'I'm estranged from my son and grandchildren. I blame my daughter-in-law.'

This is not a situation I want to be in and I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. I'm estranged from my son, his wife and my two young grandchildren. I'm unable to do or say anything without being told that I'm in the wrong. My daughter-in-law deliberately misconstrues everything I say or do so I can be perceived as the villain. I will always love my son and have tried to be the best parent I could be with the knowledge I had at the time. My son is a grown man in his thirties.

I don’t feel comfortable in my daughter-in-law’s presence as I feel I am being judged and found lacking. I actually shut down and don’t want to say very much at all because whatever I do say gets turned around and is used to justify how I am treated. 

They don’t consider or acknowledge what their behaviour is doing to me and my husband and it’s causing considerable distress and emotional trauma. I'm a human being with feelings, emotions and flaws.

Here's an example of one of the messages I've received from my daughter-in-law. 

"I could go on for months about the neglect we’ve felt from you and your husband over the years but I know you are aware as this has been brought to your attention on two other occasions. Figure it out, stop with the manipulating, neglectful behaviour, be a mother that he desperately wants and needs or leave him completely alone."

The type of relationship my daughter-in-law is referring to is one where she is in total control of any contact between my adult son and us. My son has never indicated or asked for a closer relationship with me. I have tried in the past but to be shut down and laughed at when you try to explain or want to discuss anything is extremely hurtful. From the very beginning it was obvious that my daughter-in-law didn’t want a relationship with me. I'm not allowed into their lives or my grandchildren’s lives. The only way I can contact them is by mail. As my daughter-in-law has blocked me on socials and mobile.

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I sent presents to my grandchildren and a handwritten letter and card addressed to my son for Christmas. I very much doubt my son even read the letter, it would have been opened and read by my daughter-in-law first, but I sent it anyway, in the hope he might contact me after reading it.

His family is now her family. There isn’t room for anyone else. I have never been able to visit them without making a prearranged time and day and usually, I am told they have plans so I can't visit. I do understand if they have plans, but not nearly every time we try to visit. It's a totally different story for her family who are able to visit anytime they want to. My daughter-in-law has never once come to our family Christmas as they go to her family every year. 

My daughter-in-law has said that I don’t send or give my grandchildren their presents on time. It’s because I originally thought that I could visit and give them their presents in person, but due to not being able to visit I end up posting them and then I am criticised for the presents being late.

My daughter-in-law has also said: "You know what you have done."

But I don’t know, I just don’t fully understand. I can't face being knocked down every time I try anymore. 

We don’t live in the same world. There are always two sides to a story and I can’t express how I feel or explain anything as it always comes back to me being accused of acting as a victim due to not behaving or doing what my daughter-in-law wants. I can’t be anything else than myself, my authentic self. I am often awkward and different but it’s me. I'm not a manipulative person and my daughter-in-law doesn't know me at all. 

I have come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what I say or do, it will never be good enough. My daughter-in-law has what she wanted all along and that is, to cut myself and my husband out of their lives. We have differing opinions, beliefs and cultures and she cannot accept any view or way of being that doesn’t align with hers. Everyone has to act and behave as my daughter-in-law and son do now. I try to accept people as they are, not what I want them to be.

I will continue to grieve the loss and love my son, grandchildren and my daughter-in-law from afar. From a safe place.

Feature Image: Getty.

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