Guys, it’s 2017 and you know what that means?
It’s Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian time.
But turn that frown upside down, because the premiere episode has aired and it’s… no sorry, there’s no way to sugarcoat this, it’s as depressing as it sounds.
And the reviews pouring in online have not been kind.
As the title suggests, the show centres on the completely absurd and unhealthy premise of getting back at someone who hurt you by changing your body shape. Because what other people think is of utmost importance.
The first episode kicked off with contestants Stephanie Perez and Will Ontiveros, who take turns opening up to the 32-year-old Kardashian sister about their reasons for signing up for the program.
Will is keen to exact revenge on his charming ex who broke up with him over his appearance. He hopes to win him back by losing weight.
As he explains all of this to Khloe, we have trouble working out if there is even an ounce of sympathy on her face. She only just manages to squint her eyes and utter a ‘mmmm’. Well done.
As their conversation continues, Khloe tries to relate to Will’s struggle with his confidence. Apparently the best way to do that is to describe the times she felt better about herself when her sister Kim Kardashian West felt worthless after breaking up with her boyfriends.
“It always used to make me feel a little good. ‘Well if Kim feels that way then I’m okay that I feel that way’,” Khloe tells Will.
“I feel great just hearing that,” Will responds.
Khloe adds: “I used to be like ‘I’m sorry you’re not feeling well Kim – but YES, I know I’m not alone’.”
Just, lovely. How to fix your self-esteem? Find someone who feels shitty and watch yourself feel miraculously better. For about a tenth of a second. Perfect advice.
When we meet Stephanie, she tells us she was labelled the “fat friend” by her former bestie.
“So do you want revenge on her?” Khloe probes.
“100 per cent,” Stephanie replies. “I’m really just tired of how bad I’m feeling inside and I don’t want to feel like that anymore.”
Do you want to scream? Same.
This psychology is just too warped.
At one point, Stephanie says one of the first things she wants to change about her body are her nails and skin.
Khloe blesses her with another nugget of wisdom.
"That stuff is all fixable. I have access to the best dermatologists, literally I feel like they have a magic wand and they can fix your face."
..... What the f-ck is happening?
So Stephanie and Will embark on their "revenge body" journey and by the end, yes, they lose some weight. And they seem pleased.
I mean, Will is so stoked with the changes that he is "OBSESSED with the way I look". Ahhh, the ole self-obsession. Which usually can only lead to one destination: more mental hardship.
Meanwhile, Stephanie confronts her former friend and asks her to accept her back: "I really would like to be your friend again.. as long as you treat me how I want to be treated."
And guess who was right beside them for the big reveal?
Well basically everyone.
But... Wait... Where is Khloe? Khloeeeeeeeeee?
Nope. Not there.
You'd think that after opening up their hearts to her, she'd make an appearance for their big moment. On her own darn show.
But she has better things to do.
It's only been one episode, but so far the predictions have been right: the premiere did not even try to pretend. It cares only about the superficial, and apparently does not give two shits about promoting self-acceptance, nor fostering what makes each individual an amazing human being.
Revenge Body with Kim Kardashian airs in Australia on Fridays at 9.30pm on E!.