Ladies, let’s discuss the office bathroom.
It’s the one place everyone visits at least once throughout the day. CEOs, underlings and everyone in between— we’re all in there (unless you’re some kind of human-camel hybrid).
For some of us, making a trip to the porcelain palace is no big deal. You get in, do your thing, and get the hell out without a second thought.
But I’m willing to bet there are many who get a little bit anxious when nature calls.
Aside from ‘going to the bathroom’, there are some other things we all do in the office ladies' room. You might’ve done one of these. You might’ve done all of these. You might even be reading this from the bathroom right now.
1. The silencer
Hands up who’s a bit... paranoid about sounds made while on the toilet? Yep, thought so.
People generally fall into two categories when it comes to giving, ahem, a shit about toilet noises: those who care, and those who literally haven’t ever thought about it.
For those who stress about the sound of their stream hitting the bowl (or other sounds that will remain unmentioned), the ‘toilet paper in the bottom of the bowl’ is a go-to move.
While pretty reliable, this method is not foolproof; timing and positioning are everything. Wait too long, and the paper will get soggy and go under, rendering it useless. Drop it in the wrong spot and it won’t offer any protection.
Watch: MM staff share the times their bodily functions got the better of them. (Post continues after video.)
2. The waiting game
Going into the office bathroom can be awkward at times; none more so than entering at exactly the same time as a co-worker (or even worse, your boss).
There are the few moments of palpable silence when you’re both just sitting there, waiting to see who’ll go first. Once the more confident of the pair breaks the silence, then you’re free to go about your business with peace of mind.
However, f the thought of someone in your workplace knowing you pee gives you anxiety, and muffling your sounds with toilet paper just isn’t enough protection, you can always wait for a flush. Depending on the urgency of your situation, this one’s a pretty foolproof method for covering up telltale toilet noises (don’t lie, we all make them). Once someone in another cubicle flushes their toilet, that is your moment to go.
Those who employ this method know the importance of preparedness. You need to be ready; lose concentration and you lose the moment. Then you’ll have to hold for the next opportunity… but who knows when that could be? The only time this doesn’t work is if, heaven forbid, someone else is also playing the waiting game, in which case you might be forced to think long-term.
3. The hardcore waiting game
This is where things gets real. You’re one bunch of toilet paper away from blocking the toilet. You missed your golden opportunity to go under the cover of a flush. And there’s another paranoid pooper in the bathroom playing the exact same game as you.
Now, the hardcore waiting game begins.
This is all about stamina. Someone will eventually cave and throw their inhibitions to the wind… but will it be you?
Sometimes this just isn’t a viable option, in which case you need to go as fast as possible and get the hell out before the other person emerges from the cubicle. That way, they’ll never know it was you in the cubicle next to them.
If you manage to hold out, good for you. Now it’s your turn to wait and let the other person leave without being identified.
It’s called common courtesy, guys. (Post continues after gallery.)
4. The rest stop
This one’s got nothing to do with bodily functions.
There are times when work gets a bit much. Maybe you stuffed up. Maybe you need to cry. Maybe you’re overwhelmed. Or maybe you’re bored out of your brain.
Whatever the reason, retreating to the bathroom for a few blissful minutes of silence is just what the doctor ordered. And the beauty of it is, no one needs to know what you’re doing in there.
That said, it’s important to time your leisurely bathroom visit if you want to avoid detection.
If you do get caught spending 15 minutes in the cubicle, ‘that time of the month’ or ‘tummy troubles’ make for convincing cover stories.
Do you have any other covert bathroom behaviours to share?