For the friends and family that know me, know, I am a self-titled, Hot Wheels rev head, dinosaur loving, tackle champion mother of two boys. I know, *eye rolls*, girls can enjoy all the above and more just as much as boys, but I’m speaking from the perspective of the only single, living, breathing female in my household – minus the dog but that doesn’t quite compare.
Last week, I had a moment. You know, those “moments” mother’s often encounter. When you pause momentarily in your tracks and your eyes are widened to the madness that is enveloping directly in front of you. Yes, a moment.
I was mid-conversation with the younger bubba, mainly concerning his lack of hygiene, when he turned his head, looked me directly in my eyes, cocked up his left leg and let one rip. Oh. My. God. “That’s it! I’ve had it!”, I angrily declared.
It’s not that this hasn’t happened before, oh gosh no. This incident and many more, very indiscreet, bodily functions often work their way under my nose at some point during the day. I wasn’t surprised. I was just mad.
My eyes began scanning the room like a scene from the Terminator and I had, that moment. Lego pieces wedged in the couch, dirty socks stuffed in shoes, empty laundry baskets yet mounds of sweat-filled clothes piled besides, toilet seat left up and my pet peeve, urine, literally EVERYWHERE but in the bowl!
As my gaze became a glare and I could feel the sensation of my nostrils flaring, he laughed hysterically. The next second, the older bubba waltzed on in, unaware of the dragon lady he was about to face, “Mummmm! Hungry and I want water.”
I should note, my 5-year old has a very adept vocabulary but for some reason when it comes to directing his speech at me, he misses key words like PLEASE and the volume and pitch of his voice is enough to momentarily deafen the strongest of ears. “Maybe they’re just entitled and it’s my fault?” I thought. Well, it surely doesn’t excuse the fact that I am always the one who smells it first.
I just had a moment. I felt claustrophobic. Am I literally the only person in this household who wants to uphold some sort of common decency? Leave a bit of mystery? Enjoy a clean bathroom? Room diffuser? Yeah right! “Oh honey, they’re boys”, they say. Seriously, who are ‘they’? Filthy, crass, dirt-loving, burping experts from another planet.
No, not another planet. My womb! The very womb crafted in my very female body. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I AM A GIRL!” I shouted. “Oooh, so you have boobies?” the younger bubba responded.