted Gonzo Journalism type person.
Let’s compare results, shall we?
Here’s Bachie Wood and Nina going at it:
And here’s the equally sexy me and Antonio:
SPOT THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE.
Actually, I’ll just let you watch video of both record attempts and let you decide which was better:
Okay, so we didn’t exactly make it to 4 minutes, but I think we win for OUTRIGHT FREAKING SEXINESS.
Oh yeah, they break the record. Whatevs.
Bachie Wood finishes the date by taking her to a magic love seat to talk about feelings, and privately tells the camera that he thinks there’s a ‘foundation’ they could possibly build on romantically. He might as well have laughed in her face and said, “LOL. Thanks but no thanks.” He still gives her a rose though, since there’s still weeks left of the show and more obvious crazies *cough Sandra cough* need to be booted first.
Nina heads back to the Girl Prison, and, let’s be honest, aren’t we all just hoping that Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather will freak the FUCK out when she sees her rose? She’s been starting to crack lately – acting so cool all the time must be fucking exhausting. Oh my, she doesn’t disappoint. Check out those crazy eyes:
She’s FINE you guys. TOTALLY LAID BACK AND COOL AND FINE. That is kind of the look I imagined that deranged astronaut lady had when she shat in a diaper while driving for ten straight hours to confront some dude.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Hurrah! It’s time for this year’s ‘Humiliating Physical Challenge’! They always involve short shorts, knee-high socks and the girls bashing into each other. I like that they never bother to change the formula, it brings me comfort. Thanks, Channel Ten – heart you forever.
This year’s ‘team sport’ fight to the death is bubble soccer, and the winning team get to spend a couple of extra hours with Bachie Wood. The girls talk a lot about how important it is that they really go in and fight hard for his Tassie Peen. It reminds me of all the other great fights women have had to go through. The fight to vote. The fight to own property. The fight to make autonomous choices about one’s body. The fight for equal pay. Putting on short shorts and competing for a man with no discerning personality in a game of something called ‘bubble soccer’ really needs to be recorded as one of our most important fights yet.
In fact, let’s just put this female fight for Bachie Wood Peen on the level it deserves to be at right now.
Here’s Malala Yousafzai, doing her part in the fight to bring home the girls abducted by Boko Haram:
And here’s a bachelorette fighting for the right to have dinner with Bachie Wood and three of his other girlfriends:
Back at the Girl Prison, the girls put icing on cupcakes while wearing crop tops, because that’s definitely what girls do when they’re hanging out alone.
So natural! I mean, that’s totally what I do when I’m hanging out at home. I definitely don’t drink so much wine that I wake up with a melted pizza pocket stuck to my left bum cheek. I do the cupcake crop top thing.
Back at the group date, all the girls are continuing to bring great pride on their families. The green team wins. Bachie Wood compares their game of bubble soccer to the ten AFL Grand Finals he’s been to, and with that statement I think AFL fans may have finally found someone who actually deserves to be booed.
He takes the winning team on a completely appropriate ‘Mexican-themed’ date, in which they all wear sombreros and eat nachos and hit piñatas, because that’s clearly all there is to Mexican culture.
All the girls bitch about Sandra for having the audacity to be herself, even if it annoys people. Bachie Wood finally admits that he finds her irritating and would like for her to be gone pls. She is defs going home tonight.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather says some totally laid back and cool and definitely not bitchy things about girls in the house who are attractive. “I hope that he’s more excited about the way I do sexy, than the way the other girls do sexy.” ERMERGERD. You have committed to the ‘laid back cool’ thing. Own it. Don’t now be throwing shade at girls like Emily who aren’t afraid to admit that they like to be girly and feminine. It’s pretty simple: ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF WOMEN ARE SEXY. He can like the ‘cool dude’ thing you do, AND the ‘girly girl’ thing she does. Calm down, Cool Girl, just calm down.
All the other girls mess with her by talking about how she’s totally been friend-zoned, which is boring and just embarrassing for them tbh because she clearly hasn’t and is almost definitely going to win this whole damn thing. (Provided she doesn’t put on a diaper, escape the Girl Prison and hitchhike to Bachie Wood’s while wearing a crown made out of his pubes.)
ROSE CEREMONY TIME.
Okay so they’re focusing really hard on Sandra and some girl I don’t know the name of, which means she is a clearly a misdirection and Sandra is getting booted.
Sandra gets booted. Oshie’s hair comes in to tell her that she is the unlovable loser and has therefore been booted. She leaves with a smile, and I already miss her. ALL HAIL SANDRA. Kween of giving zero fucks and just living life as a possessed female whippersnapper.
TOMORROW NIGHT: One girl realises that she is on a reality show in which the man she is dating has 13 other girlfriends. She leaves in a huff. DRAMAAAAA.
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