lifestyle

Realistic secret single behaviours: Ain't none of these on Carrie Bradshaw's list.

This is me. And my leg hair situation is out of control.

Last night, when I got out of the shower, I realised that I had allowed the hair on my legs to grow so long that my towel alone was not enough to dry them.

That was how I found myself, at 11:45pm, standing completely naked in the middle of my room while I bent over and blow-dried my legs.

I think we can all agree that exact moment was the peak of my ‘sexy’ single life.

It reminded me of that episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie Bradshaw writes about her ‘Secret Single Behaviours’. Carrie’s biggest secret single thing was standing in her kitchen once a month, while she put jam on crackers and read Vogue from start to finish (GASP! SHAME!)

Now, Sex and the City is hardly a realistic marker of single life, but as I stood in my room, hairdryer in hand and freshly dried legs, I realised that Carrie and Co. had completely messed up the concept of Secret Single Behaviours. Standing in the kitchen reading Vogue and eating crackers sounds so freaking classy I think I’d even do it with people over.

Which got me to thinking:

Do glossy ‘Secret Single Behaviours’ even exist? Isn’t it time we talk about our ‘Realistic Secret Single Behaviours’?

The end-game of my sexy single life was me holding a hairdryer to my legs, while I wondered if my new-found trick would also save me from having to do that butt-floss manoeuvre with my towel (it did). I sure as hell have never mopped the house while wearing undies and a cropped tee – a cute little blob of bubbles perfectly positioned on my carefree nose while I sing along to Katy Perry (any movie with a single lady in it ever).

Swap the cocktail glass for a bottle of Passion Pop with a straw and you’re getting warmer.

I have sat on the couch in my undies, drinking wine straight from the bottle while I wipe my potato gem fingers on my boob.

That’s one of the bonuses of being single – you get to behave in ways that other people can only dream of, and all in total secret. It’s amazing, and one of the only things that can be rubbed in the faces of coupled-up friends.

Some of my Realistic Secret Single Behaviours include:

– Taking my laptop to the toilet so I can keep watching TV while I do my business.

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– Using leftover paper plates and plastic cutlery for three weeks because I couldn’t be bothered doing any dishes. It was quite possibly the best three weeks of my life.

– Drinking Passion Pop because I know that nobody will ever know. I usually tell the bottle shop guy that I’m ‘just using it as a sweet base for punch’. For that party I’m having. With myself. In my bed.

– Using my oven exclusively to heat up towels and pants.

– Sometimes, if I’m desperate and there are no clean ones in the house, I’ll turn a pair of undies inside out and just wear those.

The perfect clothesline.

– ‘Airdrying’ after a shower. That basically means I just wrap a towel around my head and walk around naked for an hour.

– Opening my computer to a word document, telling myself that I’m working, then spending 7 hours down an internet rabbit hole that ends at the Wikipedia page for that kid who played Rufio in Hook.

– Putting a bottle of vodka, a bottle of lemonade and a glass on my bedside table, so that I can refill as required without having to get out of bed. I’ve also been known to attach two straws to each other so that they are the right length for a bottle of wine.

– Using my treadmill as a clothesline.

– Spending an embarrassing amount of time looking at wedding dresses and engagement rings on Pinterest, which I then put into a folder on my computer labelled ‘Rosie Work Invoices’.

– Drinking wine in the bath.

– I realise a lot of these are wine related.

– Wine.

So those are my RSSBs. And while the secret ‘wedding’ ‘invoice’ folder on my computer indicates that I’d like to pair-up at some point, I’ll always miss the days when I could let the my leg hair grow so long, it needed to be blow-dried.


What are your REAL secret single behaviours? And if you say reading Vogue in the kitchen in your lingerie, we will come after you. Agreed?

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