health

"I am your mother and you deserve so much more than me."

I look into your eyes and it’s an overwhelming feeling of love and pity that sweeps across my body.

I should be seeing joy and happiness, feeling a sense of pride and gratitude like nothing else on earth but I am not.  I feel immense sadness and sorrow for you because I am your mother and you deserve so much more than me.

I have never felt I was an ungrateful being or someone who couldn’t see the beauty in things but for the past 2 years, I have been unable to feel those wonderful feelings of pride, joy, love and mostly gratitude.  You see, I am not an ungrateful woman, nor am I cruel or loveless, I am just sick. I am sick with something that has ailed me for more than half of my 39 years on this earth but this past 2 years has been the hardest, the darkest, the scariest and the loneliest time yet.

This time, 2 years ago, I found myself just pregnant with my second child and my sickness took its downward turn.  It was not that I was ungrateful to be filled with the blessing of a baby or that I did not want another child and apart from some common fears amongst women having their second child, I have no idea what changed me then.  Perhaps it was a chemical thing, a hormonal thing, perhaps that was just a coincidence but whatever it was, that’s when it started.

From that time on, I have struggled immensely, more than I could ever tell another human being, more than I could possibly tell my Mum (to whom I tell most everything, for she is my best friend), more than I could possibly tell my psychologist or my psychiatrist or my forever loving partner who has suffered greatly over this past 24 months.

For two years, I have been living in the darkest place I have ever known, not constantly but the lighter times have been few and far between and I have had enough.  I spent 3 weeks in a mother baby unit when my daughter was 3 months old and continued on counselling, medication (including self medicating) and counselling since then.

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“I woke this morning and I had to let this out. I had to write it down because I am full. I am full of sadness, I am full of despair and mostly I am full of anger.”

In August I finally got into see a well respected psychiatrist who was not only into dealing out prescriptions but also believed in natural healing.  I guess you could say she has a holistic approach.  Since then, I have spent time un-medicated (which, as suspected, went terribly), tried adding medications to the already failing ones and am now onto my second “new” medication, today marking the beginning of week three and I’m yet to see if this is “the one”.

I woke this morning and I had to let this out.  I had to write it down because I am full.  I am full of sadness, I am full of despair and mostly I am full of anger that the very two years that I had PROMISED myself I would make the most of (our daughter being our last child and our son starting school next year), have been stolen from me.  I am angry that I am lacking the patience and level headedness to be the best mum I can be and I am angry that my relationship with both of my children is not what I want it to be.

I am furious that my children have had to go through the storm that is the depression of their mummy and I’m furious that two years on, I am still here, living in this deep, black hole, through no fault of my own.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that I am not alone (no matter how I might feel) and if you are reading this and you are feeling like I am, please know that YOU are not alone either.  May we all have the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you think you or someone you know may be suffering from depression, contact PANDA – Post and Antenatal Depression Association. You can find their website here or call their helpline – 1300 726 306.

Kate is a 39 year old mother to a nearly 6 year old boy and 15 month old girl and lives with her family in Gisborne, Victoria.  Kate is also a professional singer and songwriter and keen hobby photographer.  can read her blog here and like her Facebook page here.

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