entertainment

"Khloe Kardashian has never seen a white penis. What a coincidence! Neither have I."

Dear Khloe,

You don’t know me and despite my best attempts at dodging all media relating to your family, I know you well enough to spell your name right the first time.

In a new preview for your show, Kocktails With Khloeyou made the intimate revelation you have never seen a white penis. You said, and I quote, “I’ve never seen a white penis.”

This is interesting to me because, just between us and the 949, 549 people who have liked us both on Facebook… I’ve never seen one either.

I do however have a few theories about what they might look like.

Maybe something like this, right?:

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A mushroom, an octopus and a salt shaker. Am I close? Source: Getty/Altered Image.

I work in an office full of women, so I can’t be sure how close I’m getting. So I thought I’d do some research (I am a journalist, after all).

I tried to Google ‘white penis’ but a small message appeared on my desktop which said, ‘BLOCKED: YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THIS CONTENT.’

Strange.

I then had a long catch-up meeting with the lady from HR who was so lovely and very interested in my day-to-day role.

I had a bit of trouble explaining my exact predicament so when she asked to look at my computer, I handed it over.

So, I’m now writing this letter from my phone.

Anyway, let’s get back to what happened:

You broke the news of your never-seen-peen to beloved 90s actor and comedian Pauly Shore, a man you yesterday called a ‘racist’.

In a teaser for your aforementioned show, Kocktails with Khloe, he made a generalised comment about you that you found offensive.

“All you guys date black dudes. Don’t start with the whole black going back bulls—. But what is it?” He said.

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Your response was to immediately snap back:

“Not all of us. To me that is a racist question.”

Now that I know we both dislike racists and are both unfamiliar white penises, I feel quite close to you. I worry now: Did I judge you too quickly, Khlo – can I call you that?

I mean, before I wrote this, I only knew two things about you: 1. You are somehow related to Kim, 2. You make not-so-great puns about cocktails. But now I know that we’re the deepest of soul sisters.

I’d like us to be friends but due to my nine-to-five Sydney lifestyle, I’m not sure this will happen.

I can imagine what our friendship would be like, though. Here is us having drinks near the Opera House:

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This is how I imagine we will check out the iconic Sydney sights. Source: Altered image.

I look forward to hearing from you, my new bosom buddy.

Forever yours,

Meredith

Here is Khloe’s Konversation with Pauly Shore:

Video via FYI