Was Saturday a big day for you?
If you’re looking for somewhere to live, we bet it was.
Because it’s inspection day. And you have morphed into one of the desperate people who willingly and legally creep through strangers’ homes, peering through their cupboards, looking under their storage units and checking out their furniture.
It’s an odd procession of people. Strangers in the most intimate setting. None of whom know each other. None of whom actually know the OWNER.
I’ve become one of those people who file in and out of homes on a Saturday. Like an ant, looking for some crumbs, then retreating back to my own humble nest.
So the only fun part of this experience is the people-watching. And what people – this is who I spend part of my weekend with:
My idea of hell is lugging my family of five through a perfect home where nothing can be moved, touched or broken. But some parents take their school-aged kids through open houses like puppies through the park. Covered in mud, mouthguards still in, shin pads still stuck on their legs – these kids trample on freshly vaccummed carpet with their spikey shoes and hands full of the hot chips they bought at the chicken shop across the road. The house suddenly stinks like chicken salt and sweaty children. Their parents are, um, somewhere.
2. The novices.
Usually a couple. Sometimes they hold a cute, well-behaved baby and they politely look at rooms from the doorway.
3. The knockers.
These are the complete opposite of the novices. These are the professional-ordinary-inspectors. These people walk in with no kids. Ever. They have a tape measure in hand and they do it as a team. They look in cupboards, they rub plaster with their fingers, they look for clotheslines and vents. The best way to pick them? They knock. On everything. Door frames. Walls. Everything.
4. The fixer-uppers.
They’re either looking to renovate or they’re having a sticky-beak to look at someone else’s furnishings. They swivel taps, they turn on showers, flush toilets and spend an inordinate amount of time looking at the alarm and A/C systems.