We open on recently divorced Janet and psychic Jackie, who are heading to Andrea’s husband’s plastic surgery shop to get botox for Janet. This is confusing already. Dr. Chris Moss comes and sticks needles in Janet’s face, Jackie screams and that’s about it. Jackie says she’s not ready for botox yet, but isn’t ruling it out: “If you’ve got this amazing body like myself, then the face has to keep up.”
Jackie then fills Janet in on the drama from last week, because it’s presumably going to continue to be the drama this week, so we need a refresher. Deep breath:
At a dinner party, Psychic Jackie told Lawyer Gina that her boyfriend in Miami was cheating on her, and that she knew this because Gina’s dead grandma was telling her. Gina then told super-rich Lydia that she didn’t believe that her boyfriend was cheating on her, but she went to Miami anyway, to double check. Then Lydia told told Jackie that Gina had said that she didn’t believe that Jackie really had talked to her dead grandma.
Keep breathing, we’re nearly there:
Jackie got really upset, so when Gina got back from Miami, she confronted her and told her that Lydia had told her that she said she didn’t believe what she had said about her cheating boyfriend. Then Gina said it’s not that she didn’t believe what Jackie had said, it was that she didn’t think Jacie had actually seen her dead grandmother, she thought Jackie had seen a demon. Then Jackie cried and that’s where we’re at.
So, not at all complicated.
“She thinks she’s got youse all under her thumb,” Jackie tells Janet (who’s still recovering from just having needles jammed into her head because youth). “The only person she doesn’t is me – the firecracker.”
I love how Jackie is constantly trying to brand herself. We GET IT babe – you’re the ‘spunky’ one.
Jackie tells Janet that she wants to give Gina a second chance though, so she has invited Gina to her housewarming party. Ah, so The Big Event where everybody dresses up and gets into a fight is going to be at Jackie’s this week. Janet says she definitely thinks Gina will come, because who would miss a ‘rock star’ party? And with that sentence, Janet officially became the first person besides Jackie to mention that Jackie is married to International Rock Star Ben Gillies.
Andrea and Lydia, probably the show’s two most out-of-touch-with-reality Toorak ladies. They meet in a shop in Toorak to buy a present for Jackie and International Rock Star Ben Gillies for this week’s Big Event; the housewarming. Money money shopping money money. Nothing’s happening, so we quickly move on.
Lydia says goodbye to Andrea and heads off to Gina’s ‘new apartment’. But it’s an odd situation in which they’re pretending like it’s her actual apartment but the graphic clearly states that they’re just walking around some random display apartment:
Details, shmetails, I guess.
Gina says that the apartment is actually for her two twenty-something sons to live in ‘as a bachelor pad’ and suddenly I want Gina to be my mum so bad I’m almost crying. Lydia is apparently there to give decorating advice because she’s getting a ‘high distinction’ in her decorating course, but she’s actually there so that Gina can drop the following bombshell: Gina has decided to break up with her man in Miami. But not because psychic Jackie told her he was cheating. It’s actually because “it’s geographically impossible.”
Gina’s relationship bombshell dropped, next up Jackie and her hubby International Rock Star Ben Gillies meet with some party planners to get The Big Event for this week – their housewarming party – underway. We spend the next few minutes watching IRSBG trying to get to the end of a sentence without being cut off by Jackie.
Wow, so… I can’t believe they’ve been talking to the party planners this long and Jackie still hasn’t mentioned that International Rock Star Ben Gillies is International Rock Star Ben Gillies, or that she’s a psychic. Those are her two favourite things to talk about; what’s taking so long? Oh wait, here we go. Completely out of the blue, Jackie says:
“I don’t know if you guys know, but I’m a professional psychic, and I need to vibe in on the type of people. I don’t want people coming in and going because my husband is a rock star, ‘this is fucking awesome’. I don’t want gossip around the town, you know, that we’re holding a party. And I can pick that.”
Next, the chef comes out to give them some food options to taste, and the following conversation takes place:
Jackie: “Where’s your accent from?”
Chef: “South Africa.”
Jackie: “Oh! So Zimbabwe.”
Chef: “No… South Africa.”
Jackie (who’s clearly been misinformed by the geography magic feather angels): “Well, still around the same continents, you know.”
Chef/Party planners: *can’t even deal*
Cut to… Lydia and her hubby Andrew flying to King Island in their private jet to buy some cheese. Because that’s what people with money do, okay?
“Some people drive to the store,” Lydia says, like that’s the most common thing she’s ever heard. “We fly.” I love that Lydia says such ridiculous things and she just doesn’t give a shit.
Next up we touch base with successful (yet totally normal and thus boring) businesswoman Chyka, at which point everyone remembers that businesswoman Chyka exists. I guess we just have to watch her running her successful business being totally normal for a while…
Nope! The producers send Jackie in. This’ll be fun. She wants to get advice from Chyka because she and International Rock Star Ben Gillies are thinking of launching their own brand, and Chyka is a person who actually works. Jackie has decided that she doesn’t want to launch a tequila brand anymore; she wants to launch a cocktail brand. The angels telling her tequila was the answer must have changed their minds.
Jackie tells Chyka (the woman who has worked her ass off for 20 years to create a successful brand and business) her flawless business plan: She has an inspiration board, and when she sticks pictures of stuff on it, she magically gets that stuff.
