You guys, I’ve just had the most brilliant idea.
I’m going to get up the duff – impregnated, if you will – so I can get my grubby mitts on some sweet, sweet cash.
“Get a career you crazy sack of potatoes,” I hear you all say, but pah! Haven’t you heard? Jobs are for losers. Breeding is for millionaires.
Yep. I’m shooting a tiny human out my wazoo for the sole reason of paid parental leave. It’s a lucrative scheme I really, really want to cash in on, okay? And I’m one of so many Aussie women doing the same.
Just ask Senator Pauline Hanson, who informed The Australian of our grand plans on Thursday.
Listen: How to respond to the inevitable, ‘So, when are you having a baby?’ question. (Post continues after audio.)
“They get themselves pregnant and [the government will] have the same problems they did with the Baby Bonus, with people just doing it for the money,” the mother-of-four said, later adding: “We have such a welfare handout mentality.”
She’s totally right. I can feel my belly and my bank account growing right now.
Let’s crunch the salivating numbers, shall we?
At a rate of $672.60 per week for a new extended maximum of five months, I’m looking at making a cool $13,452.
Ca-bloody-ching, amiright?! What a WHOPPING SUM for pushing a living watermelon out of something that’s the size of a macadamia nut and then, you know, raising it to, you know, contribute to the Planet Earth etc etc etc.
A man is not a financial plan, but a baby most definitely is.
Of course, none of this money will go towards my tiny infant human thingymajig. It won’t go towards nappies, or breast pumps, or cribs, or any of that unnecessary baby sh*t. Maybe I’ll put it towards a new Mercedes Benz. Or a beachfront mansion in Darling Point. Or, like, $13,452 worth of Golden Gaytimes… because yum.
Let's ignore the $406,000 it typically costs for the average family to raise a child in Australia from infancy to adulthood because, um, that's not important. I'm a greedy owner of fallopian tubes who lives in the moment.
Sure, over the next couple of decades I'm gonna come up $392,548 short... but I really want Golden Gaytimes. And I want them now.
I'm getting knocked up so I can get cashed up, people. And not even Pauline Hanson is gonna stop me.
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