And we’re off to a promising start this evening, ladies and gentleman, with the girls in the Girl Prison trying to explain how a successful polygamous relationship works. “Her Sam isn’t my Sam and my Sam isn’t her Sam,” Parmigiana informs us. “Weird, but that’s the only way it can work.” Is it weird though, Parmie – the fact that your brain is desperately trying to rationalise the fact that you’re on a National Polygamy Contest? Is it really that weird?
Oshie’s glorious hair is on night leave from the bowels of Channel Ten, and he stops by the Girl Prison to give the single date card to Nina, a person whose name I just learned. She squeals with all the dignity you would expect from someone who was just chosen by her boyfriend to go on a date over his 13 other girlfriends.
SINGLE DATE TIME.
Bachie Wood takes a moment to show us his very impressive ‘leather-wearing’ skills, which I’m assuming makes up about 63% of his yet-to-be-discovered personality.
He thanks Nina for being so ‘patient’, since he’s technically been dating her for over a month and in that time he’s taken several of his other girlfriends out of the Girl Prison for dates. But he’s going to make it up to her, apparently, by making her haul arse to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge on a windy day.
A windy day that, HORRIFYINGLY, has managed to compromise the complex physics that keep Oshie’s Hair in place. THIS IS CODE RED, PEOPLE. CODE FUCKING RED:
THE HAIR HAS BEEN COMPROMISED. Save him, Queen Sully, SAVE HIM!
But look at that, like the trooper hero that he is, Oshie continues on with the task at hand. Repairs will need to made to the hairspray machine later. For now, he must break the important news:
Bachie Wood and Nina are going to try and break the world record of the longest onscreen television kiss. There’s a legit Guinness Book of Records person there and everything, so it must be hard to do.
Except it’s not. It’s only 3 minutes and 47 seconds. I was expecting Oshie to say like half an hour or something. Is anyone else disappointed? In fact, just to prove how much of a non-record this is, me and my best friend Antonio climbed the bridge last night and attempted it. I am truly a gifted Gonzo Journalism type person.
Let’s compare results, shall we?
Here’s Bachie Wood and Nina going at it:
And here’s the equally sexy me and Antonio:
SPOT THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE.
Actually, I’ll just let you watch video of both record attempts and let you decide which was better: