And heeeere we go again.
Week 2, Episode 3, and it’s really feeling like we’re getting into the muscly swing of things. We open on Bachie Wood doing some serious thinking/muscle flexing while looking out onto a random body of water. He has a lot of feelings about love etc, and he can only have them in a tank top.
Once Bachie Wood has done his thinking for the day, we cut to the Girl Prison, where Oshie’s hair interrupts their very casual-looking and definitely natural girlie hang out sesh to tell them that this week, The Bachelor is going to do something that has NEVER BEEN DONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELOR. Lots of whispers/squeals/”what is it?”/”do you think he’ll go down on one of us?!?” etc etc etc.
Apparently Bachie Wood likes a ‘decisive woman’ (does he? He has revealed nothing of himself! I CANNOT PENETRATE HIS OUTER SHELL. WHAT EVEN IS YOUR PERSONALITY BACHIE WOOD?) and he’s decided that he’s going to generously let the girls choose who will be released from Girl Prison for a day to spend some time with him.
So… The exciting surprise that has NEVER BEEN DONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELOR is just forcing the girls into a bitchy popularity contest, except in this one, they’re the judges, and not a bland robot man from Tasmania. Jacinda is convinced that being given this ‘control’ is a proud feminist moment for them all, because deciding which of your boyfriend’s 14 girlfriends get to spend a few hours with him is exactly what the suffragettes had in mind. SOMEONE CALL FEMINISM IMMEDIATELY AND ALERT THEM OF THIS HUGE STEP FORWARD.
So, nobody is allowed to vote for themselves, which means everybody will vote for someone whom they think Bachie Wood would never want to put his peen in, which means everyone is obviously going to vote for Sandra. Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather aint no dummy – she votes for Sandra straight away. But ugh, she tries to convince us that she’s doing it because she’s lovely and thoughtful (“I wanted to vote for someone who he might forget was there”) and not because she knows Sandra scares Bachie Wood’s peen back inside itself and will therefore be zero threat. JUST ADMIT YOU’RE PLAYING THE GAME, COOL GIRL.
Oshie’s hair counts the votes, and mentions about 11 more times that THIS HAS NEVER BEEN DONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELOR. Surprisingly, it’s a tie between Sandra and Madeleine, a person whom I still don’t think I’ve ever seen before. Seriously, who the fuck is Madeleine, and what’s wrong with her that the girls think she poses no threat? What do they know that we don’t?
Oh holy Jesus. THIS:
Is that…? Am I…? Am I being punked? Is she actually baking pink cupcakes, with all pink appliances and utensils, while wearing a pink frilly apron? And… wait… did she actually just say that she’s hoping one day to be given the opportunity to be “the perfect wife”? I just threw up in my mouth and a little bit of my soul was mixed in with the inevitable chunks of carrot PLS SEND HELP. I want to be a perfect wife too, if by ‘perfect wife’ she means knowing how to use Menulog and only giving half-hearted head jobs on his birthday (I’m single, boys!).
Frilly Maddie’s date with Bachie Wood is on a row-boat, and they basically spend the entire time talking about how they are on a row boat.
“This is pretty.”
“Yes. It is pretty. So pretty.”
“Oh my gosh, so beautiful.”
“Look, a waterfall.”
“Yes, a waterfall.”
Oh, well fucking played other girls. It appears that Frilly Maddie is just as dull as Sandra is outrageous. They voted for her to go on this date because she clearly has no chance.
“Yes. It is raining.”
OH GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. Watching these two try to have a conversation is like watching a turtle on its back trying desperately to flip over.
Yay! We cut back to the Girl Prison to see who’s going to get to go on the other date. Channel Ten shows enormous restraint by letting Dr. Anal Glands speak and not forcing her to say ‘anal glands’. Parmigiana is the lucky chosen one, and Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather is finding it a little difficult to be totally laid back and cool about it:
Okay back to Frilly Maddie’s date.
She won’t stop talking about her hair and make up and Bachie Wood is actually slowly inching away from her. His peen has made a clear decision. Frilly Maddie the Stepford Wife is out. AND OH HOLY OPRAH – just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she’s refusing to eat in front of him because “that’s embarrassing?”
