Advice you should never follow but will definitely enjoy reading.

Welcome to ‘What Would You Do?’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with your etiquette/relationship/general life problems (including but not limited to eyebrow crabs) and ask me what I would do. Consider it my selfless Oprah-esque gift to all of humanity. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche. You’re welcome.

Let’s get into it:

Dear Rosie,

I’m gathering vegetables at the supermarket a few nights ago when suddenly it dawned on me. I’ve got enough mushrooms in my bag for four people and I’m only cooking for one. So here’s my question to you. I’ve touched the mushrooms. Can I put them back? Or – do I have to own my mistakes and pay for the mushrooms I have no intention of using.

Help me,

Scared in the Supermarket.

Well first of all, I appreciate you getting into the spirit of my column by giving yourself a very clever anonymous nickname, but settle down Scared in the Supermarket. I’m the writer here, big shot. Also, I can’t be bothered typing out ‘Scared in the Supermarket’ twenty times, so I’m going to call you Dwayne. Although, I get the feeling you’re a lady, so let’s make it Dwaynette.

So, Dwaynette, let’s deal with your obvious crippling loneliness first. The mushrooms gave you away. Why did you initially pick up enough for four people? What made you think that your dinner would consist of more than you eating those mushrooms straight out of the bag while standing over the sink?

Is the ‘cooking for one’ thing a new development? Do you have a Sims family that just died? Has the moderator of your favourite Twin Peaks chat room stopped replying to your comments? Did your judgmental cat abandon you after catching you using the handle end of your electric toothbrush as a vibrator?

Whatever the reason for your transparent mushroom mistake, you need to get it together Dwaynette. Get a new favourite TV show or something. And next time immunise your Sims family so they don’t die from Polio.

Now, the issue at hand: Should you have paid for the extra mushrooms that you had already touched with your vibrator toothbrush hands, or should you have tried to sneak them back onto the shelf?

The answer to this one is easy. How about this for a philosophical truth bomb:

If nobody saw you do it, then it never happened. Kind of like when you throw up in the shower after a big night.

Or another example: Once, when I was probably way too old to know better, I accidentally pooped my pants. I didn’t want my mum to find out or my sister to tease me, so I went to the laundry, took off my poop-filled undies and hid them behind the washing machine. What happened to the undies from that point was none of my business. Because…

Nobody saw me do it, SO IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Did my mum notice me waddling to my room and immediately get suspicious? Or did those undies stay there and eventually turn into a crusty, mangled, unrecognisable piece of abstract art that would excite the hosts of Antiques Roadshow?

It doesn’t matter, because…

Nobody saw me do it, SO IT NEVER HAPPENED.

What I’m trying to say is, if you can manage to put the mushrooms back without anybody seeing, then go for it, Dwaynette. Nobody can prove they were ever in your bag, and you’ll be saving yourself… What? $1.20?

Worth it.

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If you want Rosie’s advice on something, email her at rosie@mamamia.com.au and put ‘What would you do” in the subject line. Of course it will all be completely anonymous. And she’ll only judge you behind your back.