Sandra* was 24 when she met Jake* – a rather average young man – on a night out.
At about 3am, they decided to go back to his house, mostly because Sandra felt like some sex. Please.
They were going at it and it was fine, but then Jake suggested they try anal.
Sandra, slightly bored with the usual, shrugged her shoulders and went “yeah, sure”.
And anal sex they did. It was okay, Sandra told Mamamia. A little bit uncomfortable, but certainly not painful, and at times it actually felt pretty good.
After they were finished, Jake jumped up to go to the bathroom, and turned on the light.
Literally. There was poop everywhere.
There was brown on the sheets, and poop on Jake’s penis. It was, and I quote, “sticky”.
Sandra describes the experience as: “The worst moment of my life.”
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She did what any self respecting young woman would do, and with tears in her eyes bolted out of there, never to speak to the ordinary young man from the club ever again.
Since that incident four years ago, Sandra has one four syllable word she yells every time the subject of anal sex comes up.
“Don’t go in there blind…” she says, clearly experiencing traumatic flashbacks to the moment her bowel betrayed her.
And with that in mind, we have sourced the best advice for preparing oneself for a penis up the butt – preferably without a spot of poop on the sheets.
The detachable shower head…
Antonio* told Mamamia that he has a foolproof way of ensuring he is clean every time.
“Ideally you’ll have one of those detachable shower heads,” he said.
“You pop it on your rear end and perform a sort of enema on yourself. Blast water in small bursts (like 15 seconds) and then expel.”
Make sure the water isn’t boiling hot, but just slightly warm.
He says it ensures that any residual, erm, faecal matter, is flushed out, and it offers him a bit of peace of mind.
A douche or enema from the pharmacy.
Porn star and co-host of Mamamia’s podcast The Prude and the Porn Star, Madison Missina, says she uses a douche that can just be purchased from your local chemist.
“A douche basically is a bulb that I fill with water so I can clean out my anal passage so I can make sure there’s no poop there. You can buy them from sex stores, you can get them from chemists…” Missina explained on the podcast.
Basically, you just fill the bulb enema with warm water, and insert the tip. The water is then squeezed into the rectum, and then comes straight back out into the toilet. The idea is to repeat this process until the water comes out clear.
It's important to remember, however, that poo itself does not live in the rectum. It's... further up. So the enema is flushing out traces of faecal matter that might still be remaining from an active bowel movement.
You can buy an enema kit online.
Should you poo before anal sex?
According to Dr Seán Cassidy, who specialises in sexual health, yes.
"There should only be poo in the anal canal when you actually need to go to the toilet," he told Buzzfeed.
Therefore, make sure you empty your bowels prior to anal sex, and then give the area a thorough wash.
The foods you should... maybe... avoid.
Sex expert Tracey Cox puts it simply: "Tucking into gas-inducing foods like onions, chickpeas, broccoli, or cauliflower is not going to add to the experience."
It's also recommended you stay away from red meat if possible (it's greasy and can take a while to digest) and pepper (difficult to digest).
So what should you eat? Simple. Lots of fibre.
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Unless you're super into poop-play, you should probably avoid having anal sex if you're in the middle of some hectic diarrhoea, or your stomach isn't feeling quite right.
With that said, it's worth noting that there is always a risk of some poo on the sheets after anal sex. That's the thing about butt holes - they can be slightly unpredictable.
But real talk: It's unlikely you're going to poop everywhere. Most anal sex goes down problem-free. And the good news?
Even if something does go wrong, it will make a great story that will bring all your friends unspeakable joy.