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The Real Housewives of Sydney recap: You don't ever call a woman fat.

Okay, no.

A historical moment has just occurred on Australian television and we obviously need to talk about it.

Sydney might have a big bridge, the Opera House, etc. bla bla, but as everyone knows, you’re not a real city until you have your own Housewives franchise. That is a scientific fact.

Listen to The Recap, the podcast to listen to after you’ve watched The Real Housewives of Sydney.

Sydney is now officially on the map – and the low key suburbs of Double Bay, Bellevue Hill and Bondi have finally made a name for themselves.

Did we need these women in our lives? Absolutely not. Are they representative of everything that is wrong with consumerist, capitalist and patriarchal society? Oh goodness, yes. Will we be watching this entire season with shame but also more importantly with delight? AHUH YEP DEFINITELY, MHMM.

WOOOOOHOOOO. Image via Giphy.

We begin with Krissy, who lives in Double Bay, which she humbly describes as "ridiculously expensive."

Cool.

She runs a "really successful" real estate agency, and has been living in Shanghai for the last few years. Moments later she says she's a "lady of leisure" and over the next few minutes it becomes increasingly unclear whether she is a) employed, b) successful in her own right, or c) a model/actress/business owner. BUT luckily she tells us she is a trophy wife, so maybe that's what she goes by on LinkedIn.

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Her husband lives in Shanghai which she says isn't "ideal," but we think it also kind of is. They got married when she was 33 and now have two children. She jokes about once considering adopting Columbian kids because they have the same colour skin as her, but... Krissy. That's just a very expensive fake tan. Also the concept of Columbian orphans isn't that funny but whatever.

She says she has had a few nose jobs, and then jokes that everything else is real. But we can't tell. Because her face doesn't convey sarcasm. So she has to explicitly say she is being sarcastic, which sort of completely defeats the purpose.

"Haha lol."

Next we meet Victoria, who's friends with Krissy because their kids go to school together. Within seconds they're laughing about "swinging dicks," and we don't fully understand but that's okay.

"I did a wee in the nude in front of her the other day. We're really close," Victoria says, which is officially the best way to describe your familiarity with another human.

She's an investor in a business called 'Wrinkle Schminkles' which sounds 100 per cent made up.

Furthermore, she doesn't wash her own hair because of privilege etc., and says she "loves a Hermes Birkin".

Okay, no.

You can't just own multiple Birkins. THERE ARE PPL STARVING IN THE WORLD, VICTORIA. PLS.

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"Please, look at my wealth."

Her handbag collection is literally worth more than both of our lives.

She's been married twice, and found her first husband slept with her best friend while she was downstairs.

Anywho, Krissy and Victoria are meeting up for "lunch" otherwise known as "straight Vodka" at a bar in Coogee, and Krissy's friend Nicole is meeting them.

She says Nicole competed in Miss World, adding "She literally did not eat for days before... she looked unbelievable," and suddenly we all have eating disorders.

Nicole has recently moved to Bellevue Hill after spending the last six years in London. She too has left her husband there, and this is clearly becoming a theme.

She arrives at 'lunch' where there has been ZERO food, and Krissy asks "Do you know Victoria?" which is super weird given she knows she doesn't because they just spoke about it for 15 minutes...

Nicole gets nervous and starts talking about how often she flies first class, because that is a really interesting point of conversation. "1A is the seat to have!" she adds which is awkward because we didn't know there was a 1A. We thought seating started at 28D.

"HOW FUN ARE MY STORIES."
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BUT Nicole is up for Parent of the Year because when they fly, she walks her two daughters through the rest of the plane so they can look at how uncomfortable the plebeians are, before returning to First Class and scrubbing their bodies clean of poverty. 

There is already tension. Victoria says of Nicole, "She talked about money a lot... very different from me", which is interesting given only moments ago she was laying out all her Birkins on her million dollar bed.

Nicole then invites them to her coming home party, where Lisa Oldfield and Athena X Lavendi will be joining them. Victoria laughs that Lisa's husband slept with Pauline Hanson, and that Athena is "jatz crackers". What is even going on anymore.

Next we meet Matty. She describes herself as "successful and beautiful," and owns a Medispa, which has something to do with plastic surgery.

HI.
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Matty is Persian, and has two kids. Okay, great.

She meets up with Lisa Oldfield at her clinic in Double Bay, who also finds getting your face and/or body permanently altered to be a fun weekend bonding activity. We prefer brunch but each to their own.

Lisa has enjoyed a successful career in 'Mergers and acquisitions in information technology' and we have absolutely no idea what that means but it sounds important. Other than her face, Lisa's hobbies include shooting. Within moments it becomes abundantly clear that no part of us trusts Lisa Oldfield with a gun.

She has two sons with her husband David, who was part of the One Nation party with Pauline Hanson.

Lisa says that her worst trait would be her temper, but we have no idea what she's talking about. On an unrelated note, she yells at her son "PAT THE SNAKE OR I'LL SMACK YOU," and while filming she hears someone drop something and screams "F*CKING SHUT UP YOU C***." Cool.

EUGH.
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In the spa, Matty and Lisa call Nicole, and Nicole repeats everything Victoria said about her at lunch, especially the part about Lisa's husband sleeping with Pauline Hanson. Lisa is clearly annoyed AND THE DRAMA HAS BEGUN GOODNESS GRACIOUS WE ARE RUBBING OUR HANDS TOGETHER IN EXCITEMENT.

"People shouldn't really bring it up, it's inappropriate," Matty says. Seven seconds pass and then she says, "So what happened?" and it's the greatest moment so far.

