Step aside, Nina. Offspring has a sexy new leading couple.

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Missed out? Here’s what happened on Offspring last week.

The opening dialogue of this episode consists of a woman telling Nina she has 12 eggs, a lovely even dozen, and they are all in very good condition.

Ah, sounds like a lovely afternoon at an organic farmer’s market, perched between sweeping mountains and a babbling brook.

Except… the woman is a doctor, Nina is stretched out on a hospital bed, and those eggs are not for scrambling or whipping up into a delectable omelette. They come from Nina’s womb and are of the baby-making variety.

It looks like our Nina is about to reap the benefits of all that crazy, hormonal angst from last week. She has eggs ready to be turned into babies, but the question is: whose babies will they be?

She can either choose to have them fertilised with her dead lover Patrick’s frozen sperm, or offer them to Billie so she can have a baby. Even though she hasn't told Billie the decision is even on the table.

So, that should end well...

As if Nina doesn't have enough to worry about, she receives a call from black-sheep-of-the-family-and-probably-a-psychopath Will — the half-brother dreams are made of.

He informs her he secretly booked an Uber ride with Jimmy and again offered him cash so he would forget that whole shady business situation, and love him again. Smooth move, Will.

Instead of hanging up, Nina tells Will he cannot buy his brother’s love; he needs to connect to Jimmy on a more intimate level. He has to do something mortifying.


In the midst of this sibling drama, Nina has her eggs harvested and during her drug-induced hospital dreams, ghost Patrick once again makes an appearance.

Um... is it just me, or is this guy holding on just a little too tightly to his former life? Does he not have a harp to strum, a halo to polish, or — if he wants to hang around Earth — some annoying little children he can scare?

Patrick, it’s OK to go into the light.

Nina decides to have the eggs fertilised with Patrick’s sperm, so I guess Patrick’s afterlife presence is going to be sticking around a bit longer.

Which, to be honest, is bit annoying because I have a new favourite Offspring couple.

So do you, and so does the world.

It’s Cherie and Clegg’s wedding day, and everyone puts their drama aside to celebrate these crazy kids finally saying “I do”... except Cherie locks herself in a room and says she can’t go through with the wedding.

Zara, Nina and Kim all try to talk her into unlocking the door and walking down the aisle, but not one of them can get through to her and convince her to change her mind.

That is, until Clegg arrives on the scene.

He stands against the door and tells her he knew this was going to happen. This dream couple has been unable to have sex for a long time and Cherie just cannot see a future for them.

Then, Clegg unfolds a sheet of paper containing his wedding vows and says, “I understand… you don’t want to marry me.


“Even if we don’t get married, I’d still like to read them to you.”

He proceeds to read her some of the most beautiful words that have ever appeared on television. His words demonstrate that he knew she would lock herself away, that she would have doubts, but he loves her anyway.

“Please don’t turn me away. I thought this love was beyond me.”

Cherie opens the door; you anticipate she’s going to say something profound and equally beautiful. I can barely breathe though the tears.

“Martin, we need to have sex.”

Well……. OK then.

And sex they do have. Right there, next to their wedding ceremony, with all of their family and friends listening to every loud, piercing, wailing sound.

Sex after the wedding is pretty standard, but sex practically during the ceremony? These two are on another level.

That was probably the most romantic moment Offspring has ever produced.

Dream Patrick makes one more appearance to Nina before the episode is done, but really, for me right now, it’s all about Cherie and Clegg.

Go into the light, Patrick! That’s enough now.

See you next week for Offspring: The Cherie and Clegg show.