We lost you today.
On my way to the scan I allowed myself to be a little excited to see our precious baby’s heartbeat. I hadn’t let myself feel a lot of excitement in the past because so far finding out we were pregnant was just too much happiness to feel all at once. I absolutely believed you would be a reality for us, but to feel that in my heart was just too much of a risk to take after so many setbacks.
Over the last few days though, happy was beginning to infiltrate. So much so Dad and I told your Grandma’s, Pop, Aunt’s and Uncle’s that you were on your way to us. To see your family burst with love spelled the end of my heart.
Telling them meant it was real. It meant you were now in my heart, body and soul… and theirs. Everything I did was for you. I hope you heard me tell you every day that ‘you are healthy, you are loved and you are wanted’. You still are.
I could tell the sonographer couldn’t find your heartbeat. I had told her before even laying down that I was looking forward to seeing the heartbeat again. She was hovering over the same spot…. almost waiting, or maybe putting off the inevitable.
I kept thinking ‘whilst you’re looking I’m still pregnant’. I didn’t want her to look at me because I didn’t want to see another face full of sorrow for me.
She took the wand off my belly, took a breath and said ‘I can’t find a heartbeat; I’m going to get a Dr for a second opinion’.
I didn’t dare look to see the sorry face. I prayed in that room. I begged for you not to be taken from me. I promised to do whatever it took but please just let me keep our baby. In hindsight it turns out I was all alone in that room.
The Dr said that the pregnancy had no chance of continuing. She asked if I wanted to see the sonagraph screen and yes of course I wanted to see you! There you were. The most beautiful outline of an angel I ever saw. I was so happy to see you.