Just when we thought this episode couldn't get any better, we meet Athena X Levendi, and suddenly nothing but also everything makes sense.

There's a Greek saying, she explains, "If you don't love your home the bricks will fall and hit you on your head," and then she laughs and laughs before declaring that she doesn't understand what it means.

"Heheh I don't understand hehe."

Athena has three kids, loves god (not sure which one/s) and studies art at the National Art School. She loves painting and says, "god filters through my thoughts and hand," which is honestly extremely offensive to god.

Guys, she... her paintings... aren't great. There are a lot of shapes that don't totally make sense and let's just say that none of her artworks are displayed around the house. She is very much locked inside her painting room by the rest of her family.

Athena then adds that she doesn't take herself that seriously, even though only moments ago she was talking about how she's had multiple lives and described her husband as a "light being".

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"I know right."

Our final housewife is Melissa from the northern beaches. She's been acting, singing and modelling for "going on 38 years now," which is frankly absurd given that she can't be older than 25.

She had a number one single and won an Aria award, and is still pursuing her music career. But she's gone with an "independent producer," and, you guys, she hates him.

He says the buttons are overwhelming and no one has ever been as stressed as this man who somehow ended up in a music studio with no knowledge of what he should be doing.

Someone needs to help him. He's going to break something.

"I don't know how to help you."
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Melissa has two kids and is addicted to shoes. FIN.

Everyone's getting ready to go to Nicole's party, and Victoria's bitching to her hairdresser about how Nicole said she shows her kids through the economy section of the plane "like they're refugees."

Meanwhile, Athena has put a literal fishing net over her dress and is arguing with her husband about it being 'avant-garde.'

We like this show already.

As Nicole arrives at her venue, she throws terms around like 'open bar' and 'service' to show she's planning the event.

Lisa and Matty get in the car with Athena and OH WHAT THE HELL WE THOUGHT THE CAPE WAS ACTUALLY A JOKE. Athena, please. You look like a fish caught in a net because you're wearing a fishing net.

Everyone's mean about Athena's fishing net, and no one can stop calling Victoria an "older lady," which is meant to sound respectful, but most definitely is not. Athena very earnestly tells the others that she's heard Victoria used to be a "fat little girl," which seems rather... irrelevant?

Moments into the party, Athena is giving Nicole 'namaste' which may or may not make grammatical sense.

"I have some. I give some to you."
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Nicole makes a speech, thanking everyone for attending, and then Lisa starts to say a few words about how two of the most remarkable people she's ever met are Nicole's parents. As she's saying she misses Nicole's late father every day, Krissy interrupts her to say "don't make anyone cry!" and Lisa... loses her sh*t.

She calls Krissy 'Chewbacca,' and tells her to shut up, because that's an appropriate way to deal with someone momentarily interrupting you.

Victoria and Krissy go to the bar to bitch about literally everything that's happened so far, including but not limited to Athena's fishing net and Lisa calling Krissy Chewbacca.

When they come back to rejoin the conversation, Athena has another go at explaining the idea behind 'namaste (??),' but she can sense that Krissy's enthusiasm about it is condescending, probably because it is, 100 per cent, absolutely condescending.

Krissy continues to be insincere, telling Athena she just wants to "understand" her spirituality, and then Victoria jumps in and tells Athena it's really "a bit much."

WHAT EVEN IS NAMASTE.

Excuse us, but pls don't insult Athena's god, whoever that is.

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BUT THEN the subject of Victoria allegedly being a "fat little girl" is brought up in front of the entire group by Matty because, and we quote, she's "all about empowering women." Ahhh yes, she thinks it's very bad when women talk about each other's weight, so she thinks it's important she tells Victoria what Athena said about her weight. It's simply something she must know.

Krissy is horrified, and says it's completely unacceptable to EVER bring up another woman's weight.

In between shaking her head and tutting she says, "Well, you did put on a few kilos lately..." but you mustn't ever bring up another woman's weight, but yeah, she does want Victoria to know that she put on a couple of kilos.

WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

Krissy then tries to lecture Athena on being a good person, and Athena just loses it. She's like "you know what SHUT UP" and these women hate each other far too much for people who literally met an hour ago.

SHUT UP YOU SLAG.

Athena turns to Victoria and says, "What are you offended about? That you were a fat little girl when you were little? Isn't that the reality?" THIS IS A WOMAN WHO WAS SAYING NAMASTE LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

Somehow everyone chills out and decides they will try to be friends for Nicole, because it's her party.

Victoria smiles at Athena and asks if she can try on her fishing net cape.

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Athena, thinking all the animosity is in the past, seems happy that Victoria likes her cape, so she wants to show her how to try it on.

It's obvious something isn't right. As Athena helps her Victoria says "DON'T TOUCH ME" which is a weird thing to say to someone who's lending you a piece of clothing.

But moments later, it all makes sense.

Victoria throws Athena's cape into the ocean, and storms off saying, "you can go and get your f**king cape and I'll speak to you later."

Real classy, Victoria. Real classy.

Athena is not OK. That cape was avant-garde AF.

Walking out of the party, Krissy and Victoria joke about being worried the cape will "choke a dolphin," but it's actually not funny. That thing was legitimately a fishing net and it will kill sea animals.

But the episode wouldn't be over without one more passive aggressive comment from Athena, who says "I'm surprised a woman of her age would act so juvenile."

WE GET IT SHE'S AN OLDER LADY.

We're one hour in and this show is already everything we hoped it would be.

UNTIL NEXT SUNDAY.

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