My sister and I are six years apart, and although we live on the opposite side of the universe, we have always been very close.
When she fell pregnant the first time, I was at my happiest; I was starting to dream about having kids, and I was so grateful she didn’t have to struggle to conceive and create her own family.
I flew home with my husband to be close to her when the baby was born. I didn’t sleep the night she gave birth, as I couldn’t stand the idea that she was going through so much pain alone; I ended up running to the hospital at 5am, so I could at least be close to her husband.
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I was so tired and excited, and the sterile corridor where I was sitting was such a contrast to all the emotions that were swirling in my brain.
They allowed me to see the baby right after he was born. My sister was exhausted and yet so beautiful, and I couldn’t stop staring at her hair - as it looked like she had just been to the hairdresser, instead of having gone through hours of excruciating pain.
I was mesmerised (and completely clueless) about the birthing process and motherhood.
Fast forward to three years and my husband and I were in a delicate stage, as I didn’t seem to be able to conceive, and so much resentment was brewing in me.
The loneliness I felt during that stage was so loud and overwhelming. We decided to go back home for a family holiday, as I needed time to rest and regroup.
That’s when we got invited for dinner by my lovely sister and her husband. Before dessert, I was handed a little box, and as soon as I opened it and I saw the pregnancy test, my heart skipped a beat.
I remember that moment so vividly, and for a fraction of second, I wished that pee-stick was mine. Weirdly enough, for a moment in space, I actually thought it was mine, as If I had conceived and I was the only one who didn’t know.
I started crying, and everyone was cheering, clapping and laughing around me. I looked at my husband and I saw right through his eyes. I cried even more.
I still don’t know if the tears were caused by anger or happiness, as those two emotions were so blended together, I wasn’t capable to discern what was what.
I hated the situation I was in, as I wanted to voice my pain: it’s not fair, what about me! But I couldn’t, because never in the universe would I have taken away the joy of my sister’s pregnancy and ruined her moment with my concerns.
I was also sure that it had been tough for her to share the news as she knew how much I was suffering. Yet, I was her sister, and we loved each other, and it was only natural to share and be happy for such a special time.