"Khloe Kardashian has never seen a white penis. What a coincidence! Neither have I."

Dear Khloe,

You don’t know me and despite my best attempts at dodging all media relating to your family, I know you well enough to spell your name right the first time.

In a new preview for your show, Kocktails With Khloe, you made the intimate revelation you have never seen a white penis. You said, and I quote, “I’ve never seen a white penis.”

This is interesting to me because, just between us and the 949, 549 people who have liked us both on Facebook… I’ve never seen one either.

I do however have a few theories about what they might look like.

Maybe something like this, right?:

I work in an office full of women, so I can’t be sure how close I’m getting. So I thought I’d do some research (I am a journalist, after all).

I tried to Google ‘white penis’ but a small message appeared on my desktop which said, ‘BLOCKED: YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THIS CONTENT.’

Strange.

I then had a long catch-up meeting with the lady from HR who was so lovely and very interested in my day-to-day role.

I had a bit of trouble explaining my exact predicament so when she asked to look at my computer, I handed it over.

So, I’m now writing this letter from my phone.

Anyway, let’s get back to what happened:

You broke the news of your never-seen-peen to beloved 90s actor and comedian Pauly Shore, a man you yesterday called a ‘racist’.

In a teaser for your aforementioned show, Kocktails with Khloe, he made a generalised comment about you that you found offensive.

“All you guys date black dudes. Don’t start with the whole black going back bulls—. But what is it?” He said.

Your response was to immediately snap back:

“Not all of us. To me that is a racist question.”

Now that I know we both dislike racists and are both unfamiliar white penises, I feel quite close to you. I worry now: Did I judge you too quickly, Khlo – can I call you that?

I mean, before I wrote this, I only knew two things about you: 1. You are somehow related to Kim, 2. You make not-so-great puns about cocktails. But now I know that we’re the deepest of soul sisters.

I’d like us to be friends but due to my nine-to-five Sydney lifestyle, I’m not sure this will happen.

I can imagine what our friendship would be like, though. Here is us having drinks near the Opera House:

I look forward to hearing from you, my new bosom buddy.

Forever yours,

Meredith

Here is Khloe’s Konversation with Pauly Shore: