Offspring just proved that its happiest story-line has always been a lie.

You’re probably sitting down to read this with a glass of wine in your hand after a frantically busy day at work.

Normally, I would feel sorry for you. But right now your life is no where near as busy as Nina Proudman’s.

She’s got that whole single mother/new girlfriend/acting head of obstetrics/sisterly shoulder to cry on juggling act going on and lets just say she’s not quite handling it.

Throw in the fact that she somehow has to fit catching newborn babies into that already packed schedule and you have yourself a work/life balance pickle of epic proportions.

Need to catch up on last week’s episode of Offspring? Read that equally upsetting and hilarious recap right here.

Thank goodness for the uncomplicated, undemanding patience of Harry, whose existence I have questioned in the past, but who I now realise is there to provide a blank canvas for Nina to react against.

He’s also there to stay at home with Zoe while Nina roams around to different sets and has adventures. Thus solving the age old TV dilemma of what to do with kids who were introduced to further the plot and now no longer serve much of a purpose.

Friends had baby monitors with science fiction levels of range and sound. Offspring has Harry.

Nina is going to need at least three more bottles of that wine. Source: CH Ten.

Meanwhile, Zara and Jimmy have not progressed past last week's showdown in the park.

There is no longer the pre-tense of amicable parenting between them, let alone a happy ever after reunion. We see little Alfie and Paddy stand at the open front door, looking longingly down the street, waiting for an absent Zara who is once again running late.

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She finally shows up and promises the little guys frozen yogurts, because even though she was late she has now stepped fully into the role of the "fun parent"and is therefore making up for her negligence with a slew of disposable treats.

Zara also requests to return the boys a full half hour before their scheduled time and Jimmy responds by slamming the door in her face.

Is it just me, or is this season's Jimmy slightly terrifying? Source: CH 10.

Normally I would not condone this sort of backlash but... Zara's behaviour is pushing me to the absolute limit. So I'm guessing Jimmy's feelings are at least one hundred times more damaged and trampled. And being a fictional character and all, he can't even shut down his laptop and escape into some comforting Instagram stories. Poor dude is doing it rough.

Speaking of Offspring men having a hard time, Will's ill-thought out plan to buy a dog in order to rapidly advance his relationship with Kerry is going as expected. Very, very badly.

The puppy, who since last week has been christened "Greg" is proving to be a relationship foil between Offspring's least cared about couple. Kerry has purchased a very expensive dog create in order to protect the apartment and severely restrict Greg's freedom.

Will, on the other hand, sneaks Greg around town with him, allows him to gobble up his breakfast atop the kitchen bench and pretty much cements himself as the "fun parent". He and Zara should start a club.

Just two lads enjoying their breakfast. Source: CH 10.

Will then takes the whole "Full Time Dog Dad" thing a little too far, when he takes Greg with him to the hospital to secretly masturbate in an office in order to provide sperm for Kim's new baby.

Cherie walks in on him and it's all rather awkward. Most of all for Greg, who most definitely did not sign up for this and, unlike Cherie, does not possess the opposable thumbs required to open the door and make his way to sweet freedom. Better luck next time, Greg.

Greg will never unsee this. Source: CH 10.

And just quickly, I'm in no way a prude and I'm incredibly supportive of all roads that lead to much-wanted babies but... this is the second time in as many weeks that Will has been sprung in a dark corner of the hospital, masturbating quietly into a small plastic cup.

There are OH&S laws in the world for a reason, Will, and I'll be damned if I let you ignore them.

Will, buddy, there has to be somewhere else you can do that... Source: CH 10.

Oh dear, they are still attempting to add excitement and depth to Harry's story arc by continuing to build up a tense relationship between him and unloving father. Now, I believe I speak for all of us when I say we are just not here for this. Unless there are some Darth Vader levels of drama about to unfold in the near future, I think we could safely send this plot to the big TV heaven in the sky.

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Harry and his dad are having some kind of forced dramatic encounter about Harry coming to work in the family business, where his main role appears to be fixing the issue of employees wandering into his father's office and breaking down in tears due to being overworked.


This conversation goes on for a while, until Harry's dad shuts it down with “Why would they be happy? It’s called "work" for a reason. I don’t pay people to have fun.”


Oh, I'm so sorry about that. Thousands of millennials across Australia just fell to the ground in a puddle of shock and broken dreams and the resounding vibration knocked my keyboard out of my hands.

Harry's dad may not be the hero we asked for, but he's the hero we need. Source: CH 10.

Moving on.

At the behest of Geraldine, Jimmy and Zara are sitting civilly in a restaurant together in order to come to some kind of understanding about their future. All for the sake of their sons. This definitely sounds like the mature, adult route to take... except these two are so bruised and broken they may as well be two exposed nerves sitting there shooting the breeze over beers.

In season's past, Zara and Jimmy's love story has been one of the most beautiful shown on Offspring. Yes, there have been bumps of the marriage and commitment variety in their road, but all in all the good has outweighed the bad.

Until now.

Just like Zara, I have forgotten what happiness is. Source: CH 10.

Right now, every crack that has ever begun to form in their relationship has burst wide open.

I'm talking relationship cracks that are more like sprawling immense chasms, so wide that if that guy from 172 Hours had been trapped in there he would now be easily able to free himself and there would be no need for him to cut off his own arm.

“I have never been good enough for you and no matter what, I never will be," Jimmy spits at her.

They call each other failures and a whole slew of other horrid things, before the situation escalates even further and Jimmy yells at her that while she was out "f*cking other men" he was at home raising their sons and "sorting your whites and from your colours."

By now, the whole restaurant is watching in stunned silence (same here, unacknowledged TV extras, SAME HERE) before Jimmy delivers the final blow.

Everything Offspring has led us to believe about love is a lie. Source: CH 10.

“I hate you" he says coldly, before walking out on Zara and leaving her alone at the table quietly sobbing.

Right now, I cannot help but think that Offspring's happiest and loveliest relationship has been nothing but a lie.

There's just so much hate between them now and it feels like it's always been there, bubbling just below the surface. But we could never really feel it properly, until now, because of all the Billie/Mick and Nina/Patrick drama we've been distracted with.

Offspring has really been hitting us with the brutal story-lines of late, I'm starting to think it might all be a cry for help.


Thank goodness we will always have Greg.

"Don't worry guys, everything is going to be ok." Source: CH 10.

Have you been watching Offspring? What did you think of tonight's episode? 

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