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Real Housewives of Sydney: Lisa Oldfield feels like a "failure as a mother and a wife".

So Oh. Nicole’s pretending to make a cake. Like a real Real Housewife.

She’s planning on having Lisa and Athena X over, and for a moment, we almost forgot that last week Athena reprimanded Matty about her face, and called her ‘Miss Botox.’

That was… rude.

Listen to Josh Britt, Jessie Stephens and Jo Abi recap The Real Housewives of Sydney. Post continues below. 

It becomes clear that this little catch up is completely designed around the fact that the producers want Athena to apologise. So there can be more arguing, pls. And Lisa and Nicole intend to force her to do so.

Meanwhile, Melissa is meeting with the director of her feature film ‘Boar’ about a killer pig, which sounds like the best film ever made.

Matty comes over and watches a few scenes. She offers her expert opinion, insisting a killer pig is a “smart concept”. Jesus.

What the actual fuck is that.

It becomes clear that Matty doesn't completely understand the conventions of conversation, as she says to Melissa; "Being in this industry hasn't always been easy?" which sounds far more like a statement than a question.

Melissa's like... "errrr, no," and we can't remember any point at which it was established that these two are friends. Whatever.

Back at Nicole's, Athena's arrived, and Lisa asks how she's holding up after Victoria's lunch. She says she's "over" how everyone has been badgering her about her spirituality. "Really," she says, "I haven't said anything."

This is the same woman who's said 'namaste' upwards of a hundred times, and ended last episode by screaming indiscriminately, "I NEVER SAID I WAS BUDDHA."

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Sweetie. Pls.

Nicole reminds her that, um, spirituality is all she talks about, and Athena responds by talking about spirituality.

Lisa says, "all I wish, is maybe you wouldn't speak so much." Athena agrees. She likes Lisa. It's not clear why.

Krissy and Victoria are having champagne, and Victoria says she's found a private investigator to find her father. This is a strange sub-plot in contrast with Lisa telling her son he's a "dickhead" and Athena's family thinking her art is a joke. It's far too... serious.

Oh no. Speaking of art. Athena has an appointment with an art dealer and this isn't a thing that should be happening. She says the last meeting didn't go as planned. That's probably got something to do with the quality of her art.

Athena thinks it would be a huge loss for humanity to not be able to see her work. We very much disagree.

Gallery owner Tim Olsen somehow got roped into this scene and we're very sorry. After looking at Athena's canvas he says "oh, is that part of it?" and that's not something you ever want an art critic to say about your work.

What the fuck is this...
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He is referring to the bizarre piece of cloth that is draped over just some of the painting. It literally looks like some rogue material in her car accidentally got stuck to the painting and she forgot to take it off. It's... ridiculous.

But Athena insists that she is 100 years in the future, and therefore things don't always make sense. She says something about astro-travelling and seeing things from other dimensions, and frankly if her artwork is what "other dimensions" look like we want precisely nothing to do with  them.

She threatens to murder Olsen in his sleep, and eventually he says something about how she's allowed to have her friends look at her art (??) but he doesn't want to damage his reputation. It's unclear where or when this will take place, but Athena seems bizarrely pleased.

Oh FFS.

It would appear that every housewife has their own complication, you see. Athena's is that she can't paint for sh*t yet insists on doing it.

Lisa's is that she's married to David Oldfield.

At her house, she's invited people over for her and her husband to fight in front of. David keeps having a go at her for leaving the snake's cage open and the garage open and not closing her car doors, but ugh. Life involves closing so many things - it's overwhelming.

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Why did you invite me here just to fight in front of me.

Meanwhile, Nicole's looking for a house with a non-existent budget, and according to Krissy, she's very "pacific" about what she wants. Watching her house hunt is obscene and frankly quite depressing.

OH ATHENA'S HAVING A GREEK THEMED PARTY.

It's her 41st, and she's going to invite these 'bitches' to come celebrate. What kind of spiritual person refers to women as bitches? Eh, whatever. She's wearing a white cape.

She says she's a "superhero, down deep" and the bad grammar in this show is actually making us dumber.

Matty decides to discuss the prospect of going to Athena's with her husband, and it's the most uncomfortable conversation we've ever witnessed. She keeps... interrupting him whenever he tries to speak. And then she commends him for being so logical and helpful.

Eventually, the girls start arriving at Athena's party. Victoria's bought her a Buddha's head, and we can't tell whether she's being mean or nice. Probably both. Lisa is going to host Athena and her husband at her villa in Fiji. Jesus.

Everyone starts to wonder where Matty is, and Athena says she tried to call her and apologise. Melissa and Krissy call Matty and discover ATHENA HAS NOT BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH. It's at this point Melissa decides she's going to start a fight. She hasn't started one yet. She's bored.

I don't get it.
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Lisa decides everyone's full of sh*t, and asks Victoria to have a chat. It's strange because they're not friends and have only ever hated each other in this show so far. Lisa says she loves her boys and her house and her job, but hates "the mongrel I'm living with."

Um, that's a huge deal.

She then tells Victoria, "I feel like I'm a failure as a mother and a wife," and breaks down in tears. Well, goodness. That's an intense thing to tell a stranger.

Victoria basically hands her the card of her divorce lawyer and says GTFO. Lisa appreciates it.

Back with the gals, they're yelling things at each other in what may or may not be in English. Melissa confronts Athena about failing to call Matty, and we just feel like issuing a very important public service announcement: If you do not like someone, you do not have to be their friend. 

It is clear these women don't like each other, and that's okay. But they need to... not spend every waking moment together. And that would probably help.

Athena continues to lie and say she did call her, and then reads out her texts which is extremely interesting for a) the entire party and b) the nation at large.

Eventually they get over it because Athena starts screaming "LIVE IN THE MOMENT", and starts Greek dancing. A wide angle shot reveals that indeed the only people in attendance at Athena's birthday party are these five women, who may or may not actually like Athena, and the hospitality staff.

It's a 41st birthday party to remember.

Until next week!

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