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Offspring just played with our emotions in the most painful way.

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Offspring has been off the air for TWO WHOLE, ENORMOUS, VERY LONG weeks.

And so, we are ravenous for information about Nina and co.

Luckily for us, this episode opens with a sequence that usually only takes place in my private fantasy land.

Patrick is back. He’s alive and well and sitting with Nina on the couch while the sunlight streams through the windows around them. They are watching Zoe play happily next to them on the floor and giving each other those knowing looks we’ve come to know so well.

And they’re talking about sperm.

Which, ah, I can safely say has never happened in my PG-rated day dreams. But there you go.

Missed out? Here’s what happened on Offspring last time.

This sequence is happening inside Nina’s head, as she wrestles with the bomb that was dropped on her during the last episode. Patrick’s ex-wife revealed that her one true love had left some frozen sperm behind, and it’s Nina’s to use if she wishes.

Talk about having trouble trying to move on.

Nina is using this dream world to try and work out what to do, and asks imaginary Patrick how she is supposed to tell the next man she dates that “I’ve kept the sperm of the dead love of my life.”

Yeah, that would be a hard line to work into an alluring Tinder profile.

Back at the hospital, Nina bumps into Harry who, after their many run-ins and somewhat lacklustre sexual chemistry from the past few months (I know it’s supposed to be there, but I just wasn’t feeling it) asks her out. On a date. On Saturday night.

Which, to be honest, seems so sweet and lovely and chivalrous in an age of digital meet-and-greet and mid-week hookups. Maybe these kids have a bit of chemistry between them, after all.

Just when I was starting to once again feel those Offspring warm and fuzzy moments, I’m smashed back to sad reality by Brody’s pregnancy news.

Nina performs an ultrasound, with a strong and supportive Billie by her side, and breaks the news to poor, overwhelmed Brody that she’s much further along in her pregnancy than anyone first thought.

In fact, Nina has to inform her she’s too far along to terminate the pregnancy, if that’s what she wants.

Brody is understandably shocked, and fear radiates off her poor face as she struggles to comprehend the news.

Billie, of course, follows her out of the room and is once again an incredible source of comfort and support, telling her “we will figure it out, it’s going to be OK”.

So, am I the only one who thinks the writers are setting it up perfectly for Billie to adopt Brody’s baby?

It all seems much too ‘after school special’ to wrap this complicated story up into such a nice little bow. But, hey, I want these characters to have a happy ending so much I’m willing to overlook the upcoming cliché.

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After watching this scene, I want Billie to be this baby’s mum.

And Brody’s mum.

And possibly my Mum.

In other possible baby news, Nina is undergoing fertility treatments so she can surprise Billie with the gift of her frozen eggs. And, as the doctor warned, it’s turning her into somewhat of a rabid beast.

It all looks awkward and painful as hell but, to be honest, I’m quite enjoying Nina’s hormone-induced “werewolf” moments.

The only thing that could kick this storyline up a notch is if she actually turned into a werewolf and devoured the residents of Melbourne in a bloodbath of hipsters and barristers.

But then we'd probably have to kick this show up into a different time slot. Best to leave things as they are.

We then join the gang as they celebrate the upcoming nuptials of Clegg and Cherie with two separate, swinging bachelor and bachelorette parties.

The guys (and Nina) head out of town to some sort of simulation in an abandoned building that depicts the end of the world — complete with a whole lot of zombies. And vampires.

Meanwhile, the ladies are holed up in a fancy hotel suite, sipping champagne, and by the look on Cherie’s face they're also experiencing the end of the world.

Thanks to the fact that Kim is giving her an extreme head massage and she looks like he is about to die.

Inside the death maze, Nina tells Harry that thanks to the hormone treatments she is currently undergoing she is very fertile, very angry... and very horny.

So that’s probably why, when they finally arrive at the hotel where the hen’s party is taking place, they run off to kiss and make sweet, sweet love in a private hotel room.

Just before they do the deed, Nina warns him again that she’s very fertile (ugh, I’ve never had to write the word ‘fertile’ this many times in my life. It’s like I’m writing a gardening column) at the moment and he assures her that he’ll wear THREE condoms as an extra preventative measure.

Well. With sweet talk like that, who could resist?

And yet… the earnest, super hot love-making stops and instead they spoon and snuggle in bed.

Then the episode ends.

I’m sorry — WHAT?

After all that build up?

After the sexual chemistry between these two finally decided to show up and deliver, THAT’S IT? That’s all we get?

Thanks, Offspring. Between Brody’s baby news and the way this little love scene just ended, my emotions are in tatters.

Until next week.


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