The women are back from Singapore, and we’re all just very surprised that they weren’t detained.

Someone should have detained them.

In Bondi, Victoria has met with a friend to tell her about her long lost sister Lucy, but we need to make one thing clear: THIS SHOW ISN’T ABOUT FAMILY REUNION. This show is about grown women yelling at each other for reasons which need not be clear.

Listen to Josh Britt, Jo Abi and Jessie Stephens talk The Real Housewives of Sydney on The Recap. Post continues after audio. 

Oh, don’t worry. Victoria’s finished talking about her sister and is now talking about Athena being a crazy person – which we’re pretty sure is a politically incorrect thing to say. She continues to (intentionally) pronounce Athena’s last name incorrectly, and repeats the phrase ‘she’s like a dog with a bone’ approximately seven times.

Meanwhile, Athena has returned home, and has chained her husband Panos to a stool to explain the drama in Singapore.

Their conversation doesn’t go like this, but it should:

Moving on.

Athena explains to Panos that Victoria ruined everything by not coming to dinner on the last night they were in Singapore. She decides it's vital to tell her husband Victoria is "pretty weathered" and that the "first time I saw her I thought she was a retired tennis player because she's wrinkly and brown".

Panos' face says WE'RE BEING FILMED WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS.

It's entirely unclear why Athena, who clearly detests Victoria, is so hurt by her absence.

Panos says, "this would never happen with men" and thereby sums up the entire problem with this show.

At her home, Nicole is also telling her husband about how f*cked her friends are. He is desperately trying to mess with his internet connection so it will look like his Skype just cut out, but to no avail. At the end of the conversation, Nicole says, "I love you," and he just hangs up.

Cool.

Excuse us, but Matty's launching a pillow that took her 17 years to create. You see, it doesn't leave creases on your face in the morning. But we can't say we wholly trust a product called 'Forever Young by Matty'.

Oh, no. The housewives are going to a launch for the product and the last thing any of these women need is more alcohol. They need to stop. All of them.

Within minutes Lisa somehow finds a way to say, "and the Academy Award for the biggest slut goes to Krissy Marsh" and we don't know how we got here but we don't completely mind. 

Matty makes a speech to thank her husband for his help with her business and say a few words about her product and then ATHENA GRABS THE MICROPHONE AND SAYS SHE'S NOT GOING TO SING IN CHINESE WHICH IS AN ODDLY SPECIFIC THING TO SAY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO.

Athena. Put down the microphone. There is no world in which this is your moment.

Wait. She's not singing in Chinese. Thank God.

Oh. But she is holding a mini-pillow and explaining that inside there "are fragments of the cross from where Jesus was crucified". We have three questions and/or comments:

• Do you actually in your heart believe there are parts of the crucifix in your weird mini-pillow you found in your bag?
• HOW CAN YOU BE CHRISTIAN AND ALSO BELIEVE SO STRONGLY IN REINCARNATION?
• No.

If anyone ever crashes one of our events to gift us with fragments of the crucifix we will never forgive them.

Despite Athena's... rogueness... she and Lisa are getting along quite well. This annoys Krissy because she doesn't understand how they could've hated each other so passionately in Singapore, and then gone straight back to being friends.

Krissy... that's the entire premise of this show. 

There's a long scene about Melissa being in a movie but PAUSE. Lisa and David Oldfield are getting marriage counselling and it's the most painful thing we've ever seen.

David complains about Lisa's use of social media, and how it makes her "distracted or occupied by something else all the time". In turn, he accurately describes every human being who exists in 2017.

Lisa responds that it's hard being a working mum and is interrupted by David who says, "Lisa, you're not a working mum".

"You are a mum, and you have a job. Working mums are people who have to juggle children with work, you don't take care of the children, I take care of the children. Realistically, you're not a working mum."

David says Lisa isn't missed if she's not at home, and that everything from a family point of view is taken care of by him. Kind of like how women have done that for centuries, kind of like that.

Watching the Oldfields participate in couples counselling is even more depressing than we expected, so now it's time for Nicole's charity event.

It has something to do with food trucks, but we're not going to explain what these events are anymore because they're super vague and also not crucial to the storyline.

Nicole continues to think that yelling "WE'RE LUCKY WE HAVE NICE HOUSES AND BEAUTIFUL CARS" at her daughters will teach them gratitude, but they just look kinda hungry. And bored.

The housewives turn up and instantly Athena and Lisa start discussing staging an intervention for Victoria because she missed dinner on the last night they were in Singapore. We think a) they don't know what the word 'intervention' means, and b) they're bored like Nicole's kids.

Krissy's trying to explain that no one needs an intervention when Victoria arrives, and Athena yells at her that she looks happy.

As more alcohol is consumed and everyone appears to be getting along a little too well, it becomes clear Lisa feels the insatiable need to start sh*t.

She attacks Victoria for being "rude" by not coming to dinner in Singapore, but we'd like to get something straight:

Victoria going to her hotel room on the last night in Singapore to order room service and sleep is literally the most normal, understandable thing anyone has done in this entire series.

As Lisa continues to yell at Victoria, and Athena joins in, Victoria walks away to get more tacos, and we feel like she's too good for this. 

The attention then turns to Krissy, who Lisa calls an "enabler"... because she didn't physically restrain Victoria and force her to go to dinner? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Nicole says the fight is pathetic, which it absolutely is, then Krissy asks Lisa not to swear because there are children around, to which Lisa responds, "I don't give a f*ck".

WHATEVER THERE'S A CAT WEDDING NEXT WEEK AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST IDEA WE'VE EVER HEARD.

Until next Sunday!

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