And heeeere we go again.
Week 2, Episode 3, and it’s really feeling like we’re getting into the muscly swing of things. We open on Bachie Wood doing some serious thinking/muscle flexing while looking out onto a random body of water. He has a lot of feelings about love etc, and he can only have them in a tank top.
Once Bachie Wood has done his thinking for the day, we cut to the Girl Prison, where Oshie’s hair interrupts their very casual-looking and definitely natural girlie hang out sesh to tell them that this week, The Bachelor is going to do something that has NEVER BEEN DONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELOR. Lots of whispers/squeals/”what is it?”/”do you think he’ll go down on one of us?!?” etc etc etc.
Apparently Bachie Wood likes a ‘decisive woman’ (does he? He has revealed nothing of himself! I CANNOT PENETRATE HIS OUTER SHELL. WHAT EVEN IS YOUR PERSONALITY BACHIE WOOD?) and he’s decided that he’s going to generously let the girls choose who will be released from Girl Prison for a day to spend some time with him.
So… The exciting surprise that has NEVER BEEN DONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELOR is just forcing the girls into a bitchy popularity contest, except in this one, they’re the judges, and not a bland robot man from Tasmania. Jacinda is convinced that being given this ‘control’ is a proud feminist moment for them all, because deciding which of your boyfriend’s 14 girlfriends get to spend a few hours with him is exactly what the suffragettes had in mind. SOMEONE CALL FEMINISM IMMEDIATELY AND ALERT THEM OF THIS HUGE STEP FORWARD.
So, nobody is allowed to vote for themselves, which means everybody will vote for someone whom they think Bachie Wood would never want to put his peen in, which means everyone is obviously going to vote for Sandra. Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather aint no dummy – she votes for Sandra straight away. But ugh, she tries to convince us that she’s doing it because she’s lovely and thoughtful (“I wanted to vote for someone who he might forget was there”) and not because she knows Sandra scares Bachie Wood’s peen back inside itself and will therefore be zero threat. JUST ADMIT YOU’RE PLAYING THE GAME, COOL GIRL.