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Um, SAY WAH? Oh, this poor misguided girl. Where has she been getting her information on how to behave around men? (Watching The Bachelor, probably.) If she ever does marry a dude, I am absolutely certain she will die within days from complications due to refusing to take a shit. In fact, I’m starting to think there’s just a skin-coloured oval where her bum hole should be, because someone told her ladies should never push out a chocolate log. Well, this is a write-off. Bachie Wood is already talking about how this will probably be their only date.
Meanwhile, can we just stop for a second and talk about Bachie Wood’s epic hair situation?
Look at that height! Look at that stiffness! Look at that luminous colour! How could Channel Ten do this Oshie? They chain him to a hairspray machine 23 hours a day, and then bring in some Tasmanian guy with competitive locks? HOW VERY DARE THEY. Oshie’s hair is to be respected, for the glorious, physics-defying, chocolately-brown miracle that it is. Settle down with the hair height, Bachie Wood. I’ve got my eye on you. Nobody is allowed to make my Oshie look basic. #SaveOsher
Bachie Wood stands by a hot air balloon while it’s blowing up to prove that he definitely organised this date himself, brought the hot air balloon, will fly the hot air balloon and also invented hot air balloons.
Bachie Wood says he picked (and invented) hot air ballooning because he’s “a romantic at heart.” ARE YOU, BACHIE WOOD? ARE YOU? It’s three episodes in and I literally cannot decipher a single thing about your personality. Do you have one? ARE YOU A BACHIE ROBOT? When you go home at night do you just sit creepily still in a chair until it’s time for bed? WHO ARE YOU?
He helpfully describes to us what Parmigiana is wearing, then we just watch them staring at things and holding hands and isn’t this lovely etc etc etc. All they talk about on their date is how lovely their date is. Bachie Wood briefly brings up Parmigiana’s daughter Eve, which I find insulting since I refuse to believe her name is anything but chicken. He says that the fact Parmigiana has procreated with someone else’s sperm is not a dealbreaker. Lucky Parmigiana.
Ugh this is just lovey dovey and boring and nothing is happening and – HOLD UP.
CAKE. AND WINE. WINE AND CAKE. Parmigiana, babe, tell Bachie Wood to bounce so you can get down and dirty with the only part of this date that really matters. A picnic blanket, wine and a delicious tray of baked goods? A man is only an irritating hurdle in this situation. In my humble opinion, anyway.
Ugggghhhhh Bachie Wood wants to kiss Parmigiana so bad but he lacks any kind of smoothness and the whole thing is so awkward arrrrgghhhh I can’t take it:
Meanwhile, back with my dream date…
More boring stuff love love boring boring he gives her a rose boring. Parmigiana returns to the Girl Prison triumphant, and Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather immediately goes to cry in the shower while washing herself with a loofah made of Bachie Wood’s pubes. A pube loofah.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Tonight’s cocktail party has a ‘Roaring 20s’ theme, which I suspect is because some Channel Ten intern ordered too many 20s costumes when organising The Great Gatsby photo shoot last week. Queen Sully does not mess around when it comes to the budget. If they’re going to keep Oshie’s hairspray machine fully operational, not a dollar can be wasted.
Someone who I don’t recognise informs the other ladies that “we’re basically 14 girls dating the same guy.” Um, well, there’s no ‘basically’ involved. That’s EXACTLY what you are, sweetie. Good to see they’re all slowly catching on, though.
Sandra attempts a sneaky intercept on Sarah’s all-important one-on-one time with Bachie Wood, and fails SPECTACULARLY. Sarah majorly clit-blocks her, and she sits next to the girl he actually wants to bone for a while then graciously bows out:
Oh my glob, I just want to travel the world with her and take photos while she terrifies people.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Oshie’s hair informs us that all but ONE girl will be getting roses tonight, which means only ONE girl will be leaving the Girl Prison. Because maths etc.
Okay a bunch of filler girls that I don’t recognise are getting roses. Like seriously, where do they keep coming from? Who the fuck is this:
Definitely adding her to the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ pile.
And in a move that surprises nobody, Frilly Maddie, the girl with no bum hole, is sent home. But if she keeps making sure never to do that embarrassing ‘eating’ thing in front of men, I’m sure she’ll find herself a hubby she can be the perfect wife for in no time. God. I want to cry.
Same time, same place tomorrow!!
Missed a recap? Catch up here.