pregnancy

'No cheese for me' and other first world problems of being pregnant at Christmas.

Please note this article was written with tongue-firmly-in-cheek and full acknowledgement of these being very #firstworldproblems.

Are you excited about the chilled glass of bubbly that’ll be waiting for you at Christmas lunch?

What about some of that juicy ham your mum ordered from the butcher (read: it’s fancy)?

Mmmmm, just imagine yourself dousing a prawn in tartare sauce and shoving it greedily into your mouth….

No, really. Do it. Please imagine. Because as anyone who is with child right now knows, this excitement is at least one long year away. It’s a distant shimmering oasis that’s a painful labour and many sleepless nights away.

Related: Eight ways to catch up with your friends that don’t involve ‘Christmas lunch’.

So while you’re stuffing your face without a care in the world this Christmas, spare a thought for the expecting women in your life — hell, the expecting women of Australia — who are checking their baby apps to figure out whether custard carries a risk of harmful bacteria (it can, FYI). Here’s what they’ll be thinking…

The drinks situation. It’s a struggle.

Image via iStock.

Pregnant women are some of the few people who truly understand the obscene amount families drink during the festive season. They also understand that the Drinks On Offer list is usually as follows:

  • Champagne
  • Beer
  • Wine
  • Spirits

Once you refuse all of the above, your gracious host will look sheepish and offer you a glass of tap water. TAP WATER. A word of advice, mums-to-be? BYO a soft drink and make sure the kids’ table don’t rack off with it.

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Don’t expect a delicious feast.

If you’re currently growing a human inside you and like snacks, then ensure you bring your own supply this Christmas. As your family cheers one another with their alcohol-filled drinks and admire how beautifully arranged the blue cheeses are on the platter, you may feel a sense of resentment you’ve never experienced before. (Post continues after gallery.)

We all know it doesn’t end at the soft cheeses though, does it?

If you’re being strict (power to you if you’re not - enjoy it for the rest of the Bump Brigade) you’ll also note that all the other hallmarks of Christmas are off bounds for you.

Goodbye ham, stuffing, custard, pavlova (if the eggs haven't been fully cooked), prawns, smoked salmon, cured meats, chocolate mousse, etc, etc. Why is it always the good stuff? Why can’t apples or Brussel sprouts be on the blacklist? Whyyyyy?

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Image: Getty.

Hog the stuff you can eat with your life.

One of the benefits of being up the duff is that no one wants to get in the way of a hungry pregnant woman because it makes you look like a bad person. If you see fit to place the bowl of chips in front of you as your own personal entree - damn well do it.

If anyone protests, tell them it’s what the baby wants. That should shut them up. It’s one thing to steal a pregnant woman’s chips and entirely another to steal chips from an innocent, salt-craving little baby.

Feel smug when the “food baby” conversation comes up.

As those around you at the table loosen their belts, undo their pants and exclaim at their Santa-like belly, you can recline in comfort in your stretchy maternity-wear. It’s purpose-built for Chrissie lunch. (Post continues after gallery.)

Swollen limbs are the worst, but they’re a fabulous excuse.

When getting up and down from the table can’t be achieved without an animalistic grunt and having to pull your chair out about a metre, you can bank on one thing: sympathy.

You might not get to eat any fun stuff, but this year you and your swollen limbs get a free pass from the clean up efforts. Win.

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Image: iStock.

Sweat, baby, sweat.

An Aussie Christmas is a sweat bath to begin with, but you can guarantee that thanks to the little heat pack currently renting your womb for a bargain price, you’ll be sweating from places you didn’t know it was possible.

Retreat to air-con, bring a fan, or just own the fact that your BO will be worse than Uncle Roger’s this year.

Pregnant woman
Pregnant woman. Image via iStock

You no longer get any presents.

Be prepared to open many generous gifts this year... all of which are filled with rattles, dummies and baby clothes.

If it hasn’t already, the reality that life is no longer about you as an individual is about to hit you as fast as your confusion over what “swaddling” entails.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Give your gorgeous pregnant belly a pat and imagine the little person you’ll be wishing ‘merry Christmas’ this time next year. Right after you’ve imagined how good the prawns are going to taste.

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