Things no one told me about breastfeeding: (in no particular order)
1. Your areolas, those brown things on your boobs (not a type of pasta as I initially thought) grow to the size of a discus plate, and become very dark. Some people told me it’s so your baby can find your nipples. Well, let me tell you, with mine every baby on the planet could find them. They were a satellite dish on their own.
2. Milk doesn’t just squirt from one hole. There’s multiple holes and you really become the Trevi fountain. My discus areolas also had their own holes… yep milk holes around the nipple. it was very weird and even weirder when the midwife told the other midwives to come and look at my lactating discuses.
3. Letdowns feel weird. I remember when it happened I was screaming, thinking wait - why do I have pins and needles?? And then bang... Trevi fountain.
4. Babies don't like letdowns all that much, and seem to pull off in that exact moment and you end up spraying their face like a hose. "Ohhh sorry baby!" And then I'd rub it in their face, because it's got all that good in it.
5. Them boobies leak. They leak at the best time, but don't look at any babies unless you got some good breast pads on.
6. You can get thrush in your nipples. Try and explain that to a pharmacist who has no idea about breastfeeding and asks you if you're lost. "Here, let me take you home honey." There's some weird blue stuff you put in your child's mouth for thrush that makes it look like you negligently let them suck on a texta.
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7. Your wardrobe comes based on how easily you can whip it out and feed. I may have cut some holes in tops... no biggy.
8. You will practice telling strangers off in your head if they say anything about your right to breastfeed in public. Get ready to have it squeezed in your face, MATE.
9. Ummmm mastitis. What. The. F**k. Felt like I had mad cow disease. Bleh *shiver*
10. You don't always lose weight... I was promised this. Like, really promised this, but then I was so hungry I ate the equivalent of what a full grown elephant eats every day, and nothing could satisfy me. Great.
11. It's hard. Not everyone can do it, okay? And I can see why... it's a really hard job. So back off, and refer to number 8.
12. Niplash. Niplash is when the baby thinks it's cool to look around while still attached to you and you never knew those nipples could stretch and become a bungee jumping cord. *shiver*
13. People will ask you "are you STILLLLL breastfeeding?" Yes I'm "STILL Breastfeeding Cheryl, my baby is two hours old... shut up".
14. Hell hath no fury like a woman who's partner has accidentally brushed against her nipples. I will taser you, okay husband? Don't even breathe in their direction.
15. One breast will forever be engorged and the other will be the 'sad boob' as I like to call it, because your baby only likes that side no matter how much you start them on the other side and pump and pump and pump and only get a lousy 5mls (which is not an indicator of supply btw). Even though you sing to it, it just doesn't want to grow. Phew... yeah.
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Too much noise and not enough time?