My house is haunted and I don’t believe in ghosts.
I used to joke about it. I used to blame “the ghost” when things went missing or suddenly broke. I even used to chat to it. I’d pick at chicken in the fridge door and explain why it was okay for me to be eating at midnight.
“Hello ghost,” I would say. “I had a really light lunch so…”
But ever since my mother gave me this new painting… things have gotten weird. Paranormal Activity level weird.
I decided I needed to do something. I needed to get rid of the ghost.
HOW TO GET RID OF A GHOST THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IS REALLY A GHOST.
Step One: Remove All Spooky Objects.
The painting was the first thing to go. I banished it... or I told mum it was freaky as all hell and she took it away. Case closed.
I also threw out the earring my ex-girlfriend left at my house. I literally threw it out my window. My neighbour, standing downstairs, yelped when I did it.
I didn't check to see if it hit him. Case (and window) closed.
Except the hauntings continued....
Step Two: Ask Google What To Do.
Google instantly believed that I had a ghost. I asked her if they were real and she said yes. I asked her if she had proof and she said yes. FACT.
Google sent me to a Wikihow article on how to remove ghosts. I trusted Wikihow. Wikihow taught me how to remove stains in carpet (soda water).
Mamamia once went on a ghost tour. We even caught a live one.