We’re all adults here.
If you are not an adult please go and watch Peppa Pig or something because sh*t (quite literally) is about to get real.
And sometimes, we just need to talk about rim jobs.
Anilingus. Butt licking. Ass hoover. Brown lips. Rusty harmonica. Tropical Wind. The Dirty Bubbler. Justin Rimberlake. Call it what you will, but it basically means doing a lick of another human’s butt hole. And it’s all the rage at the moment.
It’s probably a little bit to do with porn, and a little bit to do with people being more willing to openly discuss their sexual proclivities.
We have compiled three of the worst, most confronting rim job horror stories we’ve ever heard, for you to think about everyday for the rest of your life.
1. When a rim job ends in an argument
No one wants to get into an argument while naked. You at least want the opportunity to put some clothes on before you yell at each other.
Well, Brad* was not quite so lucky.
In his first year of uni he was over at a girl’s house and they started kissing.
It was all very nice, and before long they started performing oral sex on each other. Then, suddenly, he told Mamamia “she put her fingertip in my ass”.
LISTEN: On the Prude and the Porn Star, Carla and Madison tell you everything you need to know about anal sex. Post continues below.
Brad continues, “I tried to move her hand away, because I hadn’t been home to shower that day and I felt really self-conscious.”
But his woman-friend was very persistent.
They got more and more into it, and next minute, the woman had rolled him over and was licking his anus.
There was, however, a problem.
After only a few seconds, she stopped and ran straight to the bathroom.
She had, it would seem, consumed some faecal matter, and was heaving.
When she reemerged, she reprimanded Brad for not having “cleaned himself” more thoroughly before coming over, and “letting [her] do that,” if he knew he hadn’t even “wiped properly”.
Brad, understandably, was humiliated and left. They have not spoken since, and definitely are not Facebook friends.
2. "I gave a rim job and got a parasite"
Jarrod's* post on a college forum in the US about contracting a parasite from a rim job went viral... obviously.
He met a guy on Grindr and everything was going swimmingly.
"When I first put my tongue in his ass hole, I tasted a little bit of shit residue (and that's all it was - this guy wasn't dirty or anything, there was just a whisper of the taste of faeces), and I decided to proceed with this rim job. The rest of the night went very well, we both came, and he went home."
But alas, that was not all.
A few days later, Jarrod decided to floss. He writes that the particles that came out from between his teeth "smelled and tasted like faecal matter". A few days later, his stomach started feeling queasy all the time.
Things continued to get worse. He was struck with a terrible bout of diarrhoea and intense stomach pains.
Eventually, Jarrod ended up in the emergency room, and was diagnosed with a goddamn parasite. When he spoke to his friends, some of them had experiences the same thing. "Rim jobs," he warns, "are apparently a very common way to ingest parasites."
3. "I farted... and it smelt"
It took months for Charlotte's boyfriend of two years to talk her into the whole rim job thing.
When he finally did it, she told Mamamia, "I was absurdly clean... I had washed that orifice like I had never washed anything before."
She was extremely anxious at first, but eventually began to relax.
Her boyfriend was giving her a rim job while using a vibrator on her clitoris, and she could feel she was about to orgasm.
"And that's when I farted," she told Mamamia.
Her body relaxed so much, that an audible fart escaped from her butt hole.
"It smelt... like really bad," she said, and the whole ordeal ended with her in the bathroom in tears, yelling at him to leave her alone.
She said that they still laugh about it, years later, but she never let him give her a rim job again.