tv

The Real Housewives of Sydney ended with another physical fight. Also a wedding.

Last week, there was not one single physical altercation and we all felt weird about it.

But tonight is the finale, and the promos have promised us legitimate assault in a public space, which may or may not result in someone being arrested. Someone definitely needs to get arrested.

We begin with Athena undergoing hypnosis to discover who she was in a past life (obviously). “Hypnosis takes you to a place where you are not conscious but also not unconscious,” Athena tells us, and nothing in the universe has ever made less sense than that sentence.

Listen to Jessie Stephens and Josh Britt chat all things Real Housewives on The Recap. Post continues after audio.

Hypnotherapist Kathryn, who makes money off reuniting people with their former selves, does things with crystals/random neon lights etc., until Athena yells, “YUCKOVOS” in an unspecified accent.

In a past life, you see, Athena was a man named Yuckovos. The year was 1793, and he was married to Katia. Katia then ran off with her/his best friend and Athena is holding on to that pain. When asked if that person exists in her present life, Athena says, “O’Niel… Nicole O’Niel,” and wtf is actually going on right now.

They play crazy clown music, because obviously.

She decides not to broach the issue with Nicole, because you cannot sit down with someone and discuss how they f*cked you over in a past life. That is not a thing you can do. It is literally like getting mad at someone because they were a dick to you in your dream last night. 

"I'm very Christian but also believe strongly in reincarnation."
ADVERTISEMENT

Matty decides to catch up with her friend Christa Billich for some champagne at 10am.

Christa has two items on the agenda, a) Matty is invited to her dogs wedding and b) she now has a designer vagina and very much wants to talk about it.

"It's the smiling Mona Lisa," she explains, and we just... how... do vaginas smile? Which... part? Maybe if you were like side on, but still surely it would be more of a soft smirk. Matty asks if it hurt, and Christa says it was actually quite nice, and she thinks she had an orgasm.

Cool.

Anywho, Athena reacts in the same way anyone would who has just discovered an acquaintance stole their wife in a former life that took place more than 200 years ago. She organises a 'Breakfast at Lavendi' event with all the gals, as though they are civilised women who can sit at a table and use cutlery without throwing shit at each other.

"Ok ok who's being particularly slutty today?"
ADVERTISEMENT

The ladies arrive at Lavendi jewellers, and they roll out a red carpet the size of a door mat. It's awkward and we don't want to talk about it.

Athena attempts to buy everyone's friendships by giving them free watches, and then inviting them to play with all the jewellery. Playing with jewellery sounds like our idea of hell. Speaking of hell, Athena says something about what the "future has in stall" for them and we hold our ears and rock back and forth for 12 hours. 'In store'. The expression is 'in store'.

The only other notable exchange, is when they're discussing the upcoming pet wedding. Christa's husband, renowned artist Charles Billich, is rumoured to have slept with all the women he has painted nude. Krissy responds, "he's painted Matty..." and the women laugh.

Nicole and Krissy then meet up with Victoria at one of those strange aerial yoga studios that only rich people go to. They pretend they're there for exercise, but at no point do they actually do anything mildly physical. Nicole and Krissy bring up their new watches and Victoria says, "Oh, I thought it was your dad's watch."  We feel like we're in Year Three again, when some big kid makes fun of you for wearing those shoes that light up when you walk that are OBVIOUSLY cool.

Shhh shut up I'm here for the gossip.

They continue to not at all engage with the exercise class, and then leave to drink more champagne.

EXCUSE US BUT IT'S A PET WEDDING PLS.

Shh.

The ladies are on their way, and Athena reflects, "Isn't it interesting, when you're wealthy and you do crazy things, people call you eccentric. But if you're not wealthy and you do eccentric things, they call you crazy..." and that might just be the most profound and insightful thing Athena has ever said.

All the housewives (except for Victoria, dunno why) are gathered at the wedding of Christa Billich's Instagram famous dog, Charlie, and Joshua Britt's Instagram famous cat, Frost.

The dog guests are in tuxedos to signify their respect. Athena is horrified that two animals are being married to one another, and therefore just heckles throughout the entire event. She calls everyone "cooky" and yes this is the same woman who just 20 minutes ago was yelling "YUCKOVOS" in a hypnotists chair.

So nervous.

Following the wedding, they head to the reception, and the subject of Matty being painted by Charles Billich is broached. Athena and Lisa seem to have that rare condition where delusions are contagious, and are both invested in this made up story of how Krissy accused Matty of cheating on her husband.

But guys. Matty has had it. 

She turns to Athena and Lisa (just... obviously the problems in this situation) and yells "IT'S NOT A CRIME TO BE PAINTED BY CHARLES BILLICH".

The fight escalates, but then Matty says something truly bizarre. "Half of the sh*t that comes out of everyone's mouth is bullsh*t," she argues.

Umm... that's literally the most generous assessment of this show we've ever heard. THEY'RE STANDING AT AN ANIMAL WEDDING. WHAT HALF OF WHAT THESE WOMEN SAY ISN'T BULLSH*T. WE MUST HAVE MISSED THOSE PARTS.

Matty, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.

It's at this moment that Victoria arrives, and every bone in Athena's body is tingling with excitement about starting a fight with her. Frankly, she's sick of this one, and was going to start one with the cat if Victoria didn't hurry up.

It's been literally 30 seconds and Athena tells the camera Victoria is "the devil's child".

With the other girls, Victoria explains that it's no longer that fun to come to events only to be attacked. Krissy responds, "I don't think you're going to be attacked tonight?" and we quickly cut to Athena telling Lisa about "that stupid f*cking entitled Victoria".

Athena can't work out exactly why she doesn't like Victoria. "Who made her the big..." she says. "Like choose and chop and change... "

"I will feel elated when the girls finally realise what a horrible, despicable, poisonous woman Victoria is."

Lovely.

That's all I want.

As Athena and Lisa rejoin the group, we realise something. Melissa is traumatised. She will never recover from what she's seen this season. She can't even look anyone in the eye as she says, "I just want to know how we are meant to resolve anything".

Ohh sweetie no. No one resolves anything. Because there's nothing to resolve. There is no logic. 

Lisa starts yelling at Krissy and just in passing pushes Matty... aggressively. Matty yells "DON'T PUSH ME DON'T YOU EVER AGAIN PUSH ME" while pushing Lisa out of the way. The other women literally recoil because there's about to be a fight. 

Lisa pushes Matty again, while Athena does precisely nothing, and Matty says the factual statement: "you keep on PUSHING ME".

She then yells that she's had enough of everyone and storms out, smashing her glass on the floor for dramatic effect. As she leaves, Lisa says that they're all at a cat-dog wedding, but "Matty is a rabid, crazy bitch that probably needs to be put down".

Krissy tells Athena, "I'm scared for you," probably because she says things no human should ever say, and Athena responds, "I'm not the one walking around half naked, and drinks until there's no alcohol at the bar. I'm actually a lady".

Krissy points out that Athena's been drunk multiple times (wait.. aren't all these women? Like all the time? Why else would they... never mind).

Athena says she doesn't drink "you idiot," and then THROWS A GLITTER BOMB IN KRISSY'S FACE.

Guys... that's it. It's over. There's no more fights. No more spontaneous trips to Singapore. No more everyone abandoning Lisa until she almost drowns and gets rescued by an obese man and his inflatable swan.

What a shame.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook here

FROM OUR NETWORK
00:00 / ???