I’ve had low blood pressure, high blood pressure, sciatica, bright blue boobie veins, a bleeding anus and really, really good hair. But nothing could have prepared me for the awful moment when I looked down and saw that I appeared to be growing a dick.
No, this isn’t some cutesy way of saying, “Surprise! I’m having a son and he’s growing a teeny penis! Ha ha, gotcha!” I was actually growing something on the front of my groin area that looked like my own, private penis. And it was scaring the hell out of me.
It was the 25th week of my pregnancy and I was loving it. My morning sickness was long gone, and I adored my baby bump. One evening, after a shower, I stood naked in front of the bathroom mirror to marvel at my changing body.
This was something I did regularly. My eyes scanned everything, from head to toe; my slightly chubbier upper arms, my blossoming boobs, my expanding baby bump. But then, I saw something that was new and just plain weird.
I leaned into the mirror to make sure that it wasn’t just the shower steam distorting my vision. Have you experienced any of these embarrassing sex moments, like the Mamamia team have? (Post continues after video.)
In the mirror, I saw that a soft knob of flesh had appeared on the front of my vulva. It had never been there before. I stopped breathing. What was this weird growth, and how had it appeared out of nowhere?
I looked down at my body to see if it was really, truly there, but my baby bump obscured the view of my groin. So I bent down as far as I could, and prised apart the two folds of skin that guarded my vulva. To my horror, the little fleshy bump was there and it was real.
I poked it, and it didn’t just feel like a floppy bit of skin, but like there was something under the skin, something vital and serious and functioning.
The bathroom suddenly felt very hot. What was this thing on my body? After examination with a hand mirror, I saw that I still had all of my girl parts, in addition to this new bump. So it’s not like my clitoris was swollen. This was separate, unique growth that was around two centimetres long and one centimetre wide.
So, like any intelligent woman with slightly hypochondriac tendencies, I came to two conclusions.
1. I had a dangerous cyst and I was dying.
2. I was growing my very own penis.
That night, I crawled silently into bed with my boyfriend. He knew that something was wrong.
“Why are you so quiet? Are you okay?” he asked me. I’d spent the past few months babbling excitedly about our new baby and now I could hardly look at him, let alone speak.