So, a third royal baby from Kate and Wills will kill us all, apparently.

I hate to be an alarmist, or even a tad dramatic while clutching at the most bizarre of straws, but does the royal family want to stop ruining our planet in their mindlessly selfish pursuit of a bigger family?

Confused? Oh, so was I. Until I wasn’t anymore.

Let me take you back a step before you, too, come to the startling realisation that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have just booked themselves a one-way ticket to destroying the world without so much as a thought of the peasants that lie in their wake.

Okay. So. On a recent royal tour of Poland, the Duchess of Cambridge joked she and Prince William should have another baby after being gifted a present designed for newborns.

How flippant. Ignorant! Silly. She might as well have just made a joke about murdering a litter of tiny Labrador puppies.

Obviously, a third royal baby means climate change will just happen faster, we will experience more deadly heatwaves and the little baby’s entrance into earth will kill off many, many animals. What a selfish little bébé.

But don’t just take my word for it.

Family planning group Having Kids took it upon themselves to warn the royal couple of the monumental, world-ending decision they joked of making, writing an open letter to a couple who will definitely take notice and not at all have no idea who they are.

Image: Getty.

"Large families are not sustainable. As degraded as the world’s environment is today, none of us can imagine what the world would be like if fertility rates had not been halved in the 20th Century, below three children per woman," they wrote.

"We must keep moving in the right direction, especially given the many studies that show family planning has the most potential for mitigating climate change and its impacts. The future of your country will be defined by the impacts of climate change."

Of the definite and direct consequences this royal baby will undeniably bring to the world, these are just some more, according to Having Kids:

  • More severe flooding – both from heavier rains and coastal flooding.
  • Deadlier heatwaves.
  • Increase in diseases such as malaria.
  • Wildlife extinctions

They went on to brilliantly and passive-aggressively point out that of course (!!) the royal children don't know anything about anything, for they live in a PALACE.

"Of course, we know that Prince George and Princess Charlotte are certain to have wonderful lives, protected from the deprivations of poverty and the threat of environmental degradation."

Right, um, of course. Third baby = Armageddon.

So next time you contract malaria, make sure you send your hospital bills to the royal couple.

The Strategic Dress Codes Of Kate and Wills.