If you were looking forward to nine months of pregnancy bliss, you might want to think again.
Before you ACTUALLY were pregnant… did you look forward to getting pregnant? Being told that you glow? Did you buy into this vision that being pregnant would make you an angelic round lump of contented domesticity with a perfect bun in the oven and out of it?
I hope that, by now, you agree with me that we’ve all figured out this is a bunch of bull.
I posed a simple question to the ladies that make up the BLUNTmums writer group: what happened that you weren’t expecting? What followed was a giant Facebook thread (vomited out in a huge rush of pent-up rage) of every gross, unbelievable, obnoxious symptom and weird thing that nobody told us can happen during pregnancy, labour, and even afterwards (there’s almost enough stuff here to write a book).
Why did no one tell us this? One can only presume that people tried to keep us in the dark because if we knew what we were in for, we'd never have let a guy within half a kilometre of our hoo-has. Humanity itself might have gone extinct. Once we do this thing, however, we discover that miracle-making has some dirty little secrets, but this is real life, and it's awesome... even when it's not (obviously so, because a lot of us get back in line to do it all over again in spite of being forewarned).
Motherhood is a joy, but it sometimes comes covered in snot, bucket sweat, and poop. It also comes with lots of groping from strangers, in case that floats your boat.
There was only one thing to do about it: we had to organise the list of "what weren't you told to expect when you're expecting" and ask the rest of you... are we wrong? And more importantly - did we miss any of your personal "favourites"?
1. The worst, most painful acne you've ever experienced
Your teenage years have nothing on the cystic acne that might develop. On your neck. Behind your ears. All over your chin. Even on your back and chest. It's that, or you'll have fabulous skin your entire pregnancy only to blister up like you jammed your head in a beehive immediately after giving birth. What the heck, hormones? Cut a girl a break.
2. Your nose is your enemy
Nosebleeds? Yup. Constant running nose? Check. Buy stock in Kleenex? No? Better get stock trading, girlfriend. Also - you might just discover that your nose has become super-powered. You'll be able to identify what others ate for lunch in the smell of their urine, which may cause marital strife when you realise your hubby's been sneaking the good stuff you've sworn to abstain from. You will also be convinced you stink. You might have to ban certain types of foods for the duration of your entire pregnancy, because these foods smell like crap. Literally. No there will be no rhyme or reason. It might be chicken. It might be cooked broccoli.
3. All-f***ing-day sickness
Sometimes it ends. Sometimes you will vomit your entire way through pregnancy to the delivery room. Sometimes you might even find yourself hospitalised for dehydration because of it. Cupcakes, I wish I could tell you that it's extremely rare that morning sickness lingers. It's not.
4. Your body flakes out
Inexplicable, random numbness; painful sciatica; backaches; headaches; killer heartburn - the kind that makes you convinced you have your kid's hair crawling up your throat; stabbing pains in your groin; feeling like you've got a cannonball sitting on your perineum; constant Charlie horses in the soles of your feet; passing out every time you have a warm shower... All this and more can be yours. Find a chiropractor. And one of those old-person shower stools.