“I have the inner that inner power,” Jackie says. “To be able to create miracles.” Somebody needs to make a GIF of Chyka’s face in that moment because it is divine.
Jackie tells Chyka (again, while sitting in the business Chyka took 20 years to perfect) that she plans on having a cocktail line in the stores within a month. Chyka, who, bless her, seems to be coming from a place of genuine concern and not just bitchiness (she really won’t last long on this show) starts asking Jackie questions about her business strategy, which Jackie says she hasn’t really thought much about because she’s just going to let the ‘psychic vibes’ guide her.
“I think she believes she understands…” Chyka generously offers in a private cutaway. “It’s a very interesting business strategy to rely on… angels.”
STOP BEING SO NICE AND SAY WHAT YOU THINK CHYKA.
Next up, Gina goes to Andrea’s to once again explain the whole Gina/Jackie drama so that everyone is definitely up to speed by the time we get to the inevitable showdown at this week’s Big Event. (Seriously though – I don’t think it matters anymore. Gina and Jackie are mad at each other, that’s pretty much the gist.)
But first, it’s time for A Big Confession from Gina.
Soft piano music plays as Gina tells Andrea the real reason she doesn’t have time for Jackie’s psychic crap: Ten years ago she survived abdominal cancer, after being given only a 35% chance to live. Gina says her faith in god is what got her through, and part of that faith is thinking that pychics are being influenced by demons and not God. So that’s where she’s at.
35% chance of survival. Shit. No wonder she’s so fierce. Then she apologises for crying. Gina, babe, I cry when I run out of nutella – you survived cancer. LET IT OUT.
Okay, brush off the emotions because it’s time for this week’s Big Event – Jackie and International Rock Star Ben Gillies’ housewarming party. Let’s play a drinking game – whoever sees the ‘international rock stars’ that Jackie promised would be in attendance (besides IRSBG) must down a whole bottle of vodka.
Jackie says she knows the ladies are all despearte to meet IRSBG: “I know that a part of them is like oh my god, he’s so famous, I need to meet him.”
None of them really seems to care. Although Andrea does privately tell the camera that she’s surprised by how short he is. So… That’s something, right?
Gina arrives last (and with the smallest gift… SCANDAL!). She is greeted by Jackie and IRSBG and the three of them are perfectly lovely to each other. WHERE IS THE DRAMA WE WERE PROMISED? WHY ARE THEY NOT THROWING TABLES AT EACH OTHER?
The party is pretty meh.
Lydia is probably most entertaining. She is freaking hilarious with a bit of alcohol in her. She stands by Jackie as she opens housewarming gifts and offers her Toorak-critique on every one. Of Gina’s: “That may be a blue box, but that’s not Tiffany’s…” AW SNAP. And then of Chyka’s (who got Jackie a bunch of products from her own store): “Wow. She really went out of her way, didnt she? (Hysterical laughter.)”
OMG I think Lydia might be my new fave. Or I at least want to get drunk with her and bitch about people.
Now, the party is going really well and everybody keeps saying that they don’t want any drama between Gina and Jackie, so, naturally, everyone keeps asking Gina what she thinks of Jackie and Jackie what she thinks of Gina. This plants the seeds of anger
that the producers were hoping for that Jackie needs to confront Gina, and so begins the drama we were promised:
This week’s Big Confrontation at the Big Event.
Jackie begins by bizarrely accusing Gina of flirting with her husband IRSBG. IRSBG tries to mediate some peace between the two ladies, but since Jackie rarely hears him when he speaks, this proves fruitless. Jackie immediately takes things to the next level by saying:
“You know I’ve never used the word c##t, but I called you that. That’s how angry I was.”
(I call bullshit on Jackie never using the word c##t, but anyway…)
Gina counters by saying if that’s the case, then all of Jackie’s ‘angels/positivity/shine shine blessings’ attitude is bullshit: “You say that you want to help humanity,” Gina says. “Well calling a woman the c-word flies in the face of that. It’s not consistent with who you say you are.”
SNAP. I think. I’m confused. I just want someone to throw a table.
International Rock Star Ben Gillies is furious. He defends his wife’s right to use the c-word. “I will always defend Jackie,” he says. “Always. Even if she’s in the wrong.”
Yeah, because I get the feeling that if you didn’t she’d lock you in a cupboard or something.
IRSBG gets the shits and walks off. Then Gina and Jackie keep fighting in a she said/she said kind of way: “I didn’t say it! You said it! I never said it like that! You did say it like that! You’ve got it wrong! YOU’VE GOT IT WRONG! Etc etc etc blah blah blah. It’s incredible.
They call Lydia over to try and settle things once and for all. After all, Lydia is the one who started this whole thing by telling Jackie that Gina didn’t believe that Jackie had really seen her dead grandma at the dinner table (I’m barely following this).
Lydia is confused as to why she’s been pulled away from the fun time she was having drinking and laughing about people who don’t come from Toorak. She mumbles something and leaves.
The argument ends with Jackie saying “I feel like I’m in a fucking courtroom!” and Gina storming out of the party. The other women seem too drunk to care.
Looks like the drama between Jackie and Gina is much more than a three-episode arc. This epic fight is going to take us through the WHOLE DAMN SEASON, you guys.
And it’s all based on whether someone saw a dead grandma or a demon.
I love this show so much.
The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs Sunday nights on Arena at 8:30pm. Catch up on past recaps here: