'I joined an online mum group. I can't believe some of the comments I saw.'

Listen to this story being read by Jess Kingston, here. 

I was three months into mum life and I found myself entering what I believe to be a rite of passage of first-time parenting: the never-ending 3am Google search. 

Every time something new would occur, whether that be sleep related, breastfeeding, or anything else in the myriad of baby topics, there was always something on my mind that I thought the internet would have answers to. 

Then I had a lightbulb moment, what about online parent groups? Yes! After a few years off social media for a much needed mental health break, I reactivated my Facebook and felt excited to get click-happy on all the mum and parent groups I could find, to feel a little less alone, a little more guided, and so ready for the possibility of some new mum friends.

Watch: The horoscopes as new mums. Story continues below.

Minutes later, I was accepted into four different groups and I was blown away by the sheer amount of posts per day, and the amount of responses. I thought it was amazing, all these mothers coming together to help each other in times of desperation. Until I started to read the comments.

As I deep dived into some of the recent posts, my heart broke for these new mums asking questions about how to get their baby to sleep, how to start solids, or about whatever milestone was coming up. I was overwhelmed taking it all in. 

I remember reading one mother's question about a rash that had developed on her little one's tummy unexpectedly. She stated she had booked a GP appointment for the next day but just wanted to check if anyone had advice for now. 

I read a broad spectrum of responses from mums calling her an idiot, telling her to take her baby to emergency right now or she was being neglectful, all the way to women selling conveniently 'essential' baby products I'd never heard of.

While scrolling through these groups, I also found myself beginning to compare my baby to others and getting frustrated when things that were suggested didn't work. For example, my babe is a catnapper, and while it is developmentally common and totally fine, everyone kept saying she should be down to two to three naps by now. 

So I trawled through the catnapping tips and I think I honestly tried every single method ever known to humankind, and nothing worked. I felt so often like I wasn’t getting it right, and that it would affect my daughter if I didn’t figure this out.

Another common question many parents asked in these groups was the dreaded, 'How do I get my baby to sleep through the night?' Those comment threads truly were the worst of the worst. 

Don’t leave your baby to cry, that’s cruel. Don’t pick your baby up when they’re crying, they’ll never learn to sleep on their own. Don’t feed your baby to sleep, don’t let your baby starve through the night. Sorry everyone, but people aren't asking about how to get their baby to sleep unless they are extremely sleep deprived and struggling mentally. I didn’t understand why other mums couldn’t just be kind to one another.

Listen to This Glorious Mess. On this episode, Leigh and Tegan have brought along their favourite bits and bobs that have been useful that might help you! Post continues below.

I spent about a month leaving one group and joining another hoping to find my fit. I was testing every tip to get better sleep, guidance on solids (don't you dare give your baby a drop of sugar before they're one, but also they should be eating what you eat) and all the rest of it. I wore myself out trying to keep up with all these things until one day I literally looked at my daughter when she was just refusing any attempt at napping and laughing in my face and I thought, 'Wow, you're just a little person with stuff going on and I need to learn to listen to you'. 

I almost immediately dropped the wake windows, the stress about night and day sleep, the feeding schedule, the not one second of screen time, all of it, and started just accepting the chaos. Even sometimes against my innate controlling urges.

My daughter is almost seven months old now and we have a natural routine that changes all the time if there's something going on in her beautiful little head, or sometimes for no reason at all. This morning she just decided to wake up at 5:30am so now her whole day will be different. Some days she naps twice, and some days she naps four or five times. Sometimes she has only whole foods and sometimes she has store bought snacks. I've let her cry and I've picked her up. She still looks at me every morning with her big beautiful eyes and tells me she loves me one way or another. 

But I want to be clear, these online groups aren't all bad. They just aren't for me. I know some mums who have found really helpful advice in there so I'm not saying don't try them. This is just for the mums who might feel truly overwhelmed at the sheer amount of advice out there. 

I still Google things too but I will always advocate hugely for just trusting your gut and listening to your babe and doing what works for you. Don't second guess yourself, because the world of online parenting is often beige and uniform, but babies are colourful and so unique.

There are still so many times where I feel lost and I know there is so much more to come but I feel such a huge sense of relief not comparing my daughter to all the other beautiful babies and taking on feedback of those I don’t know. I read somewhere, 'Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from' and I’m just rolling with that on the tough days.

And if nothing else, when you get to around the postpartum hair loss phase and you see your receding hairline in photos, your hormones are making you have B.O. (even with medicated deodorant), and your baby won't nap for more than 20 minutes ever, then let me just say what a lovely friend said to me that worked better than anything else: I see you, you’re doing amazing, and I wish I could give you a big hug.

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