health

"I just found out I've been sneezing the wrong way my entire life."

How was your week? Good? Tiring? Nondescript?

Well, mine was horrifying. And all because I was sneeze shamed by my doctor.

Yep, that’s right. I was told on Monday – after decades on this planet – that I have been sneezing incorrectly my entire bloody life.

While the memo about le new age sneeze was apparently passed around yonks ago, I have been a-choo-ing like a neanderthal, unaware I was being judged by healthcare professionals and loved ones alike.

Nobody bothered to tell me. Clearly, nobody knew my ‘wrong’ sneezing technique would cause ‘I want to die’ levels of embarrassment in a doctor’s office at 23 years of age.

You see when I sneeze, I cover my mouth with both hands. Like my mother and kindergarten teacher, the Teletubbies, and everyone everywhere did.

I have since learned this is a cardinal sin – because you are not supposed to sneeze into your palms at all.

“No, no,” my doctor informed me. “You must sneeze into your upper sleeve.”

There was even an instructional laminated sign.
ADVERTISEMENT

Five days later, my life is still flashing before my eyes.

When... did this... become... a thing?

My upper sleeve? Won't that make it looking like I'm "dabbing" like every millennial dude is doing all over the internet right now? Isn't this way of sneezing kind of... a hazard to the people around me?

Say g'day to the correct-and-acceptable sneeze, you guys.

I understand it's designed to stop the spread of germs via hands etc etc etc BUT HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS?

Somebody please tell me I am not the only one, because everyone at Mamamia assures me I am.

I am sad. I am scared. I am terrified I won't get the new technique right the next time I sneeze, and accidentally knock an innocent bystander out.

I am officially a danger to those within a two-metre radius.

Help me.

Were you also left out of the 'there's a new way to sneeze' memo?