Oh goodness we’ve been looking forward to Lisa Oldfield calling someone a “slut” for an entire week now.
The ladies are still in the Whitsundays, because sometimes you need to yell at each other with a pretty backdrop, and since last episode, LISA HAS STORMED OFF THE BOAT.
The other women are discussing the fact that they think Lisa lied about almost drowning and being rescued by an obese man and his blow up swan. This quickly turns into a conversation about how Lisa is also lying about wanting to divorce her husband, and how she is generally an attention-seeking/dishonest/evil woman. “When you tell lies, you forget what you’ve said,” explains Victoria, and we feel like she’s a lil bit trying to be Judge Judy.
Meanwhile, Nicole, who also happens to be the most sane out of all the housewives, has had enough of everyone’s sh*t. She’s yelling in defence of Lisa, who she says is in a bad place. Also of note is the fact that Melissa is wearing fake eyelashes. On a boat. On holiday.
Their entire conversation consists of simply yelling over the top of each other. And we love it. What a holiday.
Lisa has returned home, and doesn't even have her feet completely in the door before she starts bitching about how much she hates the women she just went to the Whitsundays with. But soon, it becomes awkward because the whole reason she came home was because of the problems in her marriage. It gets kinda heavy and we miss when everyone was yelling at each other for no reason.
OH Melissa and Athena are having a chat on the boat. QUIET PLS.
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Melissa is clearly uncomfortable because Athena told her that Victoria said she was anorexic, but when she asked Victoria, she denied it. Given that Athena is completely and utterly batsh*t crazy, Melissa has chosen to trust Victoria, and definitely wants Athena to a little bit leave her alone. But Athena won't. Because she gets bored.
Athena starts yelling at Melissa to look her in the eye, which is officially the worst way to convince someone to look you in the eye. Athena says avoiding eye contact means you "have shame," but, um, we're pretty sure someone can just be so annoyed they can't physically look at you.
Melissa yells, "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHERE TO LOOK," which is a very accurate statement. Literally the entire point of this argument is that Athena thinks it's unfair that she wanted Melissa to fight with Victoria and she didn't. Athena goes rogue and calls Victoria a "passive aggressive bully," and then tells Melissa to "LOVE YOURSELF."
"MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF MELISSA."
Omg Athena that's not a nice way to tell someone to love themselves. Seriously.
At Matty's house (everyone's home now, KEEP UP) she's discussing with her children the possibility of getting a DOG. Yes, now these are the conversations we care about. Matty's husband, whose name isn't important, asks, "a dog, what for?" and it's literally the stupidest thing we've ever heard on television.
All of a sudden, with little to no explanation, Matty's family goes from having zero dogs to having seven dogs.
This is stressful. For... reasons. THERE'S A DOG IN A TUTU.
Matty decides that because having seven dogs was stressful, the family cannot get one dog. Her logic is... we can't.
OH IT'S TIME FOR ATHENA'S ART EXHIBITION.
As the women drive to the event, Krissy comments that a couple of her girlfriends have bought Athena's art before. Krissy, babe. Who... who the f*ck are your friends?
They spend the entire ride tearing Athena apart, and just as they arrive, Krissy asks, "So what are we all doing here at Athena X's art exhibition?"
ISN'T THAT THE QUESTION OF THE SERIES, IF NOT THE CENTURY.
Athena introduces the exhibition with a speech, saying "a lot of people think I'm perfect. But I'm not." Thank God she cleared that up.
Melissa isn't coming, because, um, Athena was horrible to her like, yesterday. But Athena is very annoyed. She says Melissa "didn't want to come because it's too advanced for her," and then randomly decides it's important to describe her as a "has been."
The other women start to challenge Athena, and we feel like we've watched this exact scene five times now, mostly because this is episode five of the season. And without Athena X, there is no show.
Nicole insinuates that Athena hasn't made the effort to get to know Melissa/ever listened to anything she's ever said, which Athena resents. Nicole asks if she knows any of Melissa's kids names, to which Athena appropriately responds, "HOW CAN I KNOW SOMEONE'S KIDS IF I'VE NEVER F*CKING MET THEM YOU IDIOT."
Athena, pls. You're in an art gallery.
We don't quite know how to accurately describe what happens next, but the behaviour... it's nothing short of appalling.
Athena starts yelling, "I WEAR NO F*CKING MASKS. I'M FREE. MY TRUTH IS WORTH DEFENDING, NO BIMBO IS GOING TO INTIMIDATE ME." And we don't mean to trivialise mental illness, but Athena needs to be in hospital. She just has a lot of feelings right now and they need to be treated. Medically. In private.
But you know what this night desperately needs? Lisa Oldfield.
As soon as she walks in, Athena says to her, "everyone's been mean to me," and it's hilarious because that simply is not true.
Matty then calls Athena a "dibber dobber" and everyone laughs, but Matty wasn't joking.
But something else is on Lisa's nerves. Namely, Krissy. And her face. Krissy starts speaking and Lisa has HAD IT. "She really is a horrible human being," she says to the camera, which is far nicer than what she actually says to Krissy.
They start looking at Athena's artwork for the first time all night, and all of them are clearly bored AF. So Lisa starts to accuse Krissy of "molesting small waiters."
She then tells the camera, "I'm going to call her what she is. She's a whore, she's a slut, she's a tart, she's a mole. She's a f*cking embarrassment."
She decides this needs to be communicated to Krissy's face, and says, "you're just a skinny chick with a really bad nose job." Krissy admits she's had a nose job, and we just don't think that's the point.
Lisa then delves into a bizarre description of being on an aeroplane and Krissy having to open the door because her vagina smelt. It's unclear whether this story is true. Or why it occurred.
Nicole, the housewife who cares very much about her daughters knowing the difference between washing cashmere and fine silk, says, "I was horrified when Lisa brought up Krissy's smelly parts." Jesus.
None of this is... OK. And now it's the moment we've all been waiting for. Lisa yells at Krissy, "I try to get to know you and all you do is act like a slut."
We just... you can't... can you?
Lisa's having a lot of feelings about her marriage and she's still upset about nearly drowning, and she's definitely, 100 per cent taking it out on Krissy's vagina. Which we understand, but do not condone, or recommend.
Lisa then pushes Matty (no, like physically) and if this hadn't already gone too far, we just straight up witnessed an assault.
None of what just occurred was mildly acceptable.
The episode ends the only way it can - with Krissy crying and saying "we should all be ashamed of ourselves." She also needs a lift home, pls.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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