By MELISSA HUGZILLA
What’s a man to do when the woman in his life is delivering a baby?
Live-Tweeting the whole thing might work for the incomparable Robbie Williams, but comes with a high degree of difficulty for the average man.
In the interests of saving relationships other than Robbie’s, here are seven things he should just definitely NOT do. Really.
1. Don’t compare your discomfort with hers.
Don’t complain about being tired. Or hungry. Or bored. If you think that your day sucks I can guarantee you it’s got nothing on hers. Don’t whine that you’re missing the grand final, or that you have a headache or that your tennis elbow is flaring up because you don’t have any Nurofen. Don’t tell her that this is harder for you than it is for her. In fact, don’t complain about anything short of a severed limb or a failed personal attempt to save the head-of-state from assassination. If you are tempted to complain that your hand hurts from massaging her back, try to imagine what it would feel like to be kicked in the gonads every three minutes for 24 hours, and that while all of this is happening you will also be expected to squeeze a mini-watermelon out of your butt. That hand of yours? Doesn’t seem so bad right now, does it?
“Holding in there” https://t.co/M6PiVrThGY
— Robbie Williams (@robbiewilliams) October 27, 2014
2. Don’t appear disinterested. Don’t tell her you are bored. Don’t tell her to hurry up. Don’t tell her that she needs to wrap this up before 5pm so you can go home and catch the second half of the footy. Don’t fall asleep. If you fall asleep, make it a quick REM cycle and try not to snore. If you have to play Candy Crush on your phone, the least you can do is switch off your game notifications, because if you don’t you’ll never see rage like that again in your life. Feel free to slink into the corner and watch TV, but don’t enthuse about that elegant Michael Clarke cover-drive and expect her to show her appreciation. She won’t care. She wouldn’t care if Don Bradman himself rose from the dead, strode into the maternity suite and smacked a few balls around the room before delivering the baby himself. 3. Don’t publicise her private struggle. Do not tweet your way through her labour. Do not post pictures of the baby crowning, using the hashtag #downatthebusinessend. She doesn’t need you cracking jokes about her involuntary bowel movement on Facebook or posting images of the gleaming afterbirth on Instagram. She doesn’t need to star in her own series of YouTube videos, with separate tutorials dedicated to episiotomies, internal examinations and third-degree tears. She just needs to get this baby out without the rest of the world hearing about her nether-regions, and no amount of social media “likes” will help get her over the line.