I only live life a little bit. Not to the fullest, not with gusto and excitement. I live a life that I never planned for. I have a beautiful caring loving husband and two beautiful daughters, but they only get a little bit of me and this is not what I planned.
I did all the things that every young women does. Finished school, went to university, got a great job and traveled the world. But I couldn’t work out why I never had as much energy as everyone else. I was always tired. Then in 1998 something weird happened. I got a severe ear infection. I’d never had one in my life and the pain was horrendous. I was treated with antibiotics and steroids. But then it got stranger still, that year I had another four ear infections. Three years and 15 ear infections later, I saw an ear nose and throat specialist, but he could find no reason why I kept getting infections.
So I carried on, but just didn’t feel “normal”. Over the next ten years I had up to 50 ear infections and the infections were so bad that I was hospitalised on 3 occasions. I felt tired, had joint pains and just felt useless. I had my daughters by this stage and I couldn’t keep up with caring for them. I thought I was pathetic and lazy. Doctors handed me out antidepressants because they said I was stressed. One doctor told me I was having panic attacks. I had never had one in my life. I thought I was crazy and that the doctors thought I was wasting their time. Neurologists, rheumatologists, endocrinologists and ear nose and throat doctors dismissed me. Very few listened to me and very few spent more than 15 minutes examining me.
My health really started to decline in 2011. I started to get awful pains in my knees and feet and found it hard to walk. All this time, doctors told me I was fine. So I kept telling myself I was useless as a wife and mother. I can’t get through a day without having to rest. I tried to be the mother I imagined I would be, taking the kids to the park, going to mothers groups, hosting BBQ’s. In the end I couldn’t do those things. I felt a failure and I became isolated.