We begin with three women relaxing in their roof top pool in Singapore, as though last night one of them didn’t throw a drink at another woman and tell her she only has money because of her two failed marriages.
Athena says she feels “numb and awkward” about her behaviour towards Victoria the previous night, but everyone agrees it was really Victoria who was out of line when she aggressively threw a napkin in Athena’s face.
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NO ONE SHOULD BE THROWING ANYTHING. YOU ARE ADULT WOMEN.
In what seems like a bizarrely out of context comment, Krissy tells the camera, “Athena X is sweet,” which is quite literally the last word we would use to describe Athena X.
But more importantly, Athena is wearing these earrings in the pool, and they’re not at all appropriate.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Matty are relaying the events of last night's dinner to Lisa who had food poisoning and couldn't attend. You guys... no one has ever been as disappointed to miss something as Lisa Oldfield in this moment. She can't quite believe it. People threw shit. And criticised each other's marriages. Without her.
Matty and Melissa challenge Lisa about her own (frankly appalling) behaviour, and Lisa reasons that with all this drama, "the common denominator is Victoria."
OK, no. The common denominator is all of you. And with each passing episode, we become more and more convinced that these fights and the horrible accusations thrown around about women need to not be aired on prime time televi...
OH. LISA CALLED KRISSY A SLUT AGAIN. HAHA, CLASSIC.
"I don’t think Krissy’s a bad person," Lisa says. "I think she’s a slut, but she’s not a bad person."
Matty begs Lisa not to say that in front of her, and Lisa responds with synonyms because it's both funny AND annoying. She then explains to the camera that Krissy "doesn’t get that her loud, obnoxious, slutty behaviour embarrasses me."
The women catch up for lunch, and Victoria gives Athena quite literally the worst apology we've ever heard. "I’m sorry for some of the things I did say but not others," she says, without specifying which parts, exactly, she's sorry for.
Unsurprisingly, another fight begins, this time with the women accusing Lisa of inviting Lizzie Buttrose to Victoria's charity event with the sole purpose of ruining it, which is 100 per cent a true thing that happened. When confronted, Lisa lies about it because tbh it's easier to lie than to admit you're a fully grown woman who spends a lot of time trying to start sh*t.
For a moment, it looks like Lisa might apologise for calling Victoria and Krissy hoes while they were at Victoria's event, but then she looks at Victoria and says, "no one would pay you to have sex," then turns to Krissy and says, "and why would anyone pay her when she gives it away for free?"
YOU CAN’T SAY THAT.
Lisa says she's had a problem with Krissy since day one because
the producers told her to Krissy laughed about Lisa's marriage breaking down.
But when Lisa explains that it was Athena who told her about Krissy's rude comments, Athena flat out denies it. You see, Athena's friends with Krissy now, and she doesn't want to ruin it by being honest or whatever. So she maintains she didn't tell anyone anything, which is frankly hilarious because she literally tells everyone everything.
Athena tells Lisa, "if you have a sick mind that's not my problem," and we're routinely blown away by the things an apparently 'spiritual' person can say for the sole purpose of hurting another human. Lisa just starts repeating "you are a f*cking bitch," "you are a f*cking bitch".
Lisa and Krissy semi 'make up' but it can't last long - otherwise who will call Lisa a psycho and Krissy a slut? These are crucial to the show's character development.
Oh. Victoria's reuniting with her estranged half-sister, and this storyline feels really awkward given that only moments ago Lisa yelled at Athena "F*CK OFF AND DON'T TOUCH ME". There is no room for an earnest, genuine relationship here. It's simply not the place.
Victoria and her sister Lucy, who's come to Singapore from London, are chatting for only mere moments before they realise they both drink Skinny Bitches. "What are the chances we both drink Skinny Bitches?!" asks Victoria, and dear God if we had flown halfway across the world to meet a half-sibling we'd hope we had more profound things in common than a preference for a really default drink.
Victoria decides it's an excellent idea to bring Lucy to drinks with the other housewives, and the first thing Athena tells the camera is, "I can see they are related. But you know, it must be unfortunate to find out that your sister is Victoria".
The conversation is semi-normal so Athena decides to start sh*t with Lisa. Within seconds they're both yelling and pointing at each other and making everyone within a kilometre radius feel deeply uncomfortable.
Matty tells Athena she's acting like a lunatic and she seems to agree. Eventually, she makes up with Lisa and it's quite clear she just got bored so wanted to scream a 'lil bit.
The next day, Athena, Krissy and Matty go to get facials, and the friendship between Athena and Krissy is the weirdest thing we've ever observed. Even though Athena is naturally completely disagreeable, she wants Krissy to like her, so acts really... nice.
Athena is also in the awkward position of having definitely created the rift between Lisa and Krissy, because she can't help but tell people that other people hate them. But Krissy forgives her.
Meanwhile, we're meant to be focusing on the very serious relationship between Victoria and her new sister, but this show really needs to work out what the hell it is because we cannot be expected to take anything seriously when just moments ago, Athena claimed to be a Geisha in a past life.
IS THIS SHOW A COMEDY OR NOT.
IT BETTER BE.
Until next week.