Offspring just came back and we need to talk about that "big reveal".

Before you read on, please be aware this story contains major spoilers for Offspring season seven, episode one. You have been warned. 

So, a whole bunch of things happened on the season seven premiere of Offspring tonight.

Some were a cause for celebration… and a single solitary tear of emotion best wiped away in shame. Such as the Proudman siblings coming together on the steps of their mother’s house for a touch of their significant, rapid-fire quirky dialogue.

Listen: Everything you need to know about season seven of Offspring. Including a few surprises.

Others were a tad disturbing, like when Zoe walked in on Nina and Harry having late night sex and instead of diving under the covers and out of sight, they chose to keep reenacting the moment and renamed it “squashing” – a term that will no doubt end up on a pricey therapy bill somewhere in Zoe’s future.

There was also the fact Brodie was still there, somehow, even though I’m pretty sure we voted her off the island… there’s a slight possibility I may be confusing my Channel Ten shows.

But what we need to talk about now is “the big reveal”. You know, the pivotal Proudman dinner scene that has been the center of the show’s publicity campaign during the leadup to the unveiling of the first episode.

We knew an explosive dinner scene, featuring pretty much the entire Offspring ensemble, was on the cards. We knew Geraldine was due to drop a bombshell, the likes of which we have not seen since Nikki was sent packing on The Bachelor.

Image: Ten Play

We knew her news would send Nina into a tizz and cause her to practically run from the house without grabbing her missing handbag (a bag that probably fled in fright after spotting her trademark "Nina crazy eyes" - a woman in that state should not be operating heavy machinery or handling expensive boho bags).

What we didn't know were the words that would come out of Geraldine's mouth. Until now.

It turns out the Proudman matriarch hadn't called a special Geraldine day family meeting because she was dying (thank goodness) or selling the house (equally reassuring) or because she wanted to meddle in her children's lives (I actually would have been down with that).

It was because she was engaging in a secret sexual relationship with Majorie: former lover of Darcy Proudman,  mother to newfound Proudman sibling Will, and former slight nemesis to Geraldine.

Geraldine kicked it off the way all good stories start: "Several weeks ago, after we scattered Darcy's ashes, Marjorie and myself had a sexual encounter."

Image: Ten Play

The Proudman siblings, as normal, are no fun where their mother is concerned and start bleating, "We don't want to hear this, Mum!"

To which I say, "Shut up, Proudman children. This is what we're all here for. Let your mother share her sexscapades."

Nina tries to deflect the spotlight onto Harry and his overseas aide work, but sweet Harry, bless his soul, has never quite fallen onto the interesting side of the spectrum. So the diversion is short lived.


Geraldine goes on to describe their night of passion as "a night of skin and energy and a deep, intuitive understanding." She's quick to clarify that normally, she prefers being with a man as "it's always handy to have a penis to grab onto", and wants to know why Majorie has been acting so strange and differently around her ever since.

Gee, Geraldine, I can't imagine why...

Image: Ten Play

Will responds by saying that he's about to cry, which I suspect is more to do with the fact the writers felt like they needed to give Will a line (and a bit of personality... just saying) and less to do with his actual emotions. Which he is yet to display.

Nina, of course, somehow manged to make this announcement all about herself, even though it had little to nothing to do with her.

Love you, Nina, never change.

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Putting aside the unfortunate combination of Nina and Will, I have to say I never knew I was shipping Geraldine and Marjorie until now. But now it's here, boy, am I all in.

I have a sneaking, slight suspicion this may be a one time only thing in order to add a little bit of shock value to the premiere, but I dearly hope I'm wrong.

Offspring needs a new chemistry-filled love affair, and my money is on this